Duct Tape

 

The US’s problems seem insurmountable: disagreements over gun control, immigration, the deficit, taxes, right-to-life, loss of religious values, global warming, and sexual abuse.  Can anything solve these seemingly insurmountable problems?

Two words:

Duct tape

Duct Tape

There is nothing that cannot be fixed with the proper application of duct tape.  I use it to fix everything – leaks in my roof, leaks in my car, leaks in my pants, financial failure and noisy grandchildren.  Proper application of this ubiquitous material can resolve any and all crises.

Duct tape applied to every member of Congress, the President, all governors, state and local legislators as well as all news commentators would silence the unending war of words and require them all to resort to hand gestures and written statements.  Derogatory hand gestures can also be stopped by duct tape as well.

Overuse of social media can be remedied by applying duct tape to all electronic devices like TV screens, monitors and smart phones.

Duct tape can fix – broken pipes, broken windows, broken arrows, broken hearts, broken necks, compound fractures, hyphenated words, misplaced modifiers, discordant harmonics, nasal drip and whistling, loose dentures, loose teeth, loose lips, holes in your socks, holes in your shoes, holes in your ceiling, holes in your head, squeaky floorboards, squeaky doors, squeaky neighbors, bumpers, fenders, hood ornaments, trailer hitches, diesel locomotives, and Boeing 777’s.

Just imagine what $100B worth of duct tape can do to improve our deteriorating infrastructure.  Rusting bridges, potholes the size of a compact car, warped train tracks?  No problem!

Why spend $50B for an unnecessary wall between the US and Mexico when we can just duct tape the border shut.  Duct tape is waterproof so taping over the Rio Grande is no impediment.

Lawyers, ambulance chasers, debt collectors, used car salesmen?  Duct tape!

Inaction by Congress, unduly long NFL replay analysis, unfair trade tariffs?  Duct tape!

Unruly children, yapping dogs, unwanted relatives?  Duct tape!

Sexual abuse, serial murderers, run-on sentences? Duct tape!

Arthritis, bunions, hemorrhoids, hair loss?  You guessed it; Duct tape!

 

Advertisements

Bar Jokes for English Majors

 

I am once again thankful to FOAF (friend of a friend).  These are too good not to post.  They come from the bluebird of bitterness blog and the image from the story reading ape blog to which I give credit.*

Bar jokes english major

 

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

 

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

 

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

 

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

 

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

 

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

 

A question mark walks into a bar?

 

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

 

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

 

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

 

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

 

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

 

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

 

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

 

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

 

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

 

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

 

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

 

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

 

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

 

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

 

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

 

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

 

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

 

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

 

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 


*A footnote reference walks into a bar and has no cash.  The bartender gives him credit.

Toilets for the Half-Assed

 

I am once again indebted to A Frank Angle for the inspiration (if you want to call it that) for this post.  He noticed that a number of my headers featured toilets that were, for lack of a better phrase, architecturally challenged.  It turns out that there is no limit to the questionable ways that people will install a device of necessity in the home.  Whoever said “Don’t start vast plans with half-vast ideas” never encountered these half-assed plans.  To wit:

desktop-1406690709

Someone told the contractor that they wanted a Jack-and-Jill bathroom to be shared between two bedrooms.

 

cropped-toilet1.jpg

Why should the inconvenience of a small house restrict you from having a full-sized toilet?

 

Toilet window

Nothing says luxury like a toilet with a view through a sliding glass door.

 

Toilet paper in tub

The soap dish in your tub can serve as both a soap dispenser and a toilet paper dispenser.  It’s that waterproof toilet paper though that makes this plan so costly.

 

Stained glass toilet

When visitors arrive at your house, especially after a long ride, they often first ask to use the loo.  With this design, you need not worry about complicated directions to get to the facilities.  The full length (see through) stained glass window is an extra added touch.

 

Dining room toilet

No longer will you have to interrupt dinner conversations when one of your guests needs to use the bathroom.  It’s right there within earshot.

I admit that the last idea is not one that actually exists (yet) but originated with none other than Homer Simpson.  You’re sitting comfortably on the back patio, having a nice glass or two of wine in your wine seat when nature unexpectedly calls.  Why go through the effort of finding the facilities when, with a little modification, you can conveniently stay in place and, in the words of Homer, “Let ‘er rip.”

wine seat     wine toilet seat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I gotta go.

Happily Ever After

 

It is February, the month of valentines, hearts, flowers, Cupid, love and time for another long overdue, heart throbbing story of:

Fallen Arches title copy

For those too new to this blog to remember or those who do remember but wish to forget, Fallen Arches is my grotesque effort to reinvent the romance novel (more on that subject at Fallen Arches Redux).  Here, for your reading pleasure, is the latest installment.

