A number of people have asked me “How, exactly, do you become a curmudgeon?” Actually, no one asked me that but I’m sure a few have thought about it and a few more have even hinted at it. I’m here to set the record straight.
A curmudgeon is defined as a crusty, ill-tempered old man. While generally male, a curmudgeon graces both sexes (think Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Dorothy Parker and Paula Poundstone). I am one and, with counseling, you can be one too. (If not, then you’ll just need counseling.)
What, you may ask, is the value of being a curmudgeon?
- You never have to smile in public;
- No one will expect you to smile in public;
- You can redefine “pursuit of happiness;”
- You expect nothing and are never disappointed.
So how, exactly do you become a curmudgeon? While there is no set formula, there are clues.
For example, did you look like this a child?
Do you look like this as an adult?
When a clerk in a store or a greeter at a convention says to you “Have a nice day,” how do you respond?
- “Why, thank you very much.”
- “You’re so welcome and I hope you have one, too.”
- “I’m sorry, I have other plans.”
When an important looking person approaches you and says “Do you know who I am?” you respond by saying:
- “I am so sorry that I did not recognize you.”
- “Excuse my ignorance.”
- “You don’t know who you are? Have you lost your memory?”
You regard children and small animals as:
- A sign of God’s love;
- Precious items to be protected and cherished;
Which activity should be added as an Olympic sport?
- Poisoning pigeons.
What do you do if you pee when you jump up and down?
- Resolve to exercise harder and ignore the issue;
- Go immediately to the doctor to find the source of the problem;
- Stop jumping up and down.
What slogan would you choose to put on a tee shirt?
- Enjoy life;
- I ♥ my dog;
- member National Sarcasm Society; like we need your help.
If you look like the people in the pictures and answered every question with “C,” then you may be on the road to being a curmudgeon. If not, then you may be on the yellow brick road.
Oh, and have a nice day! As you already know, I have other plans.