March 2014
General Mills, Inc.
P.O. Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440
Dear General:
I know that your company is a venerable one, in existence for the last 500 years or so, and has fed me and countless other millions of people such staples of life as Wheaties, Cheerios, Total and Yoplait. You trained us to know that Wheaties was the Breakfast of Champions™; added every flavor and color to Cheerios except rhubarb and puce and made us feel unhealthy if we didn’t jog a mile or two before eating Total or Yoplait.
So what, pray God, is this substance that I found in a recently purchased bag of Chex mix (Traditional) to which I have become addicted?
What does this look like to you?
…
…
Yes, you are correct. Turds, but saltier. An alternate theory might be meteor turds from a distant galaxy (still quite salty). Both theories do not explain how these substances got into my package of Chex mix (Traditional).
I have no idea why your quality control person was missing-in-action on the day that this batch of Chex mix (Traditional) was produced but, suffice it to say, while this bag may have “60% less fat than regular potato chips” (your words), it has “100% more turd-like lumps than potato chips” (my words). Presumably, your quality control process has not confused potato chips with buffalo chips.
Here I am, mindlessly sitting in front of the cable TV watching an episode of some inane series like Duck Dynasty or Jersey Shore, happily munching away, when I am overcome with revulsion from chomping down on one of these brown beauties. I might as well have been eating a salt lick. The bag from which I was consuming this inedible stuff should have said Chex licks instead of Chex mix. The fact that these lumps were the color of excrement did not add to my gustatory experience.
You advertise on the bag “Earn cash for your school!” How? By getting kids to accumulate Chex mix turds and turning them in for high Phosphorus content returnables at the local dump? By leaving them on the living room carpet and getting unsuspecting parents to pay extra cash to the kids while they re-potty train the innocent house dog or cat? By saving them up and using them in place of road salt on snowy winter days? By selling them at rock and gem shows as “meteor shit?”
General, I have been a faithful patron of your company for the last couple hundred years and I am not about to give up now but I am having serious doubts. Finding these lumps in my Chex mix (Traditional) package makes me think that you should hire Tom Hanks and have him reconstitute his Forrest Gump role advertising Chex mix (Traditional) with the slogan:
“Life’s like a package of Chex mix; You never know what crap you’re gonna get.”
Please, let an old man enjoy his snacks without the trepidation of consuming indigestible brown blobs. Total is supposed to have “100 percent of the daily value of 12 essential vitamins and minerals.” Manure is not one of those. Cheerios cereal provides “1 gram of soluble fiber per serving.” Road roses are not considered soluble fiber. Wake up and fire that quality control guy and hire a new one who will keep salty meteor shit lumps out of my Chex mix (Traditional).
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Curmudgeon-at-Large
Curmudgeon at Large 
I once bought a box of Rice-A-Roni (the San Francisco Treat!!). I’d bought the product because I’d never been to SF, and I wanted to experience what was so great about their Official Treat–even though, to me, a treat is more a candy bar or a cookie…not a box of rice stuff–in order to let me feel closer to those people with the Bridge.
I encountered a small pebble, which cracked my crown. I wrote them, suggesting they call their product Rock-A-Roni, the Official Side Dish of Alcatraz.
They did not accept my suggestion, however, they did send a case of the stuff to my house, as if they thought I’d eat it, considering my dental bill.
They were right, I did. Point to this long comment? You may get free bags of Chex. Mix–with or without the salty turds.
Yes, you are right.
I would like General Mills to send me a package of money but instead they would just send me more packages of Chex mix (Traditional).
If you think that was bad, you ought to try my mother-in-law’s cooking! Really nasty, no matter what it looks like.
Could your mother-in-law be the quality control manager at General Mills?
Can’t wait to see the letter about the next bag when you don’t find savory bonuses. …. and thanks for stopping by during my time away.
I always enjoy visiting your blog and I am always ready to complain.
You know the old saying (traditional) that you’ve got to eat a peck of dirt before you die…well, how’s your life insurance?
I believe that I am well beyond a peck – closer to a hogshead or cargo hold.
Yikes! If those are the turds, I don’t want to see the critter that made them.
I lost my desire to eat snacks directly out of the bag the day I was mindlessly munching while reading a book. Something made me look up just in time to find a large black beetle, nicely coated in ranch-flavoured goodness, just under where my groping hand had been a moment before. The beetle was deceased, but that didn’t give me a warm fuzzy about how long he might have lived in there, munching and um… excreting… before he passed on.
I don’t think I can blame that on on the manufacturer, though – I’d opened the bag while camping a few days prior. I don’t leave my munchies unattended anymore… and I don’t multi-task while eating them.
The turds may have come from alien dinosaurs for all I know.
I am told – but have no interest in finding out – that insects are rich in protein. Of course, with my inattention when eating snacks, I may soon find out.
Tears running down my face as I laugh. So sorry you had to experience such atrocities so that I could have my best belly laugh of the year! I hope someone from corporate headquarters rewards you for your efforts at unknowingly testing their new (not traditional) product.
Thank you for suggesting Chex mix (non-traditional).
Let’s see what the General has to say.
From now on I’ll be more observant when mindlessly munching while watching TV.
Munching on snacks while watching TV should not become an “eternally vigilant” situation.
Yeah, that would take the fun out of it.
Eww, now that’s nasty. You’ve just summed up why I never eat in the dark. On the other hand, this post was so funny, I’m glad you had the experience. And glad it wasn’t me…
Until now, I did not think that I needed my reading glasses when eating snacks.