I feel your pain. No, really, I feel your pain (and my own). That’s why I have done extensive research to help you alleviate all those aches, twinges, soreness, throbbing, and hurts.
Extensive research means watching a bunch of commercials and reading a pile of advertisements in magazines. As a result, I have created a cure-all for what ails you.
Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™
In the nineteenth century, it was easy (and profitable) to advertise cure-all products. One of the best known quack product lines was Dr. Kilmer’s Swamp-Root Kidney Liver Bladder Remedy. This remedy professed to cure everything from Bright’s Disease, urinary trouble, sediment in urine, lame back, rheumatism, aching pains, diabetes, dropsy, malaria, dyspepsia, gall stones, gout, pimples, ulcers, syphilis, poor appetite, slime fever to kidney stones, liver problems and catarrh of the bladder. Dr. Kilmer got very rich selling his cure-all remedy.
I figured I could do something similar today by mashing together the most commonly advertised medicines into one all-purpose remedy. Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™ will cure everything from Aagenaes syndrome to Zygomycosis.
Of course, thanks to the increased vigilance of health and drug oversight organizations, I would – of necessity – have to include all the potential side effects.
“In taking Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™, you may encounter swelling of the lips, chest pains, erection lasting more than four hours, nausea, dizziness, vomiting, redness, paralysis, numbness, burning sensation, unusual changes of behavior, kidney or liver problems, glaucoma, diabetes, seizures, increased blood pressure, itching, right upper-belly pain, dark urine, yellow skin/eyes, unexplained flu-like symptoms, high fever, confusion, stiff muscles, dry mouth, and constipation.
An unsafe drop in blood pressure, blurred vision, facial flushing, and sensitivity to light may occur.
You may also experience aggressive reaction, breast tenderness or enlargement, confusion, convulsions, diarrhea, drowsiness, dryness of the mouth, fast talking and excited feelings or actions that are out of control, fast, pounding, irregular, or slow heartbeat, fever, inability to sit still, increase in body movements, increased sweating, increased thirst, lack of energy, loss of bladder control, mood or behavior changes, muscle spasm or jerking of all extremities, nosebleeds, overactive reflexes, racing heartbeat, red or purple spots on the skin, restlessness, shivering, skin rash, hives, or itching, sudden loss of consciousness, unusual or sudden body or facial movements or postures, and unusual secretion of milk (in females).
In addition, you may be subject to abdominal or stomach pain, bleeding gums, blindness, blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin, bloating, blood in the urine, bloody, black, or tarry stools, blue-yellow color blindness, blurred vision, chest pain or discomfort, chills, clay-colored stools, cough or hoarseness, darkened urine, decreased urine output, decreased vision, depressed mood, difficulty with breathing, difficulty with speaking, difficulty with swallowing, drooling, dry skin and hair, eye pain, fainting, feeling cold, feeling of discomfort, feeling, seeing, or hearing things that are not there, general feeling of discomfort, illness, tiredness, or weakness, hair loss, high fever, high or low blood pressure, hoarseness or husky voice, hostility, increased clotting times, indigestion, inflamed joints, irritability, joint or muscle pain, large, hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, or sex organs, lethargy, lightheadedness, loss of appetite, loss of balance control, loss of bladder control, lower back or side pain, muscle aches, muscle cramps and stiffness, muscle trembling, jerking, or stiffness, muscle twitching, painful or difficult urination, pains in the stomach, side, or abdomen, possibly radiating to the back, pale skin, puffiness or swelling of the eyelids or around the eyes, face, lips, or tongue, rapid weight gain, rash, red, irritated eyes, red, sore, or itching skin, right upper stomach pain and fullness, severe mood or mental changes, severe muscle stiffness, shuffling walk, sore throat, sores, ulcers, or white spots in the mouth or on the lips, sores, welting, or blisters, stiffness of the limbs, sweating, swelling of the face, ankles, or hands, swollen or painful glands, talking or acting with excitement you cannot control, tightness in the chest, troubled breathing, twisting movements of the body, twitching, uncontrolled movements, especially of the face, neck, and back, unexplained bleeding or bruising, unpleasant breath odor, unusual behavior, unusual tiredness or weakness, weight gain, and yellow eyes and skin.
Oh, and vomiting of blood.”
[I’m going to need a bigger warning label on the bottle to get all of this in.]
Remember, cure all with Dr. Cur’s Cure-All™.