Advice [with commentary]

Posted on May 2, 2016 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

People cannot resist giving advice. Most of it is unwanted, unwarranted or useless. Shakespeare’s Polonius, he of “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was full of advice and was also a deceitful old fool. Hamlet rewarded Polonius for this advice by stabbing him: He should have stabbed him sooner.

While I am not planning to stab anyone, I am going to add my own curmudgeonly commentary to some advice and comments that I received recently.

Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes. [Wear more if it’s cold unless you are auditioning for a job as a stripper.]

If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a fifty percent chance you’ll die within the next three years. [So move around every 10 hours and 59 minutes.]

There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There is a 9% chance that you’ll meet one of them in your lifetime. [None of these people will look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.]

Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger. [Sleeping without a bed does not.]

A person’s height is determined by their father and their weight is determined by their mother. [It’s always your parents’ fault.]

If a part of your body “falls asleep,” you can almost always “wake it up” by shaking your head. [If your head falls asleep, you’re probably dead.]

There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing – food, attractive people and danger. [For men, this is defined as beer, large breasts and “honey do” lists.]

Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor. [Using the tea bag afterwards will not.]

According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years. [Sooner if preceded by nuclear holocaust.]

There are so many kinds of apples that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all. [Also true for micro-breweries.]

People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t. [Unless you laugh at a Hell’s Angel.]

Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt bulb. [Which is why we see people who have a bright idea with a 10 watt bulb over their heads.]

Our body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water. [So if you sit in a bathtub long enough, will you heat it up?]

Stomach acid (HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. [Be environmentally sound by swallowing razor blades after using them.]

Take a 10 to 30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate antidepressant. [Not true. When I take a 30 minute walk, I grimace.]

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. [For a teenager, make it 10 hours instead of 10 minutes.]

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything. [But don’t forget their names.]

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?” [If yes, then elevate “so-called” to “cataclysmic.”]

Jokes for Educated Minds

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

Puns for Educated Minds is one of my most viewed posts. While I search for more groan-worthy puns, you can occupy waste your time with these educated groan-worthy jokes, courtesy of tickld. I’m sure that these jokes are the talk of any MENSA meeting.

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do you all want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.”

The second logician says “I don’t know.”

The third logician says “Yes!”

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says “Five beers, please.”

8. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently “So, is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “Yes.”

9. Jean-Paul Satre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

10. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course, it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. His phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and says “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

17. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “Don’t you see, you’ll never reach her?” To which the engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?

19. The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023Mb. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

http://instantrimshot.com/

Fifty Shades of Grumpy Reviews

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

I really got excited about turning my idea for Fifty Shades of Grumpy into a novel. It could even become a major motion picture!

Fifty Review1

I already had the basic formula sketched out. I then turned that sketch into an outline. Finally I set to work on a preliminary draft. Before going any further I thought it best to send the draft to selected reviewers to get input. I got back some of their comments and I see that I need to do a little more work.

—-

I have never read anything like it and hope I never do again. –New York Times

If you only read one book this year, don’t make it this one. –Washington Post

This is a book for which the words “out of print” will be a blessing. –Chicago Tribune

Spectacular! Sexy and erotic! Brilliant! A sensational read! These are the words I would use to describe some other book but not this one. –Los Angeles Times

The book should be made of toilet paper so that it would at least be useful for something. –Barron’s

Thinking of all the starving children in the world is preferable to reading this nonsense. –The Wall Street Journal

This book sucks! –Rolling Stone

Mixing the book with sewage would improve it. –The New York Review of Books

Yet another indication that America never mastered the English language. –Guardian (UK)

—-

The critics have spoken, the bastards!

Fifty Shades of Grumpy, NOT coming to a book store near you anytime soon; NOT to be a major motion picture.

Sigh.

Blogging at the Three Year Mark

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

I was responding to a post by nursekelly on the trials and tribulations of blogging. It piqued my interest and resulted in a post of its own. As of this January, I have now been blogging for 3 years (on and off) and I make the following observations:

It was very hard to start. I was fearful of saying something stupid or wrong and of not getting any response. Over time, I found it easier to post, although finding new topics is still difficult and seems to come in spurts. Saying stupid things comes naturally to me so I got over that quickly.

I picked a theme to find “my voice.” Being a curmudgeon-at-large wasn’t that hard. Even though there were and are others with the same idea, my innate warped sense of humor gave me focus. Can you blog successfully without a focus? Well, Jerry Seinfeld made millions of dollars with a comedy show “based on nothing,” but most of us need a focus.

Building a set of loyal followers takes time but it only takes a few who have a rather large following and an interest in your blog to increase activity. Commenting on other peoples’ blogs also helps (but does not guarantee) to increase activity on your own and, quite frankly, I need to do more of it.

