Transformed

For those of you unfamiliar with this theme, Fallen Arches is a curmudgeon’s way of looking at romance, one broken heart at a time.

So here is yet another episode of:

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transformation

Darryl had only three desires in life – hunting, fishing and getting into girls’ panties.

Coming to Grandma’s cabin in the mountains let him do the hunting and fishing; girls’ panties would have to wait a bit longer.  He always liked coming to Grandma’s cabin.  Grandma was a little bit weird but she was pleasant and she always fed him good stuff like shrimp and grits and biscuits with gravy.  Besides, the hunting on her property today was fan-tastic!  He had already bagged himself two rabbits just a short ways from the cabin and was on his way back to show off his trophies.

His hope was that Grandma would be back and she would not have Uncle Fester and Aunt Lou Ellen in tow.  They were really weird! In fact, all three kept talkin’ shit about some trans-somethin’.  Aunt Lou Ellen was always gabbing about how the rocks and the stars mixed with your soul and brought out your inner being, blah, blah, blah.  It was all bullshit as far as Darryl could see.  He couldn’t figure it out and didn’t want to.  As long as they fed him and let him hunt, he was happy.

He also liked the thought of seeing cousin Daisy.  He always wanted to get into her knickers since he was a pup.  She must be all of fourteen now and ripe as could be, yeseree.  Darryl figured that one day he’d see Daisy, sneak up on her and let nature do the rest.  At least, that was how Darryl saw it.

As he approached the cabin, he saw that Grandma had returned.  The other pickup in the drive told him that Uncle Fester and Aunt Lou Ellen were there as well.  His downcast spirits were lifted a bit by the thought of seeing cousin Daisy, even if she came with that snot-nosed little brother of hers.  Just as long as Uncle Fester didn’t stare at him with those god-awful eyes.  Darryl was a big, strong young man and not afraid of much but something about Uncle Fester frightened him and made his skin crawl.

He bounded up the steps and prepared himself for the ritual greetings as he heard Grandma say to him “Oh, Darryl.  You just missed it.  It was the most wonderful transformation that your uncle has ever done.”

Darryl wondered what crap he had thankfully missed when his aunt chimed in.  “It was amazing.  Both children just hopped and bounded with joy.  You should have seen them leaping out the door and into the fields.”

“Both children?” said Darryl querulously.  “You mean Daisy and her little brother?”

“That’s right.” chirped Aunt Lou Ellen.  “Your uncle made them free animal spirits.  They get to enjoy the entire day as joyful creatures of the open air and fresh fields before they change back.  You may have passed them hopping about as you came in.”

“H-h-hopping” stammered Darryl.  “You mean l-l-like rabbits?”

“Yes,” said Aunt Lou Ellen “that’s exactly right.  Your uncle transformed them into two darling rabbits to sense freedom and experience their other being.”

“So what did you do while we were gone?” asked Grandma.  “Was your hunting successful?”

“Oh, yes” said Darryl, without thinking.  “I managed to bag two – ah – two – ah r-r-rab-rabbits.”

“Two rabbits” said Uncle Fester in a low, even but menacing voice.  “Two rabbits out in the front field, by any chance?”

“Y-e-s” said Darryl slowly as a dreadful thought started to enter his skull.

“The front field!” shrieked Aunt Lou Ellen, “Isn’t that where the children went when you changed them?”

Uncle Fester’s eyes – always scary as two coal-black centers – now began to change to an intense, fiery red glow as he stared with increasing animosity at Darryl.

Darryl realized with growing alarm that he was going to find out about being transformed.  And he wasn’t going to like it one bit!

The Remedy for You

I feel your pain. No, really, I feel your pain (and my own).  That’s why I have done extensive research to help you alleviate all those aches, twinges, soreness, throbbing, and hurts.

Extensive research means watching a bunch of commercials and reading a pile of advertisements in magazines.  As a result, I have created a cure-all for what ails you.

Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™

In the nineteenth century, it was easy (and profitable) to advertise cure-all products. One of the best known quack product lines was Dr. Kilmer’s Swamp-Root Kidney Liver Bladder Remedy.  This remedy professed to cure everything from Bright’s Disease, urinary trouble, sediment in urine, lame back, rheumatism, aching pains, diabetes, dropsy, malaria, dyspepsia, gall stones, gout, pimples, ulcers, syphilis, poor appetite, slime fever to kidney stones, liver problems and catarrh of the bladder.  Dr. Kilmer got very rich selling his cure-all remedy.

