As people age, they worry about eye-hand coordination. I’m beyond that. I worry about eye-brain coordination. My eyes and brain continue to play tricks on me. Hence, the following set of normal phrases become twisted by my warped mind:
International House of Pancakes becomes International Hole of Pancakes.
Smoothies and Freshly Made Meals becomes Smoothies and Freshly Made Eels. (Nothing is worse than stale eels.)
Stunning Underwater Life = Stunning Underwear Life.
Best prom dresses for under $100 = Best porn dresses for under $100.
Vanity plate with JMP SHT = a basketball player saying jump shot. To me, however, it’s jump shit?!
Someone else had a vanity plate saying SHTR BG. This was a photographer saying shutterbug, but to me it was shitter big. Why would you have shitter big as a vanity plate? I guess it’s because BG SHTR was taken.
Cameron Diaz’s hot tips became Cameron Diaz’s hot lips. Not much of jump here.
On an airplane flight, I noticed in my seat a sign that read “keep seat belts fastened when seated.” Except I read it as “keep seat butts fastened when seated.” (If your seat butt is unfastened, God only knows where it goes.)
“Want to spy on your wife?” became “Want to spray on your wife?” (How do you do that exactly?)
VISA and MasterCard unveil slick new features = VISA and MasterCard unveil sick new features. (Excessive use of credit cards can not only make you indebted but also ill.)
Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past hits = Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past tits. (As opposed to the current set?)
Man killed by falling tombstone while decorating family plot = Man killed by falling trombone while decorating family plot. (I always felt that trombones in the wrong hands were dangerous.)
Here’s a fact check of his speech = Here’s a fart check of his speech. (The speech was offensive.)
Actress rude at book signing = Actress nude at book signing. (Good attendance.)
Radio show sex charges = radio show sex change.
Virginia is for lovers = Viagra is for lovers.
On an on it goes. A warped mind is its own reward. Have you any brain slip-ups recently?