I have not encountered “super bloggers” (100,000+ followers) but I have noticed several who get a very large number of likes and comments even though the actual post seem inane or lacking content. I still don’t know why this happens. I find more revealing those bloggers who write well or have a creative view, have a sizable audience (100’s or 1000’s, not 100,000), get a sizable number of comments and still have time to reply to most. These bloggers are dedicated to interaction and exchange of ideas. Personally, I would prefer to be the latter rather than the former.

I have several fellow bloggers who are writers – no surprise that many bloggers are writers – who unabashedly use their blogs to advertise their books. Not one (so far) has asked for a contribution and I believe it fair to use a blog for marketing promotion. If you like the way the blogger writes, then you will be more likely to be interested in their books.

Bloggers come and go. Some get exhausted; many run out of ideas; some have reached their primary goal (sobriety, end of a bad relationship, fear of writing, etc.). While I still read and follow many that I started with, others have, regrettably, stopped blogging. The upside is to encourage looking for new ones.

Obscenity and vulgarity – I don’t mind it and I use it occasionally for emphasis but I’m not good at it. Besides, there are already too many “fuck you” ~~rants~~ posts as it is.

I try to read as many different types of blogs as possible, from the creative, inspirational and poetic to those that others might find offensive, weird or unusual. I want to stretch my aging brain, not restrict it. While I have written posts about subjects like elderporn, alien anal probing and sex with animals, I would hope that no one takes me seriously. (Sorry to disappoint you, Fido.)

So, what’s your blogging view and experience, whether newbie or veteran? Is it up, down, sideways, ever-changing or static? I await your reply with bated breath. (Does bated breath leave a taste in your mouth?)

Horrorscope

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

Well, it’s that time of year again. No, not best wishes, holiday cheer or new year’s resolutions. While a curmudgeon has resolutions, few have cheer or well wishes attached. No, it’s time for your new year’s horoscope.

Have you bothered to read your horoscope lately? In ancient times (pre-internet), we had to rely upon newsprint. Today, there are numerous on-line sources just as irrelevant. On whatever day you were born, there is a paragraph of platitudes interspersed with just a dash of concern. In some way, every one born on that day finds something with which to agree.

Here are a few random samples:

“You might expect to receive the support you need today, but it could be withdrawn at the very last minute. Change is in the air and soon you won’t be able to go back to where you were.”

“Today’s Sun/Pluto square is like a searchlight that finds you at the right moment and a million little circumstances open the way to success. Tonight, ensure that feelings aren’t attached to old illusions that aren’t relevant to who you are and the person you are with now.”

“We may grow tired of the emotional intensity today as our thoughts push into new territory. The Moon’s shift into clever Gemini at 7:47 am EDT makes it difficult for us to turn off the constant flow of words. However, an awkward Venus-Uranus alignment has us longing for some quiet.”

Say what?! Get to the point!!

Will I be rich/poor; famous/infamous; handsome/ugly; loved/unloved? It’s all nonsense. I have carried it to an extreme by creating a new abbreviated daily horoscope based on the birthday of one notable individual. I call it the Curmudgeon’s Horrorscope.

Here’s a one day random horrorscope for each month:

January 8 – Elvis Presley – You are well known for your social and charming personality but mostly for your hips and the way you move them. People are naturally drawn to you and actively seek your company even after death.

February 12 – Abraham Lincoln – Against all odds, you’ll grow up to achieve great success but everyone will think that you’re not qualified for the job. Stay away from theaters.

March 31 – Johann Sebastian Bach – You are a musical genius but no one will notice until after you’re dead. To make up for this, you will have many children.

April 20 – Adolph Hitler – Uh Oh! Things don’t look good for you (or anyone around you for that matter).

May 16 – Tori Spelling – You will (after numerous alterations) have a fabulous figure and inherit big bucks but still look like a handsome horse with lipstick.

June 8 – Kanye West – You are destined to make a zillion bucks as a musician, artist and producer; marry a voluptuous woman; have a beautiful baby. You still won’t smile.

July 21 – Ernest Hemingway – You will write. It will be good. You will drink. You will die alone, in the dark.

August 21 – Usain Bolt – You are celestially influenced by the power of our Sun and ruled over by the planet Jupiter’s authority. Translation – you’re fast; real fast; leave others in the dust fast!

September 25 – Barbara Walters – Determination gets you fame, fortune and your own TV show along with a lisp.

October 1 – Randy Quaid – You will always wish that you were as good looking as your sibling. If you have no siblings, then you will just wish you were good looking.

November 5 – Roy Rodgers – Two thoughts; horses and fast food. Just don’t combine them!

December 18 – Joseph Stalin – Hate to end the year on a sour note but things don’t look good for you either (see April 20th).