Dr. Kilmer

I figured I could do something similar today by mashing together the most commonly advertised medicines into one all-purpose remedy. Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™ will cure everything from Aagenaes syndrome to Zygomycosis.

Of course, thanks to the increased vigilance of health and drug oversight organizations, I would – of necessity – have to include all the potential side effects.

“In taking Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™, you may encounter swelling of the lips, chest pains, erection lasting more than four hours, nausea, dizziness, vomiting, redness, paralysis, numbness, burning sensation, unusual changes of behavior, kidney or liver problems, glaucoma, diabetes, seizures, increased blood pressure, itching, right upper-belly pain, dark urine, yellow skin/eyes, unexplained flu-like symptoms, high fever, confusion, stiff muscles, dry mouth, and constipation.

An unsafe drop in blood pressure, blurred vision, facial flushing, and sensitivity to light may occur.

You may also experience aggressive reaction, breast tenderness or enlargement, confusion, convulsions, diarrhea, drowsiness, dryness of the mouth, fast talking and excited feelings or actions that are out of control, fast, pounding, irregular, or slow heartbeat, fever, inability to sit still, increase in body movements, increased sweating, increased thirst, lack of energy, loss of bladder control, mood or behavior changes, muscle spasm or jerking of all extremities, nosebleeds, overactive reflexes, racing heartbeat, red or purple spots on the skin, restlessness, shivering, skin rash, hives, or itching, sudden loss of consciousness, unusual or sudden body or facial movements or postures, and unusual secretion of milk (in females).

In addition, you may be subject to abdominal or stomach pain, bleeding gums, blindness, blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin, bloating, blood in the urine, bloody, black, or tarry stools, blue-yellow color blindness, blurred vision, chest pain or discomfort, chills, clay-colored stools, cough or hoarseness, darkened urine, decreased urine output, decreased vision, depressed mood, difficulty with breathing, difficulty with speaking, difficulty with swallowing, drooling, dry skin and hair, eye pain, fainting, feeling cold, feeling of discomfort, feeling, seeing, or hearing things that are not there, general feeling of discomfort, illness, tiredness, or weakness, hair loss, high fever, high or low blood pressure, hoarseness or husky voice, hostility, increased clotting times, indigestion, inflamed joints, irritability, joint or muscle pain, large, hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, or sex organs, lethargy, lightheadedness, loss of appetite, loss of balance control, loss of bladder control, lower back or side pain, muscle aches, muscle cramps and stiffness, muscle trembling, jerking, or stiffness, muscle twitching, painful or difficult urination, pains in the stomach, side, or abdomen, possibly radiating to the back, pale skin, puffiness or swelling of the eyelids or around the eyes, face, lips, or tongue, rapid weight gain, rash, red, irritated eyes, red, sore, or itching skin, right upper stomach pain and fullness, severe mood or mental changes, severe muscle stiffness, shuffling walk, sore throat, sores, ulcers, or white spots in the mouth or on the lips, sores, welting, or blisters, stiffness of the limbs, sweating, swelling of the face, ankles, or hands, swollen or painful glands, talking or acting with excitement you cannot control, tightness in the chest, troubled breathing, twisting movements of the body, twitching, uncontrolled movements, especially of the face, neck, and back, unexplained bleeding or bruising, unpleasant breath odor, unusual behavior, unusual tiredness or weakness, weight gain, and yellow eyes and skin.

Oh, and vomiting of blood.”

[I’m going to need a bigger warning label on the bottle to get all of this in.]

Remember, cure all with Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™.

Travel Plans

Good old FOAF – that’s Friend Of A Friend – has come to my rescue yet again while my brain (what’s left of it) gets rejuvenated:

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I have been in many places but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with  someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there thanks to my spouse, children,  friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions but you have to  jump and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.  I’ve been in Flexible but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense.  It really gets the adrenalin flowing and  pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent but I don’t remember what country I was in.  It’s an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

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I Wouldn’t Change a Thing…

When I look back at my varied and checkered life and career, I find that, despite all my complaints, I wouldn’t change a thing.

