Toilet Slide

From a Time July 2014 article:

A new exhibit hopes to remove the taboo of “potty talk” — or flush it away — to raise awareness about pressing sewage disposal issues worldwide, as the UN estimates 2.5 billion people globally do not have access to proper sanitation.

Toi1     Toi2

People who visit The National Museum of Emerging Science and Innovation in Tokyo don hats shaped like poop and go down a slide inside a giant toilet that is supposed to simulate the journey of human excrement. Models of different toilets around the globe are also on display.

As one visitor summed the show’s draw, “It’s not every day that you can become feces.”

There is something both amusing and slightly disturbing about this exhibit.  Wearing a poop hat gives new meaning to getting shit-faced.

I can see The New Yorker, famous for its cartoon captions, having a contest on an illustrated version of the toilet slide.

A husband and wife talking to each other as the kids slide down the toilet slide:
“Gee, I had no idea that it was so easy to get rid of the kids.”

A show promoter talking to parents as the kids slide:
“After the slide, each child gets our world-famous, life-like poopsicle as a treat.”

If sliding down a toilet wearing a poop hat is not enough, there is the giant colon exhibit.  You can explore the inside of the giant colon and experience the wonder of hemorrhoids and polyps.  The article did not say whether or not you get to wear a poop hat while walking through the giant colon.

Toi3

Toi4  Toi5

Well, that’s enough excrement for one day.   Anybody ready for lunch?

Jokes for Educated Minds

 

Puns for Educated Minds is one of my most viewed posts.  While I search for more groan-worthy puns, you can occupy waste your time with these educated groan-worthy jokes, courtesy of tickld.  I’m sure that these jokes are the talk of any MENSA meeting.

1.  It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2.  What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3.  Three logicians walk into a bar.  The bartender asks “Do you all want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.”

The second logician says “I don’t know.”

The third logician says “Yes!”

4.  Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.  And doesn’t.

Jokes2

5.  A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

6.  A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7.  Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

8.  A logician’s wife is having a baby.  The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently “So, is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “Yes.”

9.  Jean-Paul Satre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.  He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”  The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream.  How about with no milk?”

10.  Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11.  How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?  Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12.  Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13.  Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.  Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?”  Godel replies, “We can’t know because we’re inside the joke.”  Chomsky says, “Of course, it’s funny.  You’re just telling it wrong.”

14.  Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint.  His phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15.  Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16.  Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.  It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.  Pascal runs off and hides.  Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.  Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.  He sees Newton immediately and says “Newton!  I found you!  You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter.  You found Pascal!”

Jokes 1b

17.  A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.  They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.  The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.  The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off.  The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.  The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “Don’t you see, you’ll never reach her?”  To which the engineer replied, “So what?  Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

18.  A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”  The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?

19.  The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread.  If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20.  There’s a band called 1023Mb.  They haven’t had any gigs yet.

http://instantrimshot.com/

Fifty Shades of Grumpy Reviews

 

I really got excited about turning my idea for Fifty Shades of Grumpy into a novel.  It could even become a major motion picture!

Fifty Review1

I already had the basic formula sketched out.  I then turned that sketch into an outline.  Finally I set to work on a preliminary draft.  Before going any further I thought it best to send the draft to selected reviewers to get input.  I got back some of their comments and I see that I need to do a little more work.

—-

I have never read anything like it and hope I never do again.                            –New York Times

 

If you only read one book this year, don’t make it this one.                  –Washington Post

 

This is a book for which the words “out of print” will be a blessing.           –Chicago Tribune

 

Spectacular!  Sexy and erotic!  Brilliant!  A sensational read!                             These are the words I would use to describe some other book but not this one. –Los Angeles Times

 

The book should be made of toilet paper so that it would at least be useful for something.                                                                                                                    –Barron’s

 

Thinking of all the starving children in the world is preferable to reading this nonsense.                                                                                                                             –The Wall Street Journal

 

This book sucks!                                                                                                                    –Rolling Stone

 

Mixing the book with sewage would improve it.                                                         –The New York Review of Books

 

Yet another indication that America never mastered the English language. –Guardian (UK)

—-

The critics have spoken, the bastards!

Fifty Shades of Grumpy,                                                                                               NOT coming to a book store near you anytime soon;                                             NOT to be a major motion picture.

Sigh.

Fifty Review2

Fifty Shades of Grumpy

 

I am looking for volunteers to fulfill my deepest fantasy – a fully compliant recipient of my endless complaining.

I will be your master: you will be my slave.  I will complain, bitch and moan at will: you will not be allowed to resist.

You will have to sign a 26 page agreement beforehand written entirely in indecipherable legalese in the smallest available font size.  You will then have to listen to me sing it back to you in its entirety off-key.

I will speak to you through a voice modulator so that my complaints will be heard by you in various unpleasant voices:

  1. Screech from Saved by the Bell
  2. Howard’s mother from The Big Bang Theory
  3. Marge Simpson
  4. The 38th Vice President of the United States, Hubert H. Humphrey
  5. Gilbert Gottfried

If you fail to heed my commands or stop listening attentively to my bitching and moaning or show the slightest degree of resistance, you will be subjected to various forms of torture:

  1. Participating in endless sessions of Richard Simmons’ workout tapes;
  2. Watching prerecorded sessions of Meet the Press starting with the original series from the 1950’s with Lawrence E. Spivak;
  3. Listening to Donald Trump’s previous presidential campaign speeches;
  4. Reading all of Tori Spelling’s “books;”
  5. Sitting in a public restroom stall yelling “I am not committing an unnatural act” over and over.

In order to speak, you will first have to ask permission by crossing your knees and your eyes, doubling over in an expression of pain, raising your right hand and pointing at your crotch with your left hand.  This is also the method you will employ when requesting a bathroom break.

I may, from time to time, have you dress up in different attire of my choosing.  Some examples are:

  1. Captain Kangaroo
  2. Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady
  3. Lurch
  4. The Hunchback of Notre Dame
  5. Queen Victoria

Your reward for your participation will be to receive an autographed copy of my upcoming book Fifty Shades of Grumpy at a discounted price.

Fifty2

You’re welcome.

 

Bonfire of the Vanity Plates

 

Vanity plates have served for a long time as both a source of revenue (for the licensing authorities) and as a source of amusement for the rest of us.  Lawrence Welk had a vanity plate that read NE1NE2.  In the eponymous Seinfeld TV series, wacky neighbor Kramer kept looking for a license plate that read ASSMAN until it turned up on a car belonging to a proctologist.  The new Breaking Bad spinoff – Better Call Saul – shows the back of a Cadillac with the plate LWYRUP.

All too often, people go overboard or cannot get exactly the right plate, resulting in poor spelling and questionable taste.  A friend of mine (the second F in Friend of a Friend – FOAF) has collected vanity plate names for decades as a hobby and, when I see an amusing one, I send it on to him.  Here is a list of recent ones I’ve seen that, in a number of cases, asks the inevitable question “Why?”  How a few of these got past the prudish censors is beyond me.

AWTOBAN CARRPDM OFEELIA
SEXTONL ALLONS E EL FLOW
CORKDORK P8DOFF BUSTEM
EL-CHE KING ANT 6BUURGH
1 KNOW 2ADMIRE NASTY4-6
1HOTHO PPSSY JUJUMMY
MAH TOY IM GRUVY JOE BUTT

And my favorite…

O DIREA

 

Well, I gotta go.  If you see an amusing or questionable plate, pass it on.

Bonf3