Twisted Phrases

Twisted phrase

As people age, they worry about eye-hand coordination.  I’m beyond that.  I worry about eye-brain coordination.  My eyes and brain continue to play tricks on me.  Hence, the following set of normal phrases become twisted by my warped mind:

International House of Pancakes becomes International Hole of Pancakes.

Smoothies and Freshly Made Meals becomes Smoothies and Freshly Made Eels. (Nothing is worse than stale eels.)

Stunning Underwater Life = Stunning Underwear Life.

Best prom dresses for under $100 = Best porn dresses for under $100.

Vanity plate with JMP SHT = a basketball player saying jump shot.  To me, however, it’s jump shit?!

Someone else had a vanity plate saying SHTR BG.  This was a photographer saying shutterbug, but to me it was shitter big.  Why would you have shitter big as a vanity plate?  I guess it’s because BG SHTR was taken.

Cameron Diaz’s hot tips became Cameron Diaz’s hot lips.  Not much of jump here.

On an airplane flight, I noticed in my seat a sign that read “keep seat belts fastened when seated.”  Except I read it as “keep seat butts fastened when seated.”  (If your seat butt is unfastened, God only knows where it goes.)

“Want to spy on your wife?” became “Want to spray on your wife?”              (How do you do that exactly?)

VISA and MasterCard unveil slick new features = VISA and MasterCard unveil sick new features.  (Excessive use of credit cards can not only make you indebted but also ill.)

Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past hits = Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past tits.             (As opposed to the current set?)

Man killed by falling tombstone while decorating family plot = Man killed by falling trombone while decorating family plot.  (I always felt that trombones in the wrong hands were dangerous.)

Here’s a fact check of his speech = Here’s a fart check of his speech.                 (The speech was offensive.)

Actress rude at book signing = Actress nude at book signing.                           (Good attendance.)

Radio show sex charges = radio show sex change.

Virginia is for lovers = Viagra is for lovers.

On an on it goes.  A warped mind is its own reward.  Have you any brain slip-ups recently?

Beware of Dog!

 

My wife and I decided to get a dog.  (Translation: my wife decided to get a dog.)

The dog is a female Yorkshire terrier.  Taking the description of one dog breed website, terriers are good for people who 1) don’t want a large bulky dog; 2) want a dog that’s playful and social with people; 3) likes their dog to be busy and active without demanding constant attention; and 4) want a companion that will always be alert and watchful if the local squirrels dare to come into the garden and steal your nuts.

(My day is ruined if I find that squirrels are trying to steal my nuts.)

According to the Wikipedia, the Yorkshire terrier is a small dog breed of terrier type, developed in the 19th century in the county of Yorkshire, England to catch rats in clothing mills, also used for rat-baiting.

(My week is ruined if I find that rats are trying to eat my nuts.)

In the short time that we have had this adorable creature, we have trained the puppy to pee and poo on its pee-pad.  In that same time, the puppy has trained two humans to wait on her hand and foot.  I had thought, up to now, that only cats had staff but I am learning from a three-pound puppy that dogs can have staff as well.

Our puppy has two modes – adorable, sleeping puppy mode and psycho puppy mode.  I prefer adorable, sleeping puppy mode but that mode does not last long.  During psycho puppy mode, the puppy attacks everything in sight, usually the hands and feet of the male human because male human hands and feet and rats have a lot in common, at least according to the puppy and female humans.  (No female human has ever attacked my hands or feet but they have called me a rat on more than one occasion.)

During college, my housemates and I ended up dog sitting a six month old St. Bernard puppy until he found a good home.  If a three-pound Yorkshire terrier does something bad, you hold it in one hand and say “bad dog!” even though it doesn’t listen to your scolding.  If a 150 pound St. Bernard puppy does something bad, you first have to decide how strong you are and how much pain you are willing to endure to tell it “bad dog!” even though it doesn’t listen to your scolding.  We all believe that St. Bernard’s are the well-behaved dogs that rescue people trapped in heavy snow drifts.  We forget that a dog that can travel through heavy snow drifts is very strong and quite independently minded.  The St. Bernard puppy story has a happy ending: the puppy ended up with a couple who owned a farm where the dog had plenty of room to roam.

So I am being slowly trained by this three-pound terror to obey her rules but at least I know that my nuts are safe.

Warning!

