Tag Archives: comments

Junk Mail Confusion

There is no way to stop the onslaught of spam, telemarketers, junk mail, and robocallers from reaching us.

Telemarketers already have their own ring in hell but even the thought of eternal damnation does not daunt them. Their reach extends to any newly created electronic device – Smartphones, Kindles, iPads, iPods, whatever.

Yes, I used “whatever,” get over it.  Yes, I used “get over it,” get over that, too.

Although the overwhelming task of stopping all this crap is futile, it is made slightly less annoying by the fact that these devious callers get in the way of each other.

junkmail1

As a result my junk mail gets confused and:

  • E-Harmony and the local auto repair shop want you to have dating calls during routine auto checkups.
  • Christian Mingle and Omega-K Heart Attack Fighter suggest that, before people give you CPR , ask if they are true believers.
  • First Premier Credit Card and Our Time Dating recommend a credit score appraisal before the second date.
  • Discount Gold Credit Cards and Pimslear Approach Language say “Koborowie karmiono obficie wystepuja jedynie podejrzana sprawa stala nie odnotowywano wiekszego komplementu z wytworzeniem.”
  • If you are over 65, no matter where you are, Gaylord Hotels and AARP want you safely in bed by 8:30 pm.
  • PayPal and Replacements Ltd will give you a ten percent discount on any organ purchased before July 31st.
  • Timeshare Facts, Check Your Credit and Tax Defense suggest that the best way to check your credit and lower your taxes is to do both while spending a week at one of their many, many once-in-a-lifetime timeshare vacations (50% off).  If that doesn’t work, then spend more time at one of their many, many once-in-a-lifetime timeshare vacations (50% off).
  • Regal Ecigs and Reverse Mortgage Planner have devised a program that assures you that your reverse mortgage payments will last longer than you do.
  • Garcinia Cambogia Slim and AHS Warranty have teamed up to guarantee your weight loss.  If your weight-loss comes back, simply send back the weight gain in a marked package to receive double your money back!
  • American Laser Skincare, Spray Your Way to Health and 1Ink have developed a new way to get that healthy tan using your laser jet printer.  Send in now for your thirty-day sample of Ink-Skin® cartridges.
  • LifeLine Screening, Reclaim Your Glory, Male Vitality, Cable TV and Blood Pressure Solutions have gotten together in one enormous wad of promotion that extends your life and love life while lowering your blood pressure and cable TV bills.
  • Restore My Vision, Lasik Vision Institute and Evite recommend an eye exam before you accept that next invitation, otherwise you may get…
  • Brazilian Shemales and Latin Ladyboys.
  •     Well, you are on your own with this one. Use your imagination.

Think You Can Stack Firewood?

It has been a cold winter in North America.  These people are prepared.

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Imponderables – The Final Conflict

We’re done here:

Imponderables Final

  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  • How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPhone?
  • If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  • If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
  • If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
  • If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  • Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Imponderables_children

  • Why do they call it “chili” if it’s hot?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • Clones are people two.
  • The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
  • When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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How to Curmudgeon

A number of people have asked me “How, exactly, do you become a curmudgeon?”  Actually, no one asked me that but I’m sure a few have thought about it and a few more have even hinted at it.  I’m here to set the record straight.

A curmudgeon is defined as a crusty, ill-tempered old man.  While generally male, a curmudgeon graces both sexes (think Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Dorothy Parker and Paula Poundstone).  I am one and, with counseling, you can be one too.  (If not, then you’ll just need counseling.)

What, you may ask, is the value of being a curmudgeon?

  1.  You never have to smile in public;
  2. No one will expect you to smile in public;
  3. You can redefine “pursuit of happiness;”
  4. You expect nothing and are never disappointed.

So how, exactly do you become a curmudgeon?  While there is no set formula, there are clues.

For example, did you look like this a child?

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Do you look like this as an adult?

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When a clerk in a store or a greeter at a convention says to you “Have a nice day,” how do you respond?

  1. “Why, thank you very much.”
  2. “You’re so welcome and I hope you have one, too.”
  3. “I’m sorry, I have other plans.”

When an important looking person approaches you and says “Do you know who I am?” you respond by saying:

  1. “I am so sorry that I did not recognize you.”
  2. “Excuse my ignorance.”
  3. “You don’t know who you are?  Have you lost your memory?”

You regard children and small animals as:

  1. A sign of God’s love;
  2. Precious items to be protected and cherished;
  3. Unnecessary.

Which activity should be added as an Olympic sport?

  1. Skateboarding;
  2. Golf;
  3. Poisoning pigeons.

What do you do if you pee when you jump up and down?

  1. Resolve to exercise harder and ignore the issue;
  2. Go immediately to the doctor to find the source of the problem;
  3. Stop jumping up and down.

What slogan would you choose to put on a tee shirt?

  1. Enjoy life;
  2. I ♥ my dog;
  3. member National Sarcasm Society; like we need your help.

If you look like the people in the pictures and answered every question with “C,” then you may be on the road to being a curmudgeon.  If not, then you may be on the yellow brick road.

Oh, and have a nice day!  As you already know, I have other plans.

The Sound of One Hand Clapping

First of all, I have NO IDEA why I chose the title I did for this post.  It just seemed appropriate even though this post is about hearing (or, more precisely, what I heard) but it would not make sense to title it “the sound of one ear clapping” or “the sound of one ear hearing” since one ear can hear.

I had returned to my boyhood home to visit my parents.  My mother and I sat in my old bedroom which she had converted into a small den.  It was spring in the Northeast but still quite cool so the windows were all closed.  As we sat and talked, I could discern a muffled noise coming from outside.  Listening closely, I could distinguish two separate voices – one a lower gruff voice, like a pirate captain barking orders to his crew and the second a higher shrill voice, not unlike a screeching night heron.  I don’t know that these are really the most descriptive terms for these voices.  Other descriptors are a fog-horn that smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and fingernails scraped across a chalkboard.   I only know that one voice was lower and male, the other was higher and female and both were harsh and unpleasant.

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After a while listening to the voices, my mother and I looked at each other and I said “I think I recognize those voices.  That’s Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethyl.”  [Not their real names, of course.]  My uncle and aunt were having a knock-down, lights-out screaming argument.  There was nothing particularly astonishing about this since arguments between them were commonplace.  My uncle drank heavily, my aunt was shrewish and they made no bones about what each thought of the other.  I will soften this description by pointing out that I recall no physical exchange between them despite the vehemence of the arguments.  The arguments were commonplace and not astonishing to any of us in the immediate family.

What was astonishing was that my aunt and uncle were having this argument in their house – which was two blocks away.  Moreover, they were having the argument inside their house which was two blocks away with all the windows closed!  If I, today, had living witnesses, I would submit this incident to The Guinness Book of World Records as the loudest argument ever held between two people without artificial amplification.

My uncle’s heavy drinking and my aunt’s shrewish disposition and irritation with my uncle continued unabated for a number of years until my uncle’s death, which occurred early on Christmas morning.  To this day, I carry a crystal clear memory of both incidents and it may account for the reason that I have never, since that day, even thought of having a screaming argument with anyone.

After all, how could I compete?