Elderporn

What is the fascination that people have for old folks having sex?  Group sex at retirement communities was a recent highlight (or lowlight, depending upon your view) but sex among seniors seems to be a hot topic in general.  Thus, thanks to Jen and Tonic’s hilarious post, we have Metamucil moments, diapered booty calls and new uses for Polygrip.  Speaker7’s funny post added the delightful image of the elderly and genital warts.

A television station in Florida reported a number of years ago that sexually transmitted diseases among seniors were widespread at a Central Florida retirement community called The Villages.  The outbreak was blamed on Viagra, a lack of sex education, and no pregnancy risk.  It also led to jokes about “wrinkle swapping, overnight golf cart key-trade parties, and that perennial favorite spin the pill bottle and see who you go home with. (bring your glasses.)”

Since everyone has tons of chuckles thinking about grandpa and grandma getting it on, it’s only a matter of time before the vapid minds behind the motion picture industry get involved and decide to update some X rated pornographic classics with a more mature cast and some unintended consequences.  Your humble author suggests a few updates to the raunchy geriatric screen:

Title Synopsis
Behind the   (Moldy) Green Door What are Fred and Ethyl really doing behind the green door of room 3C?  There have been lots of grunts and groans but now it’s eerily silent and starting to smell.
Gag Factor In this sequel, the emergency squad technicians find out what is really behind the green door!
Deep Throat   (Endoscopy) Mabel’s cough sends her to Dr. Rick, her gastroenterologist, for an endoscopy.  Dr. Rick gets more than he bargained for when he looks down Mabel’s throat!
Breast Stroke Paramedics fight for old man Walter’s life after busty Nurse Rebecca’s uniform has a wardrobe malfunction while trying to help Walter adjust his pacemaker.
Face Dance   Obsession Dirty Werner experiences great discomfort when he asks petite blonde Jamie to dance on his face and gets 415 pound Wanda instead.
Eighty One and   Nasty Sixty three years after Eighteen and Nasty, our heroine reappears at the Hillside Rest Home.
Flesh Gordon Flash has become Jupiter instead of Mars but he still sends the girls at the retirement home into orbit.
Nasty Romances Eighty One and Nasty meets Flesh Gordon.  Nasty!
Granny Does Dallas After getting lost in Dallas’ largest strip-mall with no money, granny offers startled shopkeepers other ways to pay for her purchases.
Lust at First Bite An elderly vampire has a romp at the old folks’ home but keeps losing his dentures in his victims’ necks.
Pick Up Lines 44 If only George could remember the pickup line he used last night  …or in the last ten minutes.
Young Ripe Melons Spotting some ripe melons at the lunch counter in the senior center makes Homer and Elmer reminisce about their adventurous youth until they fall asleep face-down in their   mashed potatoes.
Stop! My Ass is on Fire! Love makes a burning impression on Harold when, in his exuberance, he accidentally sits on a can of lit Sterno.
Younger Than Me Yes, gramps, that’s basically everyone here and no, I’m not interested.

We may also see the remake of modern classics with an elderly theme:

Title Synopsis
The Inseminator After successful stints as TheTeminator and The Governator, Arnold reinvigorates his screen presence as The Inseminator.**  [This may also become a documentary.]
A Few Good Men What does granny really want? Jack Nicholson and a few good men.  [This may also be a horror flick.]

———————————————————————————————————————-

**Thirty years after playing Conan the Barbarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 65, has agreed to return in a sequel called “Conan, the Legend.”  Art imitates life.

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21 responses to “Elderporn

  1. Curmudgeon,
    How have I missed your brilliantly funny blog?
    I see I have some catching up to do, thank you for visiting today.
    Red

  2. Arnold is a fitting climax to this post.

  3. Based on your avatar, CAL, you’re quite a sexy older hotpiece yourself.

  4. The Inseminator sounds like a horror movie. Thanks for the link!

  5. Benny Hill is reading this post and smiling right now.

  6. How about: “American Bran?” Middle-aged guys visiting their folks in the nursing home get the hits for Stifler’s mom, who at 89 is as frisky as ever.

  7. Eeeuuugh! As a prospective geriatric myself I urge all seniors to cease desist and FFS grow up! Enough already! What is the matter with these people that they constantly have to ape the young … young people that is … not young apes.
    Sorry, Cur old bean, but the thought of this just curdles my Sunday morning porridge …

  8. Wow, think of the opportunities! There’ll be no such thing as a Hollywood has-been anymore. Wasn’t it Heinlein who wrote about a future where senior citizens were sex icons? I can’t remember – must go browse my sci-fi shelf again.

  9. Hm, “legendary” porn stars Georgina Spelvin and Harry Reems are still around. If they starred in any of your updated ideas for sequels, there would probably be an audience for this. Writer-director Gerard Damino’s bought his rainbow so maybe you can be the guy writing the script on the back of some Dulcolex packaging as well as the wizard behind the (video)camera.

  10. I’ve been approached, recently, by two elderly men, one 75, the other 81. I’m serious. Imagine my horror. I think they must be leaving the retirement homes and looking for fresh meat– sort of like Zombies. 🙂

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