Politics 102

Fresh from my successful stint as a political consultant for your victorious entry-level political campaign (Politics 101), I’m ready to give advice for bigger and better things.

Political debates:

  • At least one campaign debate should be moderated by Jerry Springer, Jesse Ventura or World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon.  Jerry Springer will keep a crew of bouncers, dressed in black, just off stage in the likely event that a surprise guest makes an appearance in the middle of the debate and starts a fight with one or more of the candidates.  Jesse Ventura or Vince McMahon will start the fight themselves.
  • At least one debate will be held in a school cafeteria so that the candidates can engage in both a war of words and a food fight.  [By the way, there are few foods that can’t be improved by adding enough butter, flour, sugar or alcohol.  That’s a food freebee.]
  • Another debate should be held at a senior center.  Instead of an American Idol-like background with constant interruptions of applause, boos and cheers, we will only hear mumbles and occasional snoring.  It will also give the viewing audience an idea of what they can look forward to.  Such a debate will go over really big in places like South Florida or Arizona, which are in effect holding patterns for Heaven.
  • One debate should include a magic trick – saw a candidate in half or make a candidate disappear (or make them all disappear).
  • One debate should have a séance (“Can you hear me, Richard Nixon?”).

Campaign appearances:

  • At least one campaign appearance should be conducted in a large arena and have a gladiatorial contest and a beheading.
  • To connect with the people, make as many campaign appearances as possible in folksy diners, barber shops, rodeos, truck pulls, tattoo parlors and opium dens.  Grow your own marijuana and then give it away.  Conduct a mass wedding.

Campaign strategies:

  • Annoy people.  You can annoy some of the people some of the time, and all of the people some of the time but can you annoy all of the people all of the time?  If you can annoy enough people in your district, you can get elected because they will vote for you rather than have to listen to one more campaign speech, request for money or robo-telemarketing call.
  • Be unique.  Stand out from other candidates by not shaking hands, touching or kissing any constituent.  In fact, only make campaign appearances in a bio-hazard suit and explain that your number one concern is the safety of the people you wish to represent and the danger of transmitting illness through direct contact.
  • Invent a cause.  Attack things that have no chance of attacking back – geese and other migratory fowl; obscure island nations; lighthouses; pacifists.
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17 responses to “Politics 102

  1. I like the idea of inventing causes, but suggest the candidates stay away from attacking geese, especially Canadian ones. Canada geese are much more vicious and impolite than would be expected, considering the place they originally came from.

  2. These are brilliant ideas, Curmudgeon. And how awesome would it be to have a debate in a WWF-style format? Vince McMahon would probably be into it, since his wife is running for something or other.

    Also, maybe some sort of Survivor-type thing, where they have to do weird stuff and then we get to vote someone (or all of them) off the island.

  3. I like the Bio-Hazard suit idea – it’s always smart to instill a good dose of fear in your voters.

  4. C-a-L,
    I need to be the bearer of bad news, my friend. And I am only doing this as I like you, and because I care: Richard Nixon is dead.
    Le Clown

  5. I like the idea of having a campaign appearance in a tattoo parlor. The loser of the debate gets to choose what and where the tattoo goes. Better yet involve the public too. Let us vote on it.

  6. I love your new political model. Could I rush up on stage and hit the candidates with a chair just like WWF? And I love the food fight idea. Mashed potatoes are my weapon of choice, but they have to be of the powdered/reconstituted variety. Those things stick like glue.

    Oops, sorry, I flashed back to university cafeteria for a minute there. Good times…

  7. How about an iron chef competition, followed by an obstacle course during which the audience gets to throw sardines at the candidates while they attempt to cross a greased pole over a lawyer filled shark-tank.

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