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Well…

Except for that time as a youngster when my dad was enlarging a hole with his power drill and I decided to stick my finger in the other side of the hole.

And except for that time that I went with friends into a construction site, fell and knocked out my front teeth.

And the time I rode my bicycle too fast, slipped and broke my foot.

And the time that I missed out on asking out that good-looking girl in high school because I knew she wouldn’t go out with me only to find out later that she liked me.

And not buying Berkshire-Hathaway stock when it was $50 a share, or Apple when it was $4.

Or not taking that acceptance at an Ivy League college because..  I don’t what idiocy kept me from that one.

Or deciding to change jobs because the offer was too good to be true and, as it turned out, WAS too good to be true.

When we think that one little change would make such a significant difference, we assume that it would be for the better. That shattered finger that kept you from being a concert pianist may, in fact, have kept you from being a miserable concert pianist and prevented you from having the success you did achieve (assuming that you did achieve a modicum of success.  If not, it kept you from greater failure.)  As George Bailey found out in It’s a Wonderful Life, even one little change has big consequences.

Dean Acheson took the title of his book Present at the Creation from a quote of Alphonso the Wise, a 13th century king of Spain, who said “Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.” I doubt that the Almighty would ask a curmudgeon for useful hints on the better ordering of the universe but it would not be bad to ask for a rewind button.

Just a simple button to make no into yes.  Or take a right turn instead of a left.

But who knows what that one little change means.  No, no, I’ll leave things just as they are…

Except for that time as a youngster when my dad was enlarging a hole with his power drill and I decided to stick my finger in the other side of the hole.

And that time that I went with friends into a construction site, fell and knocked out my front teeth.

And the time I rode my bicycle too fast, slipped and broke my foot….

 

Junk Mail Confusion

There is no way to stop the onslaught of spam, telemarketers, junk mail, and robocallers from reaching us.

Telemarketers already have their own ring in hell but even the thought of eternal damnation does not daunt them. Their reach extends to any newly created electronic device – Smartphones, Kindles, iPads, iPods, whatever.

Yes, I used “whatever,” get over it.  Yes, I used “get over it,” get over that, too.

Although the overwhelming task of stopping all this crap is futile, it is made slightly less annoying by the fact that these devious callers get in the way of each other.

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As a result my junk mail gets confused and:

  • E-Harmony and the local auto repair shop want you to have dating calls during routine auto checkups.
  • Christian Mingle and Omega-K Heart Attack Fighter suggest that, before people give you CPR , ask if they are true believers.
  • First Premier Credit Card and Our Time Dating recommend a credit score appraisal before the second date.
  • Discount Gold Credit Cards and Pimslear Approach Language say “Koborowie karmiono obficie wystepuja jedynie podejrzana sprawa stala nie odnotowywano wiekszego komplementu z wytworzeniem.”
  • If you are over 65, no matter where you are, Gaylord Hotels and AARP want you safely in bed by 8:30 pm.
  • PayPal and Replacements Ltd will give you a ten percent discount on any organ purchased before July 31st.
  • Timeshare Facts, Check Your Credit and Tax Defense suggest that the best way to check your credit and lower your taxes is to do both while spending a week at one of their many, many once-in-a-lifetime timeshare vacations (50% off).  If that doesn’t work, then spend more time at one of their many, many once-in-a-lifetime timeshare vacations (50% off).
  • Regal Ecigs and Reverse Mortgage Planner have devised a program that assures you that your reverse mortgage payments will last longer than you do.
  • Garcinia Cambogia Slim and AHS Warranty have teamed up to guarantee your weight loss.  If your weight-loss comes back, simply send back the weight gain in a marked package to receive double your money back!
  • American Laser Skincare, Spray Your Way to Health and 1Ink have developed a new way to get that healthy tan using your laser jet printer.  Send in now for your thirty-day sample of Ink-Skin® cartridges.
  • LifeLine Screening, Reclaim Your Glory, Male Vitality, Cable TV and Blood Pressure Solutions have gotten together in one enormous wad of promotion that extends your life and love life while lowering your blood pressure and cable TV bills.
  • Restore My Vision, Lasik Vision Institute and Evite recommend an eye exam before you accept that next invitation, otherwise you may get…
  • Brazilian Shemales and Latin Ladyboys.
  •     Well, you are on your own with this one. Use your imagination.