So a Horse Walks into a Bar…

What piece of conversation breaks the ice at a party for you?  Are you, like me, always at a loss for words?  Do the words that come to mind seem stale, bland, mediocre?

My latest set of pabulum is really poor:

  • So what do you do for a living?
  • Have you taken any interesting trips lately?
  • That’s a very interesting ring, bracelet, token, marmoset that you have there; where did you get it?
  • How about them Cowboys, Canucks, Manchester Uniteds?

Introverts, of whom I am one, don’t stand a chance at most parties.  It helps if you are an introvert with a sunny disposition and a readily available laugh.  I have neither.  I am saved, if saved is the right word, by a self-deprecating black sense of humor.  Even then, the effect lasts only so long and then back to the dark corner with all the other misfits.

I envy all those alarmingly loud extroverts who gather friends around them like bees to a beehive.  They walk into a room and the lights go up like the curtain rising at a Broadway show.  Groups of admirers cannot wait to gather around them and start saying whatever it is that groups who gather around extroverts say.  I stand on the sidelines like those pimply faced shy teenagers at a high-school dance and drool admiringly at the beautiful young girls wrapped around the arms of the tanned, self-assured athletes.

Oh, yeah…

So a horse walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender gives him the drink and says “That’ll be fifteen dollars.”  The horse pays the bartender and the two of them stand at the bar talking.  The bartender says “You know, we don’t get many horses in this bar.”  To which the horse replies “Not at those prices.”

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39 responses to “So a Horse Walks into a Bar…

  1. I overcame this in a simple and easy way–I stopped leaving the house for a number of years. This not only kept me from having to worry about conversations, but, later, when I did leave on occasion, and someone asked what I’d been up to, I could honestly say, “Nothing. What about you?”

  2. I’m not an introvert, but far from the life of the party. Nonetheless, this is still a good reminder for all. Now about that horse … Did they order a horse neck or a mint julep?

  3. Hey, at least you go to parties!

    I used to bring talking point cards with me when we visited the in-laws. I found their extended family intimidating in both numbers and cultural differences. The list of things we don’t have in common is much longer than the things we did, hence the necessity of the index card list. I would write things on it such as:
    – Jigsaw puzzles — what’s the biggest one you’ve done?
    – Give me a good recipe that uses apples. Yes, I’m listening.
    – The best route from anywhere in the Midwest to Grand Island, Nebraska. (a popular topic!)
    – Cole slaw or potato salad — if you had to choose only one for a barbecue?
    – Why Walmart is bad (also a popular topic).
    – Politics. That way, everyone will eventually decide to call it a night.

    The other good thing about the index card is that you can pretend you’re a TV talk show host interviewing some famous celebrities.

  4. A buzzard checks in for his flight at the airport, clutching a dead possum. The airline clerk says, “Would you like to check that?”
    The buzzard replies, “No thanks, it’s carrion.”

  5. My wife is introverted, when we leave a party, usually the host will say something like “try not to talk so much next time.” And she never gets it.

    Oh well, “two guys get on a bus, one is carrying an alligator, and he says to the other guy …………”

    DS

  6. I always thought I was the standing-uncomfortably-in-the-corner person. Until this evening. Went to a function and was asked by someone to sit at her table because age needs a laugh. Oh great. I’m the funny one!

  7. Acquiring a marmoset immediately.

  8. I can only imagine the size of the drink, and that horse probably wanted top shelf, too.

  9. You’ve described what it’s like to live with Le Clown. For clarification, he’s extroverted, I’m not. It’s like watching people get glamoured a la True Blood. Or, if you don’t watch vampire porn, it’s akin to seeing a rock star in public. People fall all over themselves to be near him. Me, I just stay back and silently mock because I am a jerk.

  10. As a fellow introvert I know what you mean. The key is to quit playing their game of “fitting in” because we suck at it. Make up your own game and don’t tell anyone they are playing it. Then have fun playing it all night.

    Here is one of my favorites. Pick out the most ridiculous looking guy and give him a name that highlights what’s ridiculous with making it deprecating. Say the male is wearing a obnoxious red hat. So you name him “Red Hat Guy” then look for a hot woman. The game is: Get hot chick to look at Red Hat Guy. If the guy is to her left, approach her from the right and vice versa. Pull out the boring questions and when she looks in the direction on Red Hat Guy, move in for the kill.

    “Checking out the red hat guy are you? There is no way I can compete with that! I can tell you want him bad. Well if you strike out with red hat guy, my names Will Smith. See ya around.”

    You WIN!

    Then move on to the next woman.

    It beats sitting in the corner.

  11. Breath of fresh air. Thanks for your snarkiness, it’s delightful.

  12. You’re preaching to the choir on this one. I know just what you mean–which is why I don’t go to parties. 🙂

    It’s funny to see this post today, because this morning, I went to a meet and greet at my son’s school. All of the teachers who said he needs to speak out more (he’s very introverted and reserved) are clearly extroverts, and those who said his participation is fine are clearly introverts. If only those enviable extroverts could better understand our natures. But at least I decided I could get an upcoming blog post out of it. 🙂

  13. How about them Manchester Uniteds, gave me a good laugh, CaL.
    I’m like you, I tend to stay on the sidelines and make awkward chit chat with the misfits. I do like to laugh, though. I’m a great audience, so I’ve been told. I’ve always been drawn to those with a self-deprecating, black sense of humor. So I guess it’s just a matter of time before we run into each other at the next soiree? (that was an example of something awkward I might say.)
    By the way, the horse at the bar, very funny.

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