Mark Twain said that nothing needs improving so much as other peoples’ habits. I’m tired of hearing about how to live my life and ways to improve it. I am inundated with advice on radio and TV (Dr. Phil and his ilk) from experts who have nothing better to do but tell me how to enhance my life experience. I swear that you can get better suggestions from a deck of Tarot cards or a Chinese fortune cookie. If I want advice, I’ll ask myself for it. So I did and created my own radio show: Advice for the Disagreeable – Ask Dr. Cur.
“Welcome to the Dr. Cur show where we give advice for the disagreeable from the disagreeable. If you are foolish enough to take our advice, then we are foolish enough to give it to you. And now here’s our first caller.”
Caller #1: None of the girls at school or work will go out with me. What’s wrong?
Dr. Cur: They’re not your type. They’re not inflatable.
Caller #2: All my friends say that I have the personality of wet cardboard and that I am a loser. What do you think, Dr. Cur?
Dr. Cur: I’ll go with the majority. They’re right.
Caller #3: I may not have the talent of others but I think, with enough hard work and persistence, I can grow up to be somebody.
Dr. Cur: You can. You just need to be more specific.
Caller #4: Today, on the ground, I found a four-leaf clover, a rabbit’s foot and a penny. What does this mean? Is this my lucky day?
Dr. Cur: It means that you have greatly increased your chances of getting a communicable disease.
Caller #5: Why are the police arresting me? I didn’t beat my wife; ghosts did it.1
Dr. Cur: The police are also ghosts.
1From newsoxy, January 24, 2012: A Wisconsin man was arrested for domestic violence but he told police that a ghost beat his wife over financial problems and that he had nothing to do with it.
“And now here’s a word from our sponsor, Dr. Cur’s Chinese Misfortune Cookies©. Stop accepting those ridiculous platitudes on all other fortune cookies. Accept life for what it is. Here are a few samples:
- Today will turn out to be boring; so will tomorrow.
- You or someone you know must cut back on sugar or salt.
- At least two days this week will be a waste.
- It is better to be rich, strong and handsome than to be poor, weak and ugly.
- Give everyone at your office a break; sleep in tomorrow.
- The food at this restaurant is overpriced and mediocre.
- Al’s Mortgage. Lowest rates in town. Guaranteed. Call 1-800-LOWRATES.
- The person who made this cookie did not wash his hands.
Well, that’s it for today but tune in tomorrow when we will discuss how to dress for disagreement. And remember, stay disagreeable.”
Note to readers: Feel free to add you own Chinese Misfortune Cookie© saying.
I’ve had some Chinese Misfortune that didn’t come from inside a cookie, however, Its much too late if you open a fortune that says:
“Avoid the Kung Pau Chicken”
…but you could have one that says:
“If you’ve eaten the Kung Pao chicken, it’s too late.”
Your deck of cards will laugh at your poker face.
Sadly, how true. My poker face sucks.
Wild applause! I will be tuning in every week, Dr. Cur! Also, I never noticed how closely you resemble Mark Twain. But the look definitely fits my impression of you.
Mark Twain was (and is) a hero of mine so thanks for the compliment.
Have you been to Hannibal? I don’t know how far that is from you, but if you haven’t been, it’s just touristy enough for a good curmudgeon such as yourself. 🙂
I haven’t been but I need to go.
Dr. Cur is brilliant.
Shit happens – so embrace it for a warm feeling.
Brilliant but impoverished.
I add that it is Dr. Cur, not the saying, that is impoverished.
Finally, advice I can use. I have offered this kind of advice myself on occasion, but I find it makes me deeply unpopular.
Wrap it in a misfortune cookie and see what happens.
Misfortune: “Good News: The pants do not make you look fat. Bad News: The fat makes you look fat.”
A direct misfortune cookie saying. I like that.
‘Accept excessive nose hair … it comes as a free extra with the wisdom of age’.
Hmmm, don’t give up the day job, Dr. Cur.
..but this IS my day job!
“You will receive a vicious paper cut this week. In 3… 2… 1…”
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
I have a feeling I’ll have no problem staying disagreeable today 😉
As they say in the trade, harrumph!
Dr. Cur needs his own TV show. I’d watch it. But I wouldn’t call into it…
Both thoughts are good ones.