Adorable Puppy Photos

 

I am doing what any proud parent would do and subjecting you to a set of photos showing off our newest addition.  [See Beware of Dog!]  All of the photos are taken in “adorable puppy mode.”  “Psycho-puppy mode” occurs at speeds faster than light and are not photographable.

The puppy has not yet been allowed to sleep with us.  I stress the “yet.”  My wife tells me that when that happens she will find me a good home through the Curmudgeon Rescue Centers of America.

 

puppy17 puppy11
 puppy13  puppy16
 puppy14  puppy15
 puppy1  puppy4
 puppy12  puppy3

Sirius-ly

What do George W. Bush, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Waco Texas biker gangs and most dogs have in common?  They all receive messages from Sirius, the Dog Star.

Sirius1

Have you ever noticed how dogs will stop and tilt their heads to one side with a quizzical look?  They are receiving instructions from Sirius.  My new little puppy assumes this stance before going into psycho-puppy mode.  Eventually, she is ordered, by extra-terrestrial powers, to relax and assume the adorable puppy mode.

George W. Bush assumed a similar position before he was instructed to invade Iraq.

Sirius2

Yes, you read it here first.  Bush 43 did not decide on his own to invade Iraq; he was ordered to do so by forces in the universe.

Sometimes the orders get mixed up.  Not a month ago, several would be presidential candidates were caught attempting to lick their privates while, on the same day, a bunch of dogs declared their candidacy for President of the United States.  Donald Trump got both orders simultaneously.

Sirius3

Anthony Weiner received a similar mixed up message which instructed him to do different things with his – uh – thing.

And then there is the leader of Russia, one Vladimir Putin.  Is it not more than coincidence that Putin and a Russian wolfhound look alike?  Both have “dog star receiver” written all over their faces.  Both have the mannerisms and actions to support this theory.

Sirius4

When Putin mysteriously disappeared for a period a time, the journals were abuzz with rumors about his absence – a coup, super-secret negotiations or a covert liaison?  No, he was getting a much-needed flea bath and toe trim ordered by interstellar forces.

Then there is the supreme leader of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un.

Sirius5

There is no comparable picture of a dog because 1) it’s disrespectful to all dogs and 2) Kim would have the dog convicted of disloyalty, executed and then eaten.

Last, and certainly least, are the biker gangs of Waco, Texas.  You probably concluded that the recent deadly incident involving a bunch of biker gangs revolved around drugs, alcohol and high testosterone levels.  Wrong!  They were actually fighting over the economic policies of the former late president of France, Valery Giscard D’Estaing.  At the same time, at an economic summit, economists fought over a dog bone.

These stated items are just a few of the many occurrences that have been influenced by forces from outer space.  In fact, this phenomenon is so common that I am amazed it has not been canonized into law.

It is not known what intent the Sirius forces have in mind.  Are they:

  • Planning a full-scale invasion?
  • Just fooling with our minds?
  • Testing their version of the emergency broadcast system?
  • Attempting to enroll in Obamacare?
  • Creating their own type of intergalactic PlayStation?
  • Playing interstellar fantasy space balls?

No one knows.  Unless you know.  Of course, you may be receiving orders as well.

 

Twisted Phrases

Twisted phrase

As people age, they worry about eye-hand coordination.  I’m beyond that.  I worry about eye-brain coordination.  My eyes and brain continue to play tricks on me.  Hence, the following set of normal phrases become twisted by my warped mind:

International House of Pancakes becomes International Hole of Pancakes.

Smoothies and Freshly Made Meals becomes Smoothies and Freshly Made Eels. (Nothing is worse than stale eels.)

Stunning Underwater Life = Stunning Underwear Life.

Best prom dresses for under $100 = Best porn dresses for under $100.

Vanity plate with JMP SHT = a basketball player saying jump shot.  To me, however, it’s jump shit?!

Someone else had a vanity plate saying SHTR BG.  This was a photographer saying shutterbug, but to me it was shitter big.  Why would you have shitter big as a vanity plate?  I guess it’s because BG SHTR was taken.

Cameron Diaz’s hot tips became Cameron Diaz’s hot lips.  Not much of jump here.

On an airplane flight, I noticed in my seat a sign that read “keep seat belts fastened when seated.”  Except I read it as “keep seat butts fastened when seated.”  (If your seat butt is unfastened, God only knows where it goes.)

“Want to spy on your wife?” became “Want to spray on your wife?”              (How do you do that exactly?)

