Fresh from my successful stint as a political consultant for your victorious entry-level political campaign (Politics 101), I’m ready to give advice for bigger and better things.
- At least one campaign debate should be moderated by Jerry Springer, Jesse Ventura or World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon. Jerry Springer will keep a crew of bouncers, dressed in black, just off stage in the likely event that a surprise guest makes an appearance in the middle of the debate and starts a fight with one or more of the candidates. Jesse Ventura or Vince McMahon will start the fight themselves.
- At least one debate will be held in a school cafeteria so that the candidates can engage in both a war of words and a food fight. [By the way, there are few foods that can’t be improved by adding enough butter, flour, sugar or alcohol. That’s a food freebee.]
- Another debate should be held at a senior center. Instead of an American Idol-like background with constant interruptions of applause, boos and cheers, we will only hear mumbles and occasional snoring. It will also give the viewing audience an idea of what they can look forward to. Such a debate will go over really big in places like South Florida or Arizona, which are in effect holding patterns for Heaven.
- One debate should include a magic trick – saw a candidate in half or make a candidate disappear (or make them all disappear).
- One debate should have a séance (“Can you hear me, Richard Nixon?”).
- At least one campaign appearance should be conducted in a large arena and have a gladiatorial contest and a beheading.
- To connect with the people, make as many campaign appearances as possible in folksy diners, barber shops, rodeos, truck pulls, tattoo parlors and opium dens. Grow your own marijuana and then give it away. Conduct a mass wedding.
- Annoy people. You can annoy some of the people some of the time, and all of the people some of the time but can you annoy all of the people all of the time? If you can annoy enough people in your district, you can get elected because they will vote for you rather than have to listen to one more campaign speech, request for money or robo-telemarketing call.
- Be unique. Stand out from other candidates by not shaking hands, touching or kissing any constituent. In fact, only make campaign appearances in a bio-hazard suit and explain that your number one concern is the safety of the people you wish to represent and the danger of transmitting illness through direct contact.
- Invent a cause. Attack things that have no chance of attacking back – geese and other migratory fowl; obscure island nations; lighthouses; pacifists.