Once again, I am saved by a “friend of a friend” with a whole new set of weird newspaper headlines:
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
– The Anchorage, Alaska Times
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
– The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE’S HANDS
– The Bangor, Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
– The Washington Times
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
– The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
– The New Haven, Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
– The Tallahassee, Florida Democrat
EGG ROLL INCLUDES GAY PARENTS
– The Eugene, Oregon Register-Guard
(In that case, we’ll have the won-ton soup…)
There are more but without attribution:
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE, JURY HUNG
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
DR. RUTH TALKS ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES FROM YOUR LOVED ONE
3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL – EXPERIENCE PREFERRED
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI
Did I read that right?
My favourite was the drunk who got nine years in the violin case. I guess you’d have to say he was in a tight spot.
I wonder if he sang off key?
…or was a bit strung out.
I can’t decide what job would be more fun–creating sneaky headlines or naming streets. One day, I’ll have a house on Walk This Way.
The best street sign I’ve seen is one called Temporary Road which is, of course, on a permanent street.
Okay, no getting around it. No matter how mature or sophisticated one is, the following is funny: “IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?”
Perhaps great minds occupy the same gutters?
Yes, I believe they do.
Some of these would be downright horrifying if they weren’t so funny. It always makes me wonder whether editors and proofreaders either have no sense of humour at all so they can’t identify the double entendre… or a truly twisted sense of humour that sniggers and chortles and bellows, “Publish!”…
I believe that editors and proofreaders have a sense of humor and, on occasion, let a weird headline slip through.
Another excellent collection.
BTW, in my weekly Satire Bits, your suggestion in now the standard! http://afrankangle.wordpress.com/2014/04/29/on-satire-bits-vol-92/
I am pleased to have given you that standard. I will have to contribute more often.
Those misplaced modifiers our fourth grade teacher warned us about…
…that come back to both haunt us and make us laugh.
By the time I got to the end, I was laughing so hard I could hardly read.
You are the “type” that would be amused by these headlines.