VISA and MasterCard unveil slick new features = VISA and MasterCard unveil sick new features.  (Excessive use of credit cards can not only make you indebted but also ill.)

Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past hits = Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past tits.             (As opposed to the current set?)

Man killed by falling tombstone while decorating family plot = Man killed by falling trombone while decorating family plot.  (I always felt that trombones in the wrong hands were dangerous.)

Here’s a fact check of his speech = Here’s a fart check of his speech.                 (The speech was offensive.)

Actress rude at book signing = Actress nude at book signing.                           (Good attendance.)

Radio show sex charges = radio show sex change.

Virginia is for lovers = Viagra is for lovers.

On an on it goes.  A warped mind is its own reward.  Have you any brain slip-ups recently?

Beware of Dog!

 

My wife and I decided to get a dog.  (Translation: my wife decided to get a dog.)

The dog is a female Yorkshire terrier.  Taking the description of one dog breed website, terriers are good for people who 1) don’t want a large bulky dog; 2) want a dog that’s playful and social with people; 3) likes their dog to be busy and active without demanding constant attention; and 4) want a companion that will always be alert and watchful if the local squirrels dare to come into the garden and steal your nuts.

(My day is ruined if I find that squirrels are trying to steal my nuts.)

According to the Wikipedia, the Yorkshire terrier is a small dog breed of terrier type, developed in the 19th century in the county of Yorkshire, England to catch rats in clothing mills, also used for rat-baiting.

(My week is ruined if I find that rats are trying to eat my nuts.)

In the short time that we have had this adorable creature, we have trained the puppy to pee and poo on its pee-pad.  In that same time, the puppy has trained two humans to wait on her hand and foot.  I had thought, up to now, that only cats had staff but I am learning from a three-pound puppy that dogs can have staff as well.

Our puppy has two modes – adorable, sleeping puppy mode and psycho puppy mode.  I prefer adorable, sleeping puppy mode but that mode does not last long.  During psycho puppy mode, the puppy attacks everything in sight, usually the hands and feet of the male human because male human hands and feet and rats have a lot in common, at least according to the puppy and female humans.  (No female human has ever attacked my hands or feet but they have called me a rat on more than one occasion.)

During college, my housemates and I ended up dog sitting a six month old St. Bernard puppy until he found a good home.  If a three-pound Yorkshire terrier does something bad, you hold it in one hand and say “bad dog!” even though it doesn’t listen to your scolding.  If a 150 pound St. Bernard puppy does something bad, you first have to decide how strong you are and how much pain you are willing to endure to tell it “bad dog!” even though it doesn’t listen to your scolding.  We all believe that St. Bernard’s are the well-behaved dogs that rescue people trapped in heavy snow drifts.  We forget that a dog that can travel through heavy snow drifts is very strong and quite independently minded.  The St. Bernard puppy story has a happy ending: the puppy ended up with a couple who owned a farm where the dog had plenty of room to roam.

So I am being slowly trained by this three-pound terror to obey her rules but at least I know that my nuts are safe.

Warning!

 

Yorkysign2

Beware of the Yorkshire terrier!

Fallen Arches Redux

Writing the romance_picture copy    Fallen Arches title copy      Fallen waldorf

 

I am on a short (several week) break.  In my absence, I direct your attention to Fallen Arches.

Fallen Arches is my silly effort at poking fun at romance novels.  Both Carrie Rubin and Diane Henders have been kind and big-hearted enough (and foolish enough) to allow me to take their novels and turn them into mincemeat with my perverted version of heart-throbbing and head-aching romance.  See The Minot Misery and Corned Beef on Spy, respectively.  Madame Weebles‘ post on Search Terms: WTF Edition and Alex Trebek inspired me to write a parody entitled Double Jeopardy.

[As an aside, I do note that no one has asked me to do this a second time.]

Other vain and misdirected efforts include an envious vampire, a lonely housewife, and a would-be gangster.  I have sought out every genre from dinner parties to detectives to outer space to mystical transformations. I have written them based upon search terms and multiple choice: No theme is beyond my ability to reduce it to crappy pulp.  They are all listed under “Romance Novel?” in the Types of Gripes.

But, as you know, I’m not original and I am always looking for material.  If any of you wish to have your novels, journals or articles reduced to mushy, illogical, sentimental rubbish, then please send me your ideas and I will ruin them post-haste (or whenever I feel like it).

When I return, I will give your comments the attention they deserve.  In the meantime, you can waste your time and waste away your brain perusing through the chapters of  Writing the romance_fallen copy.