A number of people have asked me “How, exactly, do you become a curmudgeon?” Actually, no one asked me that but I’m sure a few have thought about it and a few more have even hinted at it. I’m here to set the record straight.
A curmudgeon is defined as a crusty, ill-tempered old man. While generally male, a curmudgeon graces both sexes (think Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Dorothy Parker and Paula Poundstone). I am one and, with counseling, you can be one too. (If not, then you’ll just need counseling.)
What, you may ask, is the value of being a curmudgeon?
- You never have to smile in public;
- No one will expect you to smile in public;
- You can redefine “pursuit of happiness;”
- You expect nothing and are never disappointed.
So how, exactly do you become a curmudgeon? While there is no set formula, there are clues.
For example, did you look like this a child?
Do you look like this as an adult?
When a clerk in a store or a greeter at a convention says to you “Have a nice day,” how do you respond?
- “Why, thank you very much.”
- “You’re so welcome and I hope you have one, too.”
- “I’m sorry, I have other plans.”
When an important looking person approaches you and says “Do you know who I am?” you respond by saying:
- “I am so sorry that I did not recognize you.”
- “Excuse my ignorance.”
- “You don’t know who you are? Have you lost your memory?”
You regard children and small animals as:
- A sign of God’s love;
- Precious items to be protected and cherished;
Which activity should be added as an Olympic sport?
- Poisoning pigeons.
What do you do if you pee when you jump up and down?
- Resolve to exercise harder and ignore the issue;
- Go immediately to the doctor to find the source of the problem;
- Stop jumping up and down.
What slogan would you choose to put on a tee shirt?
- Enjoy life;
- I ♥ my dog;
- member National Sarcasm Society; like we need your help.
If you look like the people in the pictures and answered every question with “C,” then you may be on the road to being a curmudgeon. If not, then you may be on the yellow brick road.
Oh, and have a nice day! As you already know, I have other plans.
I think I have a curmug… curmudgon… curmudgeonly attitude, but the spelling of the word is a problem for me. I think I will have to try being something else.
Not being a curmudgeon is not a bad thing.
you are precious! I am not a curmudgeon yet, but I will work on it!
Thanks for the comment. As a warning, being a curmudgeon has its drawbacks.
I will continue reading your blog and find out
Totally agree with you on the pigeons.
They appear so innocent until they bombard your car or your clothes.
A most worthy post, but please don’t be offended if I said anything positive about you.
Not to worry.
I aspire to being a fully-fledged curmudgeon … or is that curmudgeonette (being a mad old bat) but sadly I seem to be failing by your criteria. I am not worthy!
But I am tenacious and will keep trying keeping your guidelines in the forefront of my mind … Hoping to join the curmudgeonisti soon … going to practise my grumpiness now … gerroutamyway!
Grumpiness is an acquired taste, like single malt scotch and poppy seed rolls.
I did fine on your quiz except for the question about children. They’re not unnecessary at all – I love children! Medium-rare; with a side of fries.
I’m searching frantically for the rim shot.
I’m glad you cleared this up. I’ve always suspected that I have a crusty, ill tempered man inside of me, and now it’s confirmed.
There’s no known cure.
I answered C to all of them, except the one with the person asking, “Do you know who I am?” My response would be, “Why the F should I care?”
I have met some people who deserve exactly that response.
Does this guy qualify?
There were no ‘C’ answers in your survey. Of course, there were no ‘A’ or ‘B’ answers, either–or am I splitting hairs?
I did take the above survey, and, had a variety of answers, so, I think I qualify as a Curmud. Eventually, and with a little work, I’m sure I’ll eventually succeed in achieving the full on Curmudgeon status.
You are absolutely right; you caught me in ‘editing hell.’
Qualifying as a ‘Curmud’ is only the first step; it’s that last ‘geon’ that gets tricky.
Oh, but this post is great in its awesomeness. I plan to share it with a curmudgeon I already know; maybe he would have more tips for me in my journey toward curmudgeonness.
I’m sure that there are times that your children are ready to mark you as a curmudgeon (and you know my opinion of children).
If I say “piss off” to have a nice day am I curmudgeon or just an ass?
I’d say that it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on so I lean towards curmudgeon.
I kiss you on the top of your curmudgeonly head.
Luckily for you, I decided to shower and shampoo today.
I had lip condoms on 🙂
I don’t even want to know (or think about that).
Hee hee…and now you have to…
It might look like this
So whimsical … I love the humor, sarcasm, wit and your heart. Such a character. Smiles.
To which I say “Bah, Humbug!”