Category Archives: Uncurmudgeonized

Our Sweet Yorkie

We have a pleasant Yorkie, a likable, lovable, spoiled little seven pound creature.  An affectionate doggie who loves to cuddle and play and look cute.

473

She likes to spend the day nestled in your lap when, without warning, she

FARTS!

How badly does she fart, you might ask?  Badly enough to knock a buzzard off an open garbage truck.  Badly enough to call out an emergency hazmat team.  Badly enough to make your eyes water, your nose run and your skin itch.  THAT’s how badly she farts.  Her farts are thermonuclear.  Actually, they are more akin to a neutron bomb in that they are stealth farts.  They do their damage without leaving any trace or registering on any seismic device.  It is inconceivable that such a small creature can wreak such olfactory havoc.

Not only does she fart spectacularly but she has the audacity to act as though someone else had performed the dirty deed.  She jumps off your lap and looks around in amazement like a little girl caught in the act of breaking mommy’s vase and pretending it was done by her bad brother.  (Our doggie has no brother, bad or otherwise, so the culprit must be a squirrel or a sparrow or maybe the mailman.)

Now such vile activity in a somewhat larger animal – a Saint Bernard or an English Mastiff or a Great Dane  – might be understandable, though not any more pleasant, but a seven pound Yorkie?!  Pound for pound this has to be one of the most intense effusions of odor imaginable.  If this odor was pleasant rather than, well, odoriferous, I could foresee bottling it as Chanel Yorkie, rather than as something best called Essence of Open Sewer Rotting Fish.

Now you might think our doggie is offended by being described as a broken septic field on four paws.  Not at all.  She is, this very moment, waiting to jump back in my lap, nestle down and…

Our sweet yorkie

I am holding my breath.

Advertisements

Toilets for the Half-Assed

 

I am once again indebted to A Frank Angle for the inspiration (if you want to call it that) for this post.  He noticed that a number of my headers featured toilets that were, for lack of a better phrase, architecturally challenged.  It turns out that there is no limit to the questionable ways that people will install a device of necessity in the home.  Whoever said “Don’t start vast plans with half-vast ideas” never encountered these half-assed plans.  To wit:

desktop-1406690709

Someone told the contractor that they wanted a Jack-and-Jill bathroom to be shared between two bedrooms.

 

cropped-toilet1.jpg

Why should the inconvenience of a small house restrict you from having a full-sized toilet?

 

Toilet window

Nothing says luxury like a toilet with a view through a sliding glass door.

 

Toilet paper in tub

The soap dish in your tub can serve as both a soap dispenser and a toilet paper dispenser.  It’s that waterproof toilet paper though that makes this plan so costly.

 

Stained glass toilet

When visitors arrive at your house, especially after a long ride, they often first ask to use the loo.  With this design, you need not worry about complicated directions to get to the facilities.  The full length (see through) stained glass window is an extra added touch.

 

Dining room toilet

No longer will you have to interrupt dinner conversations when one of your guests needs to use the bathroom.  It’s right there within earshot.

I admit that the last idea is not one that actually exists (yet) but originated with none other than Homer Simpson.  You’re sitting comfortably on the back patio, having a nice glass or two of wine in your wine seat when nature unexpectedly calls.  Why go through the effort of finding the facilities when, with a little modification, you can conveniently stay in place and, in the words of Homer, “Let ‘er rip.”

wine seat     wine toilet seat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I gotta go.

Puns on High

I have relatives in high places (they are smoking something in the Colorado Rockies) who provided me with a year-ending set of puns:

  1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

 

  1. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

 

  1. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

 

  1. A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

 

  1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

 

  1. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

 

  1. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

 

  1. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

 

  1. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

 

  1. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

 

  1. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

 

  1. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

 

  1. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

 

  1. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

  1. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

 

  1. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

 

  1. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

 

  1. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

 

  1. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

 

  1. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

 

  1. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns…

 

  1. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

 

  1. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal

 

  1. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound…

 

  1. And finally…

Puns on High

 

SHAREing

Here’s something I wish to SHARE with you.

I am never going to ask anyone on Facebook to SHARE anything… ever!

I am not going to ask you to SHARE if:

  1. You agree with Donald Trump;
  2. You hate Donald Trump;
  3. Parents should be allowed to teach their kids to shoot;
  4. U call yourself my buddy, friend or family;
  5. You are lactose intolerant;
  6. You need a hug;
  7. You need an Amen;
  8. You need a laxative;
  9. Chuck Todd is an idiot;
  10. Bill O’Reilly is an idiot;
  11. I am an idiot;
  12. You think that Hitler and global warming are related;
  13. You found Jesus;
  14. You found inspiration:
  15. You found your ass with both hands;
  16. You need to water your lawn;
  17. You have to pass water;
  18. You have a used sofa for sale;
  19. You passed water on a used sofa for sale;
  20. I want to show you what I had for breakfast for the last five months;
  21. I want to show you my infrequent bowel movements;
  22. You ran behind the DDT watering truck as a kid;
  23. You have 12 cases of chocolate soy milk to give away;
  24. You are looking for others to participate in a cardio exercise by the pool;
  25. The abandoned puppy in this picture will be shot unless 1,000 people share and say No;
  26. Only 1% of the population can pass this quiz;
  27. You like my recipe for kale lemonade;
  28. Sharing is caring;
  29. “i” before “e” except after “c;”
  30. You believe in alien anal probing.

Sadly, less than 2% of you will like and share these sentiments.

Hit LIKE and SHARE if you AGREE.

SHAREing

(Just kidding!)

Scientific Puns

One more round of puns.

You may thank (or curse) HighIQHumor for these:

Scientific

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microScope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 Billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

2,000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbird

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1,000 cc’s of wet socks = 1 Literhosen

8 nickels = 2 Paradigms

 

And, for your added pleasure:

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Do you think that humans will ever walk on the sun? (It would have to occur at night.)