Tag Archives: complaints

…… for Dummies

I received a notice recently of the availability of Medicare for Dummies, Second Edition.

Medicare for Dummies

For only $19.99, I can find out:

  • When I should sign up for Medicare
  • What Medicare covers
  • What Medicare costs
  • How Medicare works with other health benefits.

All of this information is undoubtedly useful, especially for an aging population in need of such advice.  The “For Dummies” book franchise now has over 2500 titles.  As stated in Wikipedia, “For Dummies is an extensive series of instructional/reference books which are intended to present non-intimidating guides for readers new