Blissful Couple

The internet supplies me with an endless source of warped amusement.  Valentine’s Day provided an excuse to exercise it.

I saw the following picture – attached to some inane article – and instantly came up with…

Here’s a typical couple enjoying a quiet afternoon at their home.

Bliss4C

———-

Or are they?

———-

This couple may be experiencing some difficulties when she thinks:

Bliss2

… and

Bliss3

 

While he thinks:

A)

Bliss4A

B)

Bliss4B

C)

Bliss4C

Or D)

Bliss4D

———-

———-

So what have we learned from these possible scenarios?

  1. Looks are deceiving.
  2. Hockey is back!
  3. Buy low, sell high.
  4. Who’s Roy?
  5. Yet another example that, no matter what the man is thinking, he is still wrong!!

 

 

Scientific Puns

One more round of puns.

You may thank (or curse) HighIQHumor for these:

Scientific

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microScope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 Billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbird

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1,000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 Literhosen

8 nickels = 2 Paradigms

 

And, for your added pleasure:

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Do you think that humans will ever walk on the sun? (It would have to occur at night.)

Lexophilia

Who on earth dreams up bad puns (are there any other kind)? Why, a Lexophile of course.

Lexophilia

How does Moses make tea?  Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typO.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Biases and Prejudices

In a rare moment of reflection and self-evaluation, I came face-to-face with a startling realization about my own biases and prejudices.

Biased1

I will believe as Gospel truth anything told to me by someone who has a proper British accent or a deep baritone voice.  The late Sir Richard Burton, James Earl Jones, Patrick Stewart or Dennis Haysbert could sell me swamp land, stock in the Brooklyn Bridge, a body organ or a radioactive device.  They could tell me that they know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, reveal their encounters with alien life forms or how to make gold from base metals and I would believe them.  They could convince me that I was a victim of botched trans-vaginal mesh surgery or that I lived a previous life in the court of Emperor Franz Joseph of Austria-Hungary.  I could listen to any of these voices as they recite the Newark, New Jersey yellow pages and be mesmerized.

I consider Abraham Lincoln as the greatest prose poet of the nineteenth century.  He is reported, however, to have had a high-pitched, squeaky voice.  It is better that I never heard him speaking his famous words because I would not accept them.

Imagine that you are driving along an interstate highway in the Deep South in the United States and you are involved in a terrible traffic accident.  You are rushed to the emergency center of a nearby regional hospital with life threatening injuries.  Which of these two doctors would you prefer to operate on you?

Doctor Number 1:  (in a clipped, upper class British accent) “I am your surgeon, Dr. Hugh Lockhart-Mummery.  Trust me when I say that I and my superbly capable staff shall get you through this complicated procedure with as little difficulty as possible.  I must tell you that, although I trained at Harvard, Oxford, the Mayo Clinic and the American Hospital of Paris, this is my very first attempt to perform this complicated operation.  Your family may rest assured, though, that you are in competent hands.”

Doctor Number 2: (in an accent like Gomer Pyle): “Well gol-lee, we sure got us a good one here.  Haven’t seen a break like this since baby brother fell outta the ol’ swamp oak.  I’m Dr. Joe-Bob and me and my crew will get you fixed up quicker’n your mama can unbutton her overalls.  Done a couple thousand of these and ain’t had to call the morgue yet.”

Now logic would dictate that Dr. Joe-Bob, with a thousand plus operations under his belt, knows what he is doing and Dr. Lockhart-Mummery-Whatever doesn’t know squat.  But are you going to tell me that you would not be reassured by that soothing voice of confidence that only comes with a proper British accent?  And that you would be less than comforted by hearing the voice of a surgeon who sounds like one of the supporting characters from the Dukes of Hazzard?

Yes, we all carry our biases and prejudices with us.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, someone who sounds just like James Earl Jones is telling me I only have five minutes left to make a once-in-a-lifetime investment in property on the moon.

…… for Dummies

I received a notice recently of the availability of Medicare for Dummies, Second Edition.

Medicare for Dummies

For only $19.99, I can find out:

  • When I should sign up for Medicare
  • What Medicare covers
  • What Medicare costs
  • How Medicare works with other health benefits.

All of this information is undoubtedly useful, especially for an aging population in need of such advice.  The “For Dummies” book franchise now has over 2500 titles.  As stated in Wikipedia, “For Dummies is an extensive series of instructional/reference books which are intended to present non-intimidating guides for readers new to the various topics covered.  The series has been a worldwide success with editions in numerous languages.”

But Medicare for Dummies just strikes a non-resonant chord.  It raises the question* of what is next for a dummy like me.  Besides the obvious – Retirement for Dummies, Medicaid for Dummies – there is the illogical step to:

  • Walking and Chewing Gum for Dummies
  • Answering the Phone for Dummies
  • Monday for Dummies (part one of a seven part series)
  • Poverty and Homelessness for Dummies
  • Borderline Hysteria for Dummies
  • Terminal Cancer for Dummies
  • Death for Dummies
  • and
  • How to be a Dummy for Dummies.

I should have realized that there is already a Blogging for Dummies, Facebook for Dummies and Twitter for Dummies.  There is also Critical Thinking for Dummies which appears to be a contradiction in terms.

It’s only a matter of time before you can enroll in For Dummies University (FDU) where you can graduate Magna cum Stultus.

——-

*Dr. Language Guy applauds the use of “raises the question” versus “begs the question” and refers readers to several diatribes articles on this subject.

http://hubpages.com/education/Begging-the-Question-vs-Raising-the-Question-Understanding-a-commonly-misused-phrase

http://philosophy.avemaria.edu/post/29691374480/begging-the-question-vs-raising-the-question

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/begs-the-question?page=all