—————

The transport carrier was heard before it was seen.  The drab, dusty, black-hole like sky of Voltmore 4 prevented sight for more than an arm’s length.  The bulky carrier’s engines throbbed as it approached and docked at the colonizing station platform.

Anxious couples milled about in the darkened air, nervously awaiting their turn to be processed and then boarded onto the carrier for their transport to the far off lands of Northeros and Southos in the Gethen solar system, where their lives could begin anew.  The exhausting and endless Arrakis wars, stopped then renewed with even more hostility and bloodshed, had seen the near extinction of several tribes caught in the midst of the seemingly endless struggle.

Ultimately the Hainish Truce supplied a welcome but brief relief.  At first the warring factions did not observe the tenuous truce but then, after several false starts, it appeared that the truce would hold and repatriation or, at least relocation, of the decimated tribes could begin in earnest.  The Wockyjabbs, a docile, retiring, servile people, were among those tribes caught in the unrelenting, harsh wars between the belligerents and nearly obliterated.  Oscar was among the few Wockyjabbs left.

Voltmore 4, though incredibly barren and bleak at the edge of the galaxy, was a safe holding place for the remaining tribe members who survived until they were chosen by the supreme Ekumen Council to be paired together and then moved to Gethen where they could settle and breed and continue their lineage.  By Council law, each tribe was granted one pairing per transport which occurred only once a nebulon.*

[*Author’s note: A nebulon is a single revolution of the planet Hysteria around its sun or approximately fifty years.]

In the near complete darkness, Oscar, his newly chosen mate alongside, plodded ever so slowly through the dimly lit corridor leading up to the carrier.  Painfully shy like all Wockyjabbs, Oscar finally picked up the courage to reach out and touch the hand of his chosen partner.  Other than their exposed hands, both were covered head to toe in layers of clothing to protect themselves from the harsh Voltmore 4 climate.  When no resistance occurred, Oscar started to stammer out his thoughtful but slow speech.

“I.. I know that we will be together for a lifetime and we hope to.. to form a new life and.. you know.. re-create, I.. I mean reproduce, to keep our species alive and.. and all those things but, but I.. well, I don’t even know your name.  Please tell me.”

After a pause, his mate replied “My name is Walter.”

—————

With apologies to J.K. Rowling, Lewis Carroll, George R. R. Martin, Frank Herbert, and Ursula Le Guin.

Donorrhea

CNN Style recently posted an article entitled “What North Korea propaganda posters reveal.”

“To the outside world, North Korean propaganda posters are notorious for their militaristic and anti-American messages.  But one former Pyongyang resident is hoping that her sizable Korean poster collection can present a more nuanced picture of art in the reclusive state.  Stanford fellow Katharina Zellweger — who lived in Pyongyang for five years while working for a Swiss government agency — has collected over 100 examples from inside the country.”

These posters are on exhibit as “Korea’s Public Face: Twentieth-century Propaganda Posters from the Zellweger Collection” at The University Museum and Art Gallery (UMAG) at the University of Hong Kong until Jan. 28, 2018.

Being the kind-hearted soul I am, I thought that it would be amusing to see what nuanced themes Team Trump would construct for propaganda art in the coming year using these same posters.

Hence, Donald Trump North Korea posters become Donorrhea posters.

NKDT7

North Korea:  “Spinning tops is fun!”

Donorrhea:  “Whipping people is fun!”

 

NKDT1

North Korea:  “Agriculture is the first priority.”

Donorrhea:  “Sucking up to me is the first priority.”

 

 

NKDT4

North Korea:  “Let us provide more electricity to the battlefields where we are breaking new ground!”

Donorrhea:   “Let me use my small hands to shut down science and environmental protection before they can break new ground!”

 

NK6

North Korea:  “Let us raise more grass-eating animals.”

Donorrhea:  “Let us raise more grass-eating loyal followers. (But only white sheep.)”

 

NKDT10

North Korea: “Let us further encourage our nation’s excellent sports activities and folk games!”

Donorrhea:  “Always grab them by the ass or the p***y!”

 

NKDT9b

North Korea:  “Let us achieve the party’s agriculture revolution policy thoroughly and brighten the year with increased grain production.”

Donorrhea:  “Let us brighten the year by stomping out fake news with fire and fury!”

 

As the old Chinese proverb states:  “May you live in interesting times.”

DT5b

Cue the theme from The Twilight Zone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-b5aW08ivHU