People cannot resist giving advice. Most of it is unwanted, unwarranted or useless. Shakespeare’s Polonius, he of “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was full of advice and was also a deceitful old fool. Hamlet rewarded Polonius for this advice by stabbing him: He should have stabbed him sooner.
While I am not planning to stab anyone, I am going to add my own curmudgeonly commentary to some advice and comments that I received recently.
Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes. [Wear more if it’s cold unless you are auditioning for a job as a stripper.]
If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a fifty percent chance you’ll die within the next three years. [So move around every 10 hours and 59 minutes.]
There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There is a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime. [None of these people will look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.]
Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger. [Sleeping without a bed does not.]
A person’s height is determined by their father and their weight is determined by their mother. [It’s always your parents’ fault.]
If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head. [If your head falls asleep, you’re probably dead.]
There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger. [For men, this is defined as beer, large breasts and “honey do” lists.]
Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor. [Using the tea bag afterwards will not.]
According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. [Sooner if preceded by nuclear holocaust.]
There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all. [Also true for micro-breweries.]
People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. [Unless you laugh at a Hell’s Angel.]
Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb. [Which is why we see people who have a bright idea with a 10 watt bulb over their heads.]
Our body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water. [So if you sit in a bathtub long enough, will you heat it up?]
Stomach acid (HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. [Be environmentally sound by swallowing razor blades after using them.]
Take a 10 to 30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant. [Not true. When I take a 30 minute walk, I grimace.]
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. [For a teenager, make it 10 hours instead of 10 minutes.]
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything. [But don’t forget their names.]
Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?” [If yes, then elevate “so-called” to “cataclysmic.”]
Curmudgeon at Large 