Miss Cellaneous

 

miscellaneous

 

Father O’Grady

Father O’Grady, as he always does after his Sunday morning service, was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.

“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Father O’Grady.

“Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Mary.

“What is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Well, yes he did Father,” replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

Mary replied, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun.’ ”

 

Available at WalMart

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Available in three sizes – XXL, XXXL and Blimp.

 

Older Senior Citizen but Still Sharp as a Tack

A senior citizen in Florida buys a brand new Mercedes convertible. He takes off down the road, floors it to 80 MPH and enjoys the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even harder. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing, siren blaring.

“I can get away …from him with no problem,” thought the man, as he bear down on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 MPH… 110… 120 MPH.  Then he thought, “What am I doing… I’m too old for this kind of thing!”

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up.  The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.  “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”

 

Quotes about Scotch:      :thumbsup:

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. –Humphrey Bogart

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.  –W.C. Fields

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.  –George Burns

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life? Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.  –Daniel Silva

One good thing about rain in Scotland. Most of it ends up as scotch.  –Peter Alliss

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.  –Rodney Dangerfield

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch. –Anne Taintor

 

 

Why We Need Editors and Movie Critics

why-statler-and-waldorf

Why we still need editors:

 From an eBay seller;

 My dear friend. Thank you very much for your purchase and choice. If you received the items are satisfied. Please give me a positive feedback, If you receive the items feels unsatisfied or the broken. Please don’t make the negative or neutral feedback for me. Please email to tell me. I can reply you in 24 hours. You will obtain refund money (full). Thanks a lot. Many blessing you and your family. I’m honest. Please believe me and continue to buy. If you have any questions. Please E-mail to me.

Enjoying with your bidding! It is worthy of your choice!!!

 

Why I love movie critics, especially when they are panning bad movies:

“This ghastly comedy emits the subliminal whine of a sucking chest wound.” — The Village Voice

“Another dim adaptation of a bright comic novel.” — The Wall Street Journal

“The film stinks from start to finish, like a wet burlap sack of gloom.” — LA Weekly

“Stupid. Illogical. Simplistic. Pandering. And those are its good points.” — Baltimore Sun

“The scariest thing in the movie is a cameo by Scott Baio.” — The Village Voice

“The most surprising thing about the movie is that somebody bothered to make it in the first place.” — The Washington Post

“A movie about self-absorbed douchebags that wallows in their douchebaggery.” — The A.V. Club

 “As numbing and depressing to watch as suits hammering out a film-packaging deal one venal clause at a time.” — LA Weekly

 “About as arousing as an icy shower.” — Entertainment Weekly

 “It feels like both a joke and a turkey.” — The New York Times

 

Election Postmortem

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“Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.”

-Thomas Jefferson

 

“And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?”

-W. B. Yeats

 

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

-H. L. Mencken

For this election, I’ve got a little list.

With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan.  To the tune of I’ve Got a Little List from The Mikado.  Chorus is in Bold Italics.

for-this-election1

Martyn Green as Ko-Ko, 1930s

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found, I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list.

Of society offenders who might well be underground, and who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

The lady whose email servers have problems of their own

Thirty-three thousand disappear like a stone.

There’s the party outsider who praises in raucous tones

Every party but his and every country but his own.

And the election outcome denialists,

They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!

 

He’s got ’em on the list — he’s got ’em on the list;

And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed.

 

Apologists, deniers, spin room activists,

Irrational supporters who get me really pissed.

All TV journalists who speaks as though listeners care

And the other ones who claim to be balanced and fair.

The dead who vote Democrat but that theory is not sound,

For you see, Mayor Giuliani, they are already underground.

WikiLeaks, tax returns, foundation donations and grants

And all those fanatics who substitute enthusiasm for facts.

And that singular anomaly, the lady plagiarist — I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not he missed!

 

He’s got her on the list — he’s got her on the list;

And I don’t think she’ll be missed — I’m sure she’ll not be missed!

 

There’s the pestilential congressmen who give democracy a pass.

The judicial obstructionists who are running out of gas.

And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,

Who defend outrageous statements by saying – “Oh, never mind.”

Third party candidates without a world view

The little, lyin’, disgusting, crooked, low-energy crew

Bad hombres, nasty women and also you-know-who

The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.

But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,

For they’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!

 

You may put ’em on the list — you may put ’em on the list;

And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed!

So Donald Trump Walks into a Bar…

 

(With a nod to idiotprufs and List of X).

so-donald

So Donald Trump walks into a bar…

  1. and denies he ever walked into a bar.
  2. orders a drink from the bartender and tells her she would not look like a pig if she lost 20 pounds.
  3. says he knows how to drink and drinks only the best drinks.
  4. doesn’t want to be braggadocious but he likes his drinks bigly.
  5. demands that everyone except the white guys be stopped and frisked.
  6. blames Hillary Clinton for the spilled liquor and the crushed peanut shells on the floor.
  7. says that his entrance into the bar was the best entrance ever. Ever, ever, ever.
  8. requests that all Mexicans leave the bar and then re-enter it legally.
  9. runs up a tab and says that he will pay it once the audit of the tab is complete.
  10. not sure that he will pay the tab anyway because he didn’t get the service he expected.