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Penitent Dr. LG: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Reproachful Priest: How long has it been since your last confession?
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Penitent Dr. LG: Uh… well… it’s been a while.
Reproachful Priest: That is okay, my son. Tell me of your sins.
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Penitent Dr. LG:
Oh Father my sins are many. I have tried to serve as a language maven but I have given misguided directions to my followers. I have instructed them in better writing and diction but I have fallen victim to doubts and uncertainty. I am beckoned by the siren calls of language change against which I have asked them to resist. Not only that, these ideas seem to me quite normal and ones that should be incorporated into modern writing in place of their more stylistic but perhaps dated earlier forms.
Reproachful Priest: ?
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Penitent Dr. LG: Let me give you some examples of my transgressions. I speak of the Oxford comma, the placement of quotation marks inside punctuation marks, and the split infinitive.
Reproachful Priest: ??
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Penitent Dr. LG:
I’ll start with the Oxford comma. As you may know, the Oxford comma (also called the Harvard comma or serial comma) is a comma placed immediately before the coordinating conjunction (usually and, or, or nor) in a series of three or more terms. For example, we may punctuate three items as “A, B, and C” (with the serial comma) or “A, B and C” (without the serial comma). Long have I railed against the use of the serial comma as unnecessary. While the Associated Press Stylebook advises against it, many other style guides like The Chicago Manual of Style, Strunk and White’s Elements of Style, and the U.S. Government Printing Office Style Manual advocate its use. How can I disagree with such an auspicious group?1
1 portions excerpted from Wikipedia
Then there is the placement of punctuation marks outside of quotation marks. I have been told that “periods and commas always go inside quotation marks, even inside single quotes.” Yet, fewer and fewer writers do this and I have a hard time explaining why they should. Isn’t it easier to let the quotation marks set off the quoted or emphasized phrase and then end with the terminating punctuation mark? Oh I fear these voices.
These same voices tell me that it matters not that I split my infinitives! Is it any improvement or difference, they say, “to go boldy” than “to boldy go” where no writer has gone before? The evil voices are winning, Father, they are winning.
Oh and I don’t even want to tell you how I refuse to give up the long-established habit of placing two spaces instead of one between sentences. I know it’s wasteful of space but I cannot help but believe it gives better readability and I’m here to confess these and many other sins too numerous to mention.
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Reproachful Priest: [After a long pause] I believe that you are at the wrong confessional, my son.
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Penitent Dr. LG: Well, did I confess to you about how I once thought that Steven Seagal was a good actor?
Reproachful Priest: I’m listening…
How to Curmudgeon
A number of people have asked me “How, exactly, do you become a curmudgeon?” Actually, no one asked me that but I’m sure a few have thought about it and a few more have even hinted at it. I’m here to set the record straight.
A curmudgeon is defined as a crusty, ill-tempered old man. While generally male, a curmudgeon graces both sexes (think Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Dorothy Parker and Paula Poundstone). I am one and, with counseling, you can be one too. (If not, then you’ll just need counseling.)
What, you may ask, is the value of being a curmudgeon?
So how, exactly do you become a curmudgeon? While there is no set formula, there are clues.
For example, did you look like this a child?
Do you look like this as an adult?
When a clerk in a store or a greeter at a convention says to you “Have a nice day,” how do you respond?
When an important looking person approaches you and says “Do you know who I am?” you respond by saying:
You regard children and small animals as:
Which activity should be added as an Olympic sport?
What do you do if you pee when you jump up and down?
What slogan would you choose to put on a tee shirt?
If you look like the people in the pictures and answered every question with “C,” then you may be on the road to being a curmudgeon. If not, then you may be on the yellow brick road.
Oh, and have a nice day! As you already know, I have other plans.
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