Stuff Happens!

I have stuff.

The stuff is everywhere.  It grows in closets, shelves, drawers, along bookcases, in the attic, the basement, the utility room.  I have books, tax forms, collectibles, old photographs, old phonographs, Rose Canton china, pottery, pictures, magazines, schoolbooks.  I have wine bottles, half completed kits of medieval instruments and trains and Wright Brothers’ flyers.  While there are no bean bag babies or Barbie dolls or model cars or Coke Cola paraphernalia, there are Hummel figurines (from my mother), old salt shakers, Stieff Rose pattern silver, antique tiles and old decoys.  The list goes on and on.

Where did all this stuff come from?  I secretly believe that, while I’m sleeping, some stuff copulates with other stuff and produces even more stuff.  I have not yet gotten to the point of an extreme hoarder.  Not yet.  You can enter my house and believe that you have entered the home of a normal person with normal tastes.  You do not have to climb over anything to get from one room to another.  However, if you hazard the chance to open a drawer or veer into a back room or the space above the garage, then a whole new and abnormal world awaits you.

There are Christmas ornaments, stained glass windows, trebuchets, Chinese roof tiles, Mongolian entry doors (Was I ever in Mongolia?), antique Roman glass and whiskey barrels.  I have my notes from college courses.  You never know when someone will quiz you on whether or not you really passed that exam in Inorganic Chemistry and, voilà, you produce your college notes to show that, yes indeed, you aced the course.  I am prepared to defend myself with supporting documentation against the Internal Revenue Service in case they ever dare to question me about the$2,342 (USD) I made in 1972!

Logic dictates that there is no need for old suitcases whose rollers no longer roll or traveling alarm clocks that run 30 minutes slow every 24 hours.  You don’t need a Jolly Rodger flag or one from the last Tsar or the Detroit Yacht Club.  On the other hand, who knows when a pirate or a pretender to the throne or the Commodore may appear suddenly at your door and, there you are, with no flag to run up the flag pole, which you also keep.

There is every reason to believe that you need a battering ram (from the Baltimore, Maryland police department, no less), brass knuckles, 18th century scales (from Poland), seven different types of wine bottle openers, Rummer glasses, shark jaws, a blow fish, a cannonball from the shipwreck of the Atocha, sundials, an antique Egyptian eye of Horus, a picture of the Enola Gay, antique easels (to hold antique manuscript pages), an English copper ash sifter, a miniaturized still, Japanese prints, antique embroideries, not to mention a full size Fairbanks grain scale in case you need to measure out two or three hundred pounds of grain.

Oh, to start over again in a simpler life, with nothing more than the clothes you’re wearing, a knapsack and your toothbrush.

Of course, then you need a few reference books (or your kindle), your PC (or your iPad), your cell phone, your HD TV, your home theater, your hiking gear, your scuba equipment, your opera glasses, eating utensils, night vision goggles, snake bite kit, a bazooka, emergency rations …

Advertisements

16 responses to “Stuff Happens!

  1. Every home needs a trebuchet. My home needs a trebuchet – may I have yours?

  2. I hope your stuff brings great fun and pleasure as you sift through and wonder how and why you ever collected it all. It must have seemed like a good idea at the time. And what would you do with all those empty spaces if you didn’t have stuff to make it all feel so homey?

    • 1) It seemed like a good idea at the time and there are just too many good items to get rid of any of them.

      2) To paraphrase Parkinson’s law that “work expands so as to fill the time available,” stuff expands to fill the space available.

  3. Wow, you have a lot of cool stuff. Let me know when you’re having a garage sale and I’ll be right over!

  4. I want the trebuchet… and my husband his his college stuff – It makes me CRAZY…

  5. I have a feeling I’d enjoy your collections of stuff. I love things like that. It’s like the wacky cool stuff you find on eBay. Also, I too have a trebuchet.

  6. Years ago as a new widow I packed the back of my small Fiat hatchback with clothes, laptop, a few bits and pieces and the cat in his box and set off to live at the other end of the country next to the sea.
    I can tell you now I have never felt as free as I did then. I had a wonderful year of freedom … and then I got a new bloke and started collecting stuff again. Hey ho …

  7. If you buy one, or perhaps two more houses, you will have lots of room for your stuff. A cabin is particularly good because when you sell the cabin, people just expect you will leave all the stuff in it – makes down sizing very easy.

  8. Is that where I left my grain scale? Damn. I’ve been looking all over for that.

Leave a Reply But Wipe Your Feet First

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s