Search Terms, Schmerch Terms

A while ago, I came up with the idea of a mad-lib contest based solely upon your blog’s search terms.  Little did I know where this would lead me.

I began to wonder what search terms other bloggers used to get to mine.  Thanks to WordPress’ statistics on search engine words and phrases, I was able to look at my all-time list of search terms.  The top five separated themselves quite cleanly from the rest.  In reverse order, they are:

5.  Unusual cars.  I posted an article with photographs of weird and unusual cars from the early 20th century.

4.  Victorian letter writing.  I created an imaginary letter from a Victorian gentleman, in the fashion of Jane Austen, apologizing for a written affront.

3.  Trebuchet.  A trebuchet is a siege engine that was employed in the middle ages.  Every curmudgeon needs one.

2.  Curmudgeon at Large.  Well, it’s who I am.  I did write, as my very first post, a credo of my objectives.

And the winner, the top of the list, the ne plus ultra, The Donald Trump of wonders, the idol finalist, the biggest loser…   Oh, you get the idea…

Drum roll please:

1.   Sex with animals.

Yes, I know.  People, this is sick.  Animals, this is sick.  Aliens, this is sick.

I wrote a post entitled According to Recent Studies which included a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that stated that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.  How could I have imagined that this post would generate the number one search term of my first year of blogging?

It overwhelmed anal probing, condoms for wild horses, lizard aliens, smash alarm clock and ‘we hate dumpster brokers’ among others.

What does this say about the depraved, immoral, ungodly, disgusting, perverted society in which we live that sex with animals is the number one topic on peoples’ minds?

Is this not wacko and insane?

Are we so degenerate and dissolute that intercourse with animals is our strongest interest?

Have we not already joined the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah?

So, what’s your very favorite sex with animals experience?


By the way, sick – I mean sixth – place was a tie among Tropical heat, Suntan on a beach and Origami turkey.

23 thoughts on “Search Terms, Schmerch Terms

  1. I’ll have to get back to you on my own animal sex stories some time. I find it rather comforting that your blog has helped sustain the belief that the internet is mostly for porn. Statistics never lie.

  2. Ah, the old talk about your favorite sex with animals experience question. About 25 years I recall getting massively drunk at a dinner party. I vomited voluminously, passed out and the next morning woke naked in my then-partner’s bed in the arms of her Australian shepherd, Jake. Fortunately no litters resulted (or, resluted) from that coupling. What a relief that she didn’t have a pet horse.

        • Professor Curmudgeon, acting as if he knows what he is doing, will guide you. Along the top of your blog is a toolbar with the WordPress logo to the left of your blog’s name. When you place your pointer on the logo, the fourth item down says “Stats.” Double click on that item and you will see a new page of statistics about your site. In the left columns, halfway down, is one entitled “Search Engine Terms.” Clicking on “summaries” shows the search terms and numbers for your blog.

  3. Hank’s still stuck on the “sad bee flying over the sea.”AAArgh! What can be done to help this bee? It certainly WILL NOT be a shark with spider legs.

  4. Eurythmics’ song Sweet Dreams says that “everybody’s looking for something.”
    Who knew that something was “sharks with spider legs” or “the artist that painted a Labrador asleep on a pile of toilet paper” or “origami turkey?”

  5. Once again, you’re reading Hank’s mind. You sick, sick, man.

    Actually, Hank was thinking the same thing when looking over his stats (handsome, 91 year-old strawberry blonde with something of the Robert Redford about him, still has own hair/teeth, likes long walks along the beach, surfing, food…) on WP. He found that the overwhelming majority of search terms used to find him amount to some variation of “Tom Hardy’s Teeth”. Bad teeth, new teeth, crazy teeth, what’s up with his teeth, etc.

    People all over the world are very concerned with Tom Hardy’s teeth. Really, really concerned. Who knew? Should Lloyd’s be notified?

    Some other notable searches:

    – “sad bee flying over the sea” (Oh, the heartbreak!)

    – “how to amuse people with squerls” (AHAHAHAHAHA!)

    – “cairn terriers & males that woo woo” (Heck yeah)

    – “old license plates that say if you don’t like hank williams you can kiss my ass” (Seems like a lot to put on a license plate, however true it may be)

    – “sharks with spider legs” (Good GOD!)

    – “funny trembling legs pictures” (Must be the shark person)

    – “who is the artist that painted a laborador asleep on a pile of toliet paper that rolled off the holder?” (Indeed)

    The big question in Hank’s mind is how many of those searchers joined his blog. Did they find what they were looking for? Is that good? Is that concerning? Hank’s a male who woo woos, but he’s not sure if that’s a sharing thing. Hmm.

    Hey, origami turkey. Love that stuff.

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