The Good Greatsby wrote a recent post asking “When are aliens going to report back to us with the results of all that anal probe research?”

Thanks to the efforts of a small band of brave but foolhardy investigators and the reporting of your humble blogger, I am here to present you with the findings of the first galactic anal probing research conducted on humans.

Anal probing research, or as the aliens would say гѲгѳ ѣљ€ѲџŰǻȚ, has been going on ever since the creation of Area 51 and the advent of B-rated alien movies in the 1950’s.  For over seventy years, governments – like those of the United States, Russia and Lichtenstein – who would otherwise be sworn enemies dedicated to global warfare and total annihilation banded together in a common cause to keep these deep, dark secrets from the average citizen.

Some portions of the report were redacted which is a fancy way of saying “We don’t know what word went in here but if we block it out we can act as if it’s important.”

Excerpts from the copy of the galactic report on human anal probing:

• First, on behalf of the entire anal probing team, I would like to give a big shout-out to Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

• Although entry through any orifice produced the same miserable results, selection of the anal orifice for probing was based upon a number of factors:
  • It appeared to be the orifice which collected the results of all other orifices and therefore would have the highest effective sampling;
  • Over and over we would hear the phrase “head up your ass” leading us to believe that the anal orifice was actually a “twofer;” and
  • It would cause the biggest stink back on earth.

• Live anal probing was conducted because probing on human corpses turned out to be a dead end.

• The most frequently asked question by humans was “Is this covered by my health insurance?”

• One sub-species, called Proctologists, tended to take extensive notes.

• Whenever humans objected to probing, we provided a rebuttal.

• No animal was used, injured or killed during the extensive anal probing of humans.

• We considered but rejected giving each human subject an anal probing t-shirt, mug or chamber pot.

• Most humans have reported – quite falsely – that our examinations centered on sex and reproductive biology.  We can state unequivocally that no there has been NO offspring produced as a result of our anal probing experiments.

• All of our efforts at communication were rejected.  We injected our findings after probing but these were all expelled by the humans within twenty-four hours, usually into small, white oval-shaped devices filled with water.  On many other occasions, the humans first went into tiny wooden sheds with half-moons on them and the rest just squatted in the open.

• As a result, our suggestion to improve human hygienic practices, which was included in our findings, along with suggestions for world peace and the elimination of hunger, was sadly rejected by all human subjects.

• Though we are behind in our analysis, we plan to catch up in the end.