Twisted Phrases

Twisted phrase

As people age, they worry about eye-hand coordination.  I’m beyond that.  I worry about eye-brain coordination.  My eyes and brain continue to play tricks on me.  Hence, the following set of normal phrases become twisted by my warped mind:

International House of Pancakes becomes International Hole of Pancakes.

Smoothies and Freshly Made Meals becomes Smoothies and Freshly Made Eels. (Nothing is worse than stale eels.)

Stunning Underwater Life = Stunning Underwear Life.

Best prom dresses for under $100 = Best porn dresses for under $100.

Vanity plate with JMP SHT = a basketball player saying jump shot.  To me, however, it’s jump shit?!

Someone else had a vanity plate saying SHTR BG.  This was a photographer saying shutterbug, but to me it was shitter big.  Why would you have shitter big as a vanity plate?  I guess it’s because BG SHTR was taken.

Cameron Diaz’s hot tips became Cameron Diaz’s hot lips.  Not much of jump here.

On an airplane flight, I noticed in my seat a sign that read “keep seat belts fastened when seated.”  Except I read it as “keep seat butts fastened when seated.”  (If your seat butt is unfastened, God only knows where it goes.)

“Want to spy on your wife?” became “Want to spray on your wife?”              (How do you do that exactly?)

VISA and MasterCard unveil slick new features = VISA and MasterCard unveil sick new features.  (Excessive use of credit cards can not only make you indebted but also ill.)

Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past hits = Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past tits.             (As opposed to the current set?)

Man killed by falling tombstone while decorating family plot = Man killed by falling trombone while decorating family plot.  (I always felt that trombones in the wrong hands were dangerous.)

Here’s a fact check of his speech = Here’s a fart check of his speech.                 (The speech was offensive.)

Actress rude at book signing = Actress nude at book signing.                           (Good attendance.)

Radio show sex charges = radio show sex change.

Virginia is for lovers = Viagra is for lovers.

On an on it goes.  A warped mind is its own reward.  Have you any brain slip-ups recently?

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23 responses to “Twisted Phrases

  1. Damn, this is so funny!!!

  2. Well you must have better eyesight than me, cause I read Madonna as “People floating on her tits”.

  3. A recent Friday Fictioneers had an image of a large chain on the beach … partially covered by sand … and I saw (and still see) alligators!

  4. Ok, it just happened! Idly looking at a manual for a microwave oven, model number KOC-SHAFR… thought that was a funny number for a microwave, perhaps more appropriate for a different appliance… Turns out the” S” was an 8… must be the bifocals…

  5. I think what you have might be catching. (Or did you catch it from me?) Anyhow, I have long been reading meanings into (non-vanity) license plates, often using 3’s as E’s, 1’s as I’s, 5’s as S’s. and the like to make unintended words. Also, my mind will transpose letters on names. NBC’s anchor Lester Holt becomes Hester Lolt and Mitt Romney becomes Ritt Momney. The habit is kind of like an ear worm – I’m wired that way. 🙂

  6. Ha! That’s usually what happens to me, but for some reason my eye-brain coordination seems to have improved a bit of late. That said, I definitely read “JUMP SHIT”. But my brain went to a slightly different place with “SHTTR BG” – I read “SHITTER BAG”. I thought maybe it belonged to a surgeon who specialized in colostomies…

  7. Hahaha. 🙂 Too meeny to meerkat. Er, too many to mention.

  8. I am approaching that age when the eyes read what they want to read, and I often find the result ironically comical, like your misreads above. What gets even funnier (though far more irritating) is mishearing something that one’s adult child says. If after my 3rd “What?” doesn’t clarify, I generally repeat what I heard, which is inane at best. Does that happen to you? It’s like life has become a living typo!

  9. My brain does this sometimes too. The most recent was a license plate that said, SNELL. Or course, I read it as SMELL and thought, “who in the world would want smell on their license plate?” Though I’m not sure snell is much better.

  10. OMG- I am dying. I’m laughing so hard, because I friggin do this!

    JMP SHT – I read that as Jump Shit.
    Unfastened butts, you just can’t have asses running unchecked on a flight

    Yup- one day (long ago in high school- can’t even blame old age on this one) We were walking through the mall and looking over the food court for places to eat.

    Me: “Oh, we can go to the Italian Ecstasy.”
    Friend: “What? That’s Italian Eatery”
    Me: “Oh, so it is”
    Friend: “Well, now I’m disappointed. I want to go to the Italian Ecstasy. The eatery seems boring and don’t feel like having now.”

    Frist time visiting, my name’s Sandi 🙂

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