I am looking for volunteers to fulfill my deepest fantasy – a fully compliant recipient of my endless complaining.
I will be your master: you will be my slave. I will complain, bitch and moan at will: you will not be allowed to resist.
You will have to sign a 26 page agreement beforehand written entirely in indecipherable legalese in the smallest available font size. You will then have to listen to me sing it back to you in its entirety off-key.
I will speak to you through a voice modulator so that my complaints will be heard by you in various unpleasant voices:
- Screech from Saved by the Bell
- Howard’s mother from The Big Bang Theory
- Marge Simpson
- The 38th Vice President of the United States, Hubert H. Humphrey
- Gilbert Gottfried
If you fail to heed my commands or stop listening attentively to my bitching and moaning or show the slightest degree of resistance, you will be subjected to various forms of torture:
- Participating in endless sessions of Richard Simmons’ workout tapes;
- Watching prerecorded sessions of Meet the Press starting with the original series from the 1950’s with Lawrence E. Spivak;
- Listening to Donald Trump’s previous presidential campaign speeches;
- Reading all of Tori Spelling’s “books;”
- Sitting in a public restroom stall yelling “I am not committing an unnatural act” over and over.
In order to speak, you will first have to ask permission by crossing your knees and your eyes, doubling over in an expression of pain, raising your right hand and pointing at your crotch with your left hand. This is also the method you will employ when requesting a bathroom break.
I may, from time to time, have you dress up in different attire of my choosing. Some examples are:
- Captain Kangaroo
- Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame
- Queen Victoria
Your reward for your participation will be to receive an autographed copy of my upcoming book Fifty Shades of Grumpy at a discounted price.