I really hate – dislike, am not keen on, disapprove of, cannot stand, wish it never existed, should not become its own reality show – static electricity. Winter weather, combined with cold, windy, dry conditions, make me even more curmudgeonly about this phenomenon.
I am sure that I share this dislike equally with furry creatures like cats who I would otherwise despise. Attempts to touch conductive objects – computers, light switches, metal poles – result in shocks so severe that I should by now be a prime candidate for the negative effects of shock therapy.
Just when you think it’s safe to touch that metallic surface with impunity, Mother Nature decides to give you another reason to wish that Mother Nature had never existed either. Static electricity should be confined to those old high school science experiments where girls with long hair are asked to be Guinea pigs and attach themselves to Van de Graaff generators so that their hair can stick straight out.
Static electricity could be available in the spice section of the grocery store. Need a little static? Add 1 teaspoon to a full glass of water and stir. Otherwise, I see no real need to fry the ends of my fingers every time I walk across a carpet in winter and reach for a metallic doorknob. Zot!! What’s the point, other than to get me all worked up?
At these moments I revive my inner Ezra Pound and say:Winter is icumen in, Lhude sing Goddamm, Raineth drop and staineth slop, And how the wind doth ramm! Sing: Goddamm. Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us, An ague hath my ham. Freezeth river, turneth liver, Damm you; Sing: Goddamm. Goddamm, Goddamm, ’tis why I am, Goddamm, So ‘gainst the winter’s balm. Sing goddamm, damm, sing goddamm, Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMM
Winter is NOT supposed to be icumen in or astayin in; it’s supposed to be agoin out!
C’mon spring and summer, let’s get to those hot, hazy, humid days so I can complain about that.
The only good use for static electricity is when you have two blankets rolled up together and it’s dark. When you pull them apart, the lightning show is fabulous… until one of the arcs zaps you. But at least you can see it coming.
Yet another reason to have Static Electricity be a staple on the grocery shelf not an uncontrolled @#$$% phenomenon.
Static electricity has taught me a weird new habit this winter. Before touching the thermostat, I now touch the metal picture frame next to it. Because twice this winter I’ve not done that and zapping the thermostat has caused it to “forget” all its programmed settings (28 in all). Grrr!
Inanimate objects – those with programmable brains – let this be a lesson to you. You can be zapped out of existence!
Unfortunately, this lesson does not apply to doorknobs and metal poles.
When you have hair as long as mine, static electricity is not your friend. Unless it’s Halloween. Then it can contribute nicely to the overall effect…
The late Don LaFontaine was a voice actor who recorded zillions of movie trailers and televison advertisements and became identified with the phrase “In a world where…”
We could use him now saying “In a world where there is NO static electricity…”
Can we throw in NO reality TV shows while we’re at it?
“In a world where there are NO reality TV shows…”
Shocking! I agree 100%. My car, my cats, my husband – I’m not touching them again until winter’s over!
So you’re not touching your husband because of static.
O-kay then. I’m sure he understands.
Well, let’s just say I approach him with extreme caution. 🙂