Curmudgeon’s Pub

 

I don’t get out much.  Why should I since all is do is complain about what I encounter?  I got to thinking that, lazy soul that I am, why don’t I get the complaints to come to me?

So I decided to start a pub.  What could be more patriotic in the US of A than a good, old-fashioned European pub?

CurPub2CP

But a pub needs a pub sign and I need your help.  Boy, do I need your help.

I wrote a previous post about clever London Pub Signs.  Plagiarism never stopped me in the past but I think that – with your help – I can produce a set as good or better than those.  Here’s one seen on a pub sign in Edinburgh, Scotland.

CurPub1

Here are my pitiful efforts:

CurPubSign1

CurPubSign2

 

CurPubSign3

 

CurPubSign4

 

Yeah, they suck.  Can you do better?  I certainly think so.  Please help an old curmudgeon.

What would you put on the Curmudge’s Pub sign?

Pluto Redux

 

Plutoredux1b

I had written an earlier post – The Demise of Pluto – lamenting its reduction in status to that of dwarf planet or plutoid.  In 2006, the International Astronomical Union demoted Pluto to its new status and we were left with eight rather than nine planets.  In my (humble) opinion, this is a clear travesty of justice.  The recent NASA New Horizons flyby mission and subsequent gathering of data have reinforced my efforts to return Pluto to its rightful place in our solar system.

With a nod to David Letterman and List of X, I have ten reasons to elevate Pluto back to planethood:

1.  Pluto has 5 moons – Charon, Kerberos, Styx, Nix and Hydra. Hey, that’s five times the number that Earth has. Mars only has two and Venus and Mercury have none. Plus the fact is that several of the moons can be mistaken for cosmological forms of Netsuke. Shown below, the one on the left is Nix or penis without testicles and the one on the right is Hydra or squatting doggie.

Plutoredux2

2.  There have been no Donald Trump sightings on Pluto. [As an aside, The Donald is opposed to reinstating Pluto to planet status because he feels that many other undocumented dwarf planets would ask for planet status thus depriving the existing planets of their livelihoods. “I like my planets big and full of gas” said The Donald. “Those other things out there aren’t real planets.”]

3.  It is completely virgin territory, unscathed by war, pestilence, plague, terrorism and other acts of inhumanity. In other words, it is an ideal spot for humans to start war, pestilence, plague, terrorism and other acts of inhumanity.

4.  Even though it took the New Horizons space probe ten years to get from Earth to Pluto, when any of the above acts occur, news media will still report upon it live in seconds.

5.  It will provide innumerable job opportunities for land developers, exotic travel specialists, food franchisers (anyone for a Pluto dog?), doomsayers, soothsayers, creationists, revisionists, recidivists, spelunkers, debunkers, bikers, hikers, criers, liars, hair dyers, pied pipers, psychics, people of Area 51, people of Walmart, people in the witness protection program, planet-to-planet salesmen and – least of all – mimes.

6.  You won’t have to revise those sayings which you memorized to remember the order of the planets: Man Very Early Makes Jars Stand Up Nearly Perpendicular or My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets.

7.  It’s a good place to park your in-laws. By the time they come back for a return visit, you’ll be dead.

8.  The use of dwarf planet is demeaning and degrading. The preferred term is volumetrically challenged.

9.  Restoration of Pluto to full planet status will increase the likelihood of the removal of the anal probing station placed there by aliens shortly after Pluto’s demotion to dwarf planet.  The station will return where it rightfully belongs – Uranus.

10.  Hundreds of organizations – from the U.S. Congress and the United Nations to the Triskaidekaphobia Illuminatus Society and the Astrology Club – can take credit for the rightful restoration of Pluto without costing any of them a dime.  It’s a win-win.

Once again, I ask you to join me in the effort to restore Pluto to planethood!

Plutoredux3

 

Amazing Maps

 

Once again, FOAF (that’s Friend of a Friend to the uninitiated) has come to the rescue with some incredible world maps.  These maps remind me of Edward Tufte’s book on The Visual Display of Quantitative Information (http://www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/index .

I’m sure that these maps are available somewhere on the Internet and, if you find out where, please give me the originator so I can credit that source.  In the meantime, enjoy the graphical descriptions.

This map shows the world divided into 7 sections (each with a distinct color) with each section containing 1 billion people.

