With a national election upcoming in the United States, I have been wondering how much the average American knows about the rights of U.S. citizenship. Naturalized citizens are required to pass a citizenship test (see link ) but those of us born as American citizens have no such requirement. I think it is time that ALL Americans, if they want to be called Americans, stand up and take a test to prove that they are indeed true-blue one hundred percent U.S. citizens.
Ergo (meaning more pompous than therefore), I offer the Curmudgeon-at-Large True-Blue United States Citizenship Test.
- What are the last words of the national anthem?
- a) Of Thee I Sing
- b) God Save the Queen
- c) And the Home of the Brave
- d) Play Ball
2.What is the first question asked by a defense attorney to his client?
- a) Are you guilty?
- b) Are you innocent?
- c) How much money have you got?
- d) Want some crack?
3. What is the proper drink for the Fourth of July?
- a) Pabst Blue Ribbon
- b) Bourbon
- c) Cosmopolitan
- d) All of the above
4. Where was President Barak Obama born?
- a) Illinois
- b) Hawaii
- c) Kansas
- d) Kenya
5. Where was Donald Trump born?
- a) New York
- b) Florida
- c) In a galaxy far, far away
- d) He wasn’t born; he was hatched.
6. Which person below is NOT true-blue one hundred percent American?
7. What do you do when go into a voting booth?
- a) Vote for the candidates of your choice
- b) Vote for the candidates you were paid to vote for
- c) Look for hidden cameras
- d) Relieve yourself
8. In the event no candidate for President of the United States receives the required number of electoral votes, who chooses the next president?
- a) Congress
- b) World Wrestling Federation
- c) Some unknown guy hidden in Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming
- d) Highest bidder
9. What are the three branches of government?
- a) Olive, birch and palm
- b) Huey, Dewey and Louie
- c) Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous
- d) It doesn’t matter, they’re all crooks.
10. Match the statement to the president.
|a) I am not a crook.
||George H.W. Bush
|b) I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
|c) Read my lips.
|d) Gerald Ford can’t piss and chew gum at the same time.
11. What are the first words a foreign-speaking naturalized citizen should understand when entering the United States?
- a) Welcome to America.
- b) Stay in your lane.
- c) You have the right to remain silent.
- d) Attention, Kmart shoppers!
12. How often does the United States Constitution get changed?
- a) Every four years
- b)Every two years and four months
- c) Whenever an amendment is ratified by three-fourths of the states
- d) When it gets dirty
To get your results, please place your answers, a self-addressed stamped envelope and $500 in cash (preferably small bills) in a sealed envelope and mail it to:
- True-Blue United States Citizenship Test
- 123 Main St.
- East Jesus, TX 88808
You will receive the answers that you deserve.
Your welcome, America!
Posted in Curmudgeonry
Tagged Barack Obama, citizenship test, consitution of the United States, Donald Trump, elections, humor, humour, musings, national anthem, naturalized citizen, politics, questions, voting
While I am off thinking of more items to grouse and complain about, I realized that you should have something other than The Donald’s statue to contemplate.
Those of you in Canada or Mexico can choose a state comparable to your province.
Dr. Language Guy here.
It has come to my attention that many of you face a grammatical dilemma when encountering strange wildlife in your own backyard. Now I know that, if you sight wolves, deer or locusts, you will immediately call out “There is a pack of wolves or a herd of deer or a plague of locusts in my backyard!” Packs are common to a number of creatures – wolves, hounds and other dogs – as are herds – asses, buffalo, deer, elephants, giraffes, moose and zebras. Plagues only apply to locusts and politicians.
But what do you say if, for examples, you encounter baboons, sheldrake or wombats? Never fear. Thanks to the Book of Saint Albans of 1486 entitled Companys of Beestys and Fowlys, aided by Wikipedia and abcteach, you will correctly and properly identify any group of animals that cross your path. The animals will respect you for this attention to detail.
A Troop of Baboons
A Sedge of Bitterns
A Sounding of Boars
A Drove of Bullocks
A Tok of Capercaillie
A Quiver of Cobras
A Covert of Coots
A Bask of Crocodiles
A Murder of Crows
A Trip of Dotterel
A Fling of Dunlins
A Mob of Emus
A Fesnyng of Ferrets
A Bloat of Hippopotamuses
A Clattering of Jackdaws
A Deceit of Lapwings
An Ascension of Larks
A Plump of Moorhens
A Pod of Pelicans
An Ostentation of Peacocks
A Congregation of Plovers
A Rhumba of Rattlesnakes
A Crash of Rhinoceros
A Dopping of Sheldrake
A Walk of Snipes
A Pitying of Turtle Doves
A Wisdom of Wombats
A WTF? of Weird Wildlife
We should start applying such terms to groups of people as well:
A Brace of Bloggers
A Klump of Kardashians
A Really Good Deal of Used Car Salesmen.
Do you have any suggestions?
Posted in Dr. Language Guy
Tagged animals, baboons, Beestys and Fowlys, Book of Saint Albans, grammatical dilemma, groups of animals, groups of people, herds, humor, humour, language, packs, plagues, sheldrake, What's in your backyard?, wombats