 

Yorkysign2

Beware of the Yorkshire terrier!

Fallen Arches Redux

Writing the romance_picture copy    Fallen Arches title copy      Fallen waldorf

 

I am on a short (several week) break.  In my absence, I direct your attention to Fallen Arches.

Fallen Arches is my silly effort at poking fun at romance novels.  Both Carrie Rubin and Diane Henders have been kind and big-hearted enough (and foolish enough) to allow me to take their novels and turn them into mincemeat with my perverted version of heart-throbbing and head-aching romance.  See The Minot Misery and Corned Beef on Spy, respectively.  Madame Weebles‘ post on Search Terms: WTF Edition and Alex Trebek inspired me to write a parody entitled Double Jeopardy.

[As an aside, I do note that no one has asked me to do this a second time.]

Other vain and misdirected efforts include an envious vampire, a lonely housewife, and a would-be gangster.  I have sought out every genre from dinner parties to detectives to outer space to mystical transformations. I have written them based upon search terms and multiple choice: No theme is beyond my ability to reduce it to crappy pulp.  They are all listed under “Romance Novel?” in the Types of Gripes.

But, as you know, I’m not original and I am always looking for material.  If any of you wish to have your novels, journals or articles reduced to mushy, illogical, sentimental rubbish, then please send me your ideas and I will ruin them post-haste (or whenever I feel like it).

When I return, I will give your comments the attention they deserve.  In the meantime, you can waste your time and waste away your brain perusing through the chapters of  Writing the romance_fallen copy.

Toilet Slide

From a Time July 2014 article:

A new exhibit hopes to remove the taboo of “potty talk” — or flush it away — to raise awareness about pressing sewage disposal issues worldwide, as the UN estimates 2.5 billion people globally do not have access to proper sanitation.

Toi1     Toi2

People who visit The National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation in Tokyo don hats shaped like poop and go down a slide inside a giant toilet that is supposed to simulate the journey of human excrement. Models of different toilets around the globe are also on display.

As one visitor summed the show’s draw, “It’s not every day that you can become feces.”

There is something both amusing and slightly disturbing about this exhibit.  Wearing a poop hat gives new meaning to getting shit-faced.

I can see The New Yorker, famous for its cartoon captions, having a contest on an illustrated version of the toilet slide.

A husband and wife talking to each other as the kids slide down the toilet slide:
“Gee, I had no idea that it was so easy to get rid of the kids.”

A show promoter talking to parents as the kids slide:
“After the slide, each child gets our world-famous, life-like poopsicle as a treat.”

If sliding down a toilet wearing a poop hat is not enough, there is the giant colon exhibit.  You can explore the inside of the giant colon and experience the wonder of hemorrhoids and polyps.  The article did not say whether or not you get to wear a poop hat while walking through the giant colon.

Toi3

Toi4  Toi5

Well, that’s enough excrement for one day.   Anybody ready for lunch?

Jokes for Educated Minds

 

Puns for Educated Minds is one of my most viewed posts.  While I search for more groan-worthy puns, you can occupy waste your time with these educated groan-worthy jokes, courtesy of tickld.  I’m sure that these jokes are the talk of any MENSA meeting.

1.  It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2.  What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3.  Three logicians walk into a bar.  The bartender asks “Do you all want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.”

The second logician says “I don’t know.”

The third logician says “Yes!”

4.  Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.  And doesn’t.

Jokes2

5.  A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

6.  A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7.  Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

8.  A logician’s wife is having a baby.  The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently “So, is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “Yes.”

9.  Jean-Paul Satre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.  He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”  The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream.  How about with no milk?”

10.  Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11.  How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?  Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12.  Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13.  Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.  Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?”  Godel replies, “We can’t know because we’re inside the joke.”  Chomsky says, “Of course, it’s funny.  You’re just telling it wrong.”

14.  Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint.  His phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15.  Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16.  Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.  It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.  Pascal runs off and hides.  Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.  Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.  He sees Newton immediately and says “Newton!  I found you!  You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter.  You found Pascal!”

Jokes 1b

17.  A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.  They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.  The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.  The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off.  The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.  The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “Don’t you see, you’ll never reach her?”  To which the engineer replied, “So what?  Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

18.  A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”  The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?

19.  The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread.  If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20.  There’s a band called 1023Mb.  They haven’t had any gigs yet.

http://instantrimshot.com/