Amap1

More people live inside the circle than outside of it.

Amap2

This map shows (in white) where 98 percent of Australia’s population lives.

Amap3

This map shows what is on the other side of the world from where you are standing.  For the most part it will probably be water.

This map shows the countries (in blue) where people drive on the left side of the road.

Amap5

This map shows countries (in white) that England has never invaded.  There are only 22 of them.

Amap6

The line in this map shows all of the world’s Internet connections in 1969.

Amap7

This map shows the countries that heavily restricted Internet access in 2013.

Amap8

This map shows (in red) countries that were all Communist at one point in time.

Amap9

This map shows (in red) the countries that don’t use the metric system.

Amap10

This map shows (in green) all the landlocked countries of the world.

Amap11

And this is what the world would look like if all the countries with coast lines sank.

Amap12

This map shows the longest straight line you can sail.  It goes from Pakistan all the way to Kamchatka Peninsula in Russia for a total of 20,000 miles.

Amap13

This is a map of 19th century shipping lanes that outlines the continents.

Amap14

This map shows the most photographed places in the world.

Amap15

And this map shows all the places where you can get eaten by a Great White shark!

Amap16

Adorable Puppy Photos

 

I am doing what any proud parent would do and subjecting you to a set of photos showing off our newest addition.  [See Beware of Dog!]  All of the photos are taken in “adorable puppy mode.”  “Psycho-puppy mode” occurs at speeds faster than light and are not photographable.

The puppy has not yet been allowed to sleep with us.  I stress the “yet.”  My wife tells me that when that happens she will find me a good home through the Curmudgeon Rescue Centers of America.

 

puppy17 puppy11
 puppy13  puppy16
 puppy14  puppy15
 puppy1  puppy4
 puppy12  puppy3

Sirius-ly

What do George W. Bush, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Waco Texas biker gangs and most dogs have in common?  They all receive messages from Sirius, the Dog Star.

Sirius1

Have you ever noticed how dogs will stop and tilt their heads to one side with a quizzical look?  They are receiving instructions from Sirius.  My new little puppy assumes this stance before going into psycho-puppy mode.  Eventually, she is ordered, by extra-terrestrial powers, to relax and assume the adorable puppy mode.

George W. Bush assumed a similar position before he was instructed to invade Iraq.

Sirius2

Yes, you read it here first.  Bush 43 did not decide on his own to invade Iraq; he was ordered to do so by forces in the universe.

Sometimes the orders get mixed up.  Not a month ago, several would be presidential candidates were caught attempting to lick their privates while, on the same day, a bunch of dogs declared their candidacy for President of the United States.  Donald Trump got both orders simultaneously.

Sirius3

Anthony Weiner received a similar mixed up message which instructed him to do different things with his – uh – thing.

And then there is the leader of Russia, one Vladimir Putin.  Is it not more than coincidence that Putin and a Russian wolfhound look alike?  Both have “dog star receiver” written all over their faces.  Both have the mannerisms and actions to support this theory.

Sirius4

When Putin mysteriously disappeared for a period a time, the journals were abuzz with rumors about his absence – a coup, super-secret negotiations or a covert liaison?  No, he was getting a much-needed flea bath and toe trim ordered by interstellar forces.

Then there is the supreme leader of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un.

Sirius5

There is no comparable picture of a dog because 1) it’s disrespectful to all dogs and 2) Kim would have the dog convicted of disloyalty, executed and then eaten.

Last, and certainly least, are the biker gangs of Waco, Texas.  You probably concluded that the recent deadly incident involving a bunch of biker gangs revolved around drugs, alcohol and high testosterone levels.  Wrong!  They were actually fighting over the economic policies of the former late president of France, Valery Giscard D’Estaing.  At the same time, at an economic summit, economists fought over a dog bone.

These stated items are just a few of the many occurrences that have been influenced by forces from outer space.  In fact, this phenomenon is so common that I am amazed it has not been canonized into law.

It is not known what intent the Sirius forces have in mind.  Are they:

  • Planning a full-scale invasion?
  • Just fooling with our minds?
  • Testing their version of the emergency broadcast system?
  • Attempting to enroll in Obamacare?
  • Creating their own type of intergalactic PlayStation?
  • Playing interstellar fantasy space balls?

No one knows.  Unless you know.  Of course, you may be receiving orders as well.