Advice [with commentary]

advice

People cannot resist giving advice. Most of it is unwanted, unwarranted or useless.  Shakespeare’s Polonius, he of “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was full of advice and was also a deceitful old fool.  Hamlet rewarded Polonius for this advice by stabbing him: He should have stabbed him sooner.

While I am not planning to stab anyone, I am going to add my own curmudgeonly commentary to some advice and comments that I received recently.

 

Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.  [Wear more if it’s cold unless you are auditioning for a job as a stripper.]

If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a fifty percent chance you’ll die within the next three years.  [So move around every 10 hours and 59 minutes.]

There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There is a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime.  [None of these people will look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.]

Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.  [Sleeping without a bed does not.]

A person’s height is determined by their father and their weight is determined by their mother.  [It’s always your parents’ fault.]

If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head.  [If your head falls asleep, you’re probably dead.]

There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger.  [For men, this is defined as beer, large breasts and “honey do” lists.]

Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.  [Using the tea bag afterwards will not.]

According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. [Sooner if preceded by nuclear holocaust.]

There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.  [Also true for micro-breweries.]

People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. [Unless you laugh at a Hell’s Angel.]

Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb.  [Which is why we see people who have a bright idea with a 10 watt bulb over their heads.]

Our body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water.  [So if you sit in a bathtub long enough, will you heat it up?]

Stomach acid (HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.  [Be environmentally sound by swallowing razor blades after using them.]

Take a 10 to 30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant.  [Not true. When I take a 30 minute walk, I grimace.]

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.  [For a teenager, make it 10 hours instead of 10 minutes.]

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything. [But don’t forget their names.]

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”  [If yes, then elevate “so-called” to “cataclysmic.”]

Advertisements

15 responses to “Advice [with commentary]

  1. Great stuff. You should check out the Absent Minded Professor on a show called the Royal Canadian Airfarce. It’s probably on YouTube or the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) web site. Comments like if I wake up in the morning and it doesn’t hurt am I dead?

  2. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Damn, it looks just like yesterday!

  3. An addendum to the last item: “And if you actually know what’s going to happen in five years, invest in the stock market.”

  4. As always and as expected, excellent advise … and you need to contact Lipton with your tea flavor idea.

  5. Hahaha

  6. Oh, man, I love these! Especially the tea bags in the smelly bag. I raised a hockey player…..Nope. Didn’t help. Still some funny ideas in there!

  7. Uh oh. I’m in trouble with the shoe one. I wear ugly man shoes. My goal is to remain bunion-free. Guess I’ll take the loss.

    Love your commentary on these (questionable) tips of advice!

Leave a Reply But Wipe Your Feet First

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s