Curmudgeon-at-Large Cookbook (CALC)

Selections from my upcoming cookbook:

Heart-attack Free Dinner

I recently read an article called “Make yourself heart attack proof:  Eat to Your Heart’s Content.”  The article went on to say that the “single most important step you can take for heart health starts with what you put on your plate.”  It then listed nine food items that will help you in preventing a heart attack.  Here is the list:

  1. Oranges (reduce blood pressure, cholesterol and heart failure)
  2. Kale (reduces atherosclerosis)
  3. Garlic (reduces blood pressure and plaque)
  4.  Red wine (boosts HDL, reduces unwanted clotting)
  5. Dark chocolate (reduces blood pressure)
  6. Sardines (lower triglycerides, raise HDL)
  7. Lentils (reduce blood pressure)
  8. Almonds (reduce LDL)
  9. Pomegranates (reduce atherosclerosis)

I figured that, if these items individually can reduce the chance of heart attacks, then collectively they should eradicate the possibility altogether.  With your health in mind, and a great desire to emphasize red wine, I have compiled the “heart attack free dinner.”

Start with a salad of oranges, kale and garlic.  Follow with lentil, almond and pomegranate soup.  The main entrée consists of sardines and dark chocolate.  There should be red wine in abundance throughout.

Live to be a hundred!

Spice up your life!

You can spice up any boring meal with the simple addition of a good, molten hot sauce.  Your cereal, pancakes, peanut butter sandwiches, pasta or chicken noodle soup will never be the same.  Don’t ease in with jalapeno, tabasco or cayenne; Go directly to the nuclear option – habanero.  Here are a few choice selections, all from Pendery’s Spices:

  • Colon Cleaner
  • Hemorrhoid Helper
  • Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
  • Liquid Napalm
  • Rectum Ripper

And my two personal favoites:

  • Jump Into an Open Grave
  • Weapons of Ass Destruction.

Whatever other ills you have will be forgotten once you finish a meal with one of these hot sauces and your insides approach temperatures found on the surface of Mercury.

Show your stomach who’s boss!

And, finally, the pièce de résistance …

Scotch and Doughnuts

  • 1 bottle single malt scotch
  • 1 dozen doughnuts
  • At least 1 friend

I can think of no finer way to start a weekend than good scotch, good doughnuts and the company of good friends.  I was once an auxiliary member of an organization dubbed the Scotch and Doughnut Society.  Each weekend, they gathered together around 8 or 9 am with the above ingredients and spent a blissful and mindless Saturday reminiscing about God knows what.  [The doughnuts should be fresh.]

Next time, I will give you my recipe for Chicken Chernobyl, an updated version of Chicken Kiev.  First, heat the chicken to two million degrees …

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19 responses to “Curmudgeon-at-Large Cookbook (CALC)

  1. davidbgoldstein

    I tried your suggestion and started with the
    “Scotch and Doughnuts” – after perfecting this the garlic flavored wine and the chocolate covered sardines weren’t so bad.

  2. Pingback: Contemplating Sardines | As iAge

  3. This weekend I’m going to put everything listed in this post into a blender and drink it. By Monday morning all bad things will have been flushed out of my body. I’ll be a new man.

  4. I hear that in certain cultures, Hemorrhoid Helper and Rectum Ripper are weapons of ass destruction.

  5. I like your dinner suggestion – uncomplicated and easy to remember.

    Is it okay to change things up a bit now and then? I would suggest using the sardines in the salad, as I expect sardines and garlic go together quite well. Then I would make the main course oranges and dark chocolate.

    I found this website dedicated to the appreciation of the tinned Sardine:
    http://www.sardinesociety.com/

  6. You’ll be happy to know that this post is the only result in the Google results search for Scotch and Doughnut Society.”

  7. I think you’re definitely onto something here. But you might want to avoid the ‘Rectum Ripper.’ That has post-meal colonoscopy written all over it…

  8. I’ll accept everything but the peppers…and double on the chocolate and single malt whiskey, although not in the same glass.

  9. hahahah! I think I could use some, “Kiss your Ass Goodbye” you know, before bathing suit season is upon us. If that doesn’t do the trick I’ll follow your lead and drink an entire bottle of, “Weapons of Ass Destruction.” Hopefully, any cellulite I might have will get eliminated in the process.

    The Scotch and Doughnuts recipe sounds tempting. Let me know when you plan your next soirée and I’ll bring the Doughnuts — at least the doughnut holes.

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