We’re Here to Help

Why do people always want to help you when you don’t ask for their help?  Is it some deep-seated desire to ruin you day?  Or just the unquenchable need to show superiority?  Or, best of all, the requisite necessity to aggravate you when you are not asking for assistance?

I have two close friends – Dave and Kevin – who between them provide me all the technical assistance I could ever need.  These two are the supreme handymen.  If you read or watched Apollo 13, you remember that there is a set of scenes where the NASA technicians have to devise a way for the Apollo astronauts to mend their broken space capsule with an assortment of mismatched items from the capsule and the technicians find a way to do it.  Dave or Kevin could do it and still have time left over to repair any fixture in your house.  In fact, I am convinced that they could create a nuclear device from everyday utensils found in your kitchen or perform any automobile repair equipped with only a ball of yarn and a BIC pen.

To everyone else, no assistance is requested.

On several occasions in my very checkered career, I had to pick up and drive colleagues from the airport or train station to a meeting.  Not only did I get unwanted advice about my car, I got piss-me-off advice.  On one occasion, the colleague noticed the make and model of my car and started to explain, for the next forty-five minutes as I was driving him to his destination, how this particular model was the most overrated and worthless car imaginable.  Hey buddy, I’m right next to you driving that worthless model!  What a butt-plug, aggravating fish-brain.  It was all I could do not to stop the car, make him get out and tell him that he should wait for a more fairly valued and worthwhile vehicle to drive him to his destination.

On another occasion, I had just gotten a newly leased car with which I was not overly pleased but which served its purpose.  While driving a colleague to a sales call, he started to fiddle with one of the air vents.  He wasn’t adjusting it; he was trying to find out why it was making a small vibrating noise.  I asked him repeatedly to stop but not before he managed to break the vent entirely.  Damn knuckle-dragging moron.  It did seem to quell his interest and he at least broke nothing else on our trip.

This “help” isn’t limited to automobiles.  Computers, tablets, cell phones and all other electrical equipment are fair game.  If you have the slightest issue with any of these, there is someone – same type of useless but meddling colleague – who has all the answers.  When your electrical device responds to the colleague’s unwanted commands by signaling that it is terminally ill and moving on to Electronics Heaven, your colleague says something like “Gee, it never did that for me before” and rapidly disappears down the hall, leaving you with the metaphoric middle finger of life – thank you for that phrase, LameAdventures – and the funeral arrangements for your now-deceased apparatus.

So, unless you are my buddies Dave or Kevin, please, you are NOT here to help!

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28 responses to “We’re Here to Help

  1. I just googled “butt-plug, aggravating fish-brain” … and this post is the only hit. Impressive.

  2. My husband is an electronic engineer and he’s spent his entire life working with computers. If he gets within three feet of my computer, I bark, “DON’T TOUCH IT!”

    I’m a geek with trust issues, and I kickbox. Don’t mess with my stuff.

  3. I know exactly the type of person you’re talking about. If I’m in the right kind of situation with that chucklehead I simply bark in my most pissed off voice, “It’s fine. Leave it alone! I mean it!” If they know what’s good for them, they shut up and back off. Fast. If I’m in the wrong type of situation such as the work-place environment, I’m screwed. It sounds like that’s what happened to you when that gasbag ingrate tore into your car. That guy sounded like a world class jerk. Thanks for the mention — I completely forgot I wrote that!

  4. But if you ask…then what?

  5. I’m always amazed at the unsolicited advice people offer. And it doesn’t end with material things. Well-meaning (maybe…) individuals also like to advise on marriage, parenting, childbirth, cooking, etc., etc. It’s best to have a built-in volume reducer for these folks.

  6. I think this is something that men deal with a lot more than women. At least in terms of unsolicited advice about cars and electronics. Chicks will tell you how you could have made your soup better, or how you might have improved the outfit you’re wearing, or what might have made your living room decor nicer. But no matter who’s offering the unasked-for advice, they can suck it.

  7. Can I make a plea for the helpers? I am one of those cretins. my favourite phrase is ..”..what you ought to do is…..” I can’t resist it. Now I have matured I temper that with my second favourite phrase..”I didn’t get where I am today by being right…”

  8. I love helpful people. They are the highlight of my day. It’s always a pleasure to help them out the door.

  9. “What a butt-plug, aggravating fish-brain.”–this is now my go to insult.

  10. Love the Drive-in Movie Theater photo! And, of course, your sentiments about not wanting help that ends up creating more problems.

  11. This seems like a blatant cry for help if you ask me. Hang on, I’ll be right over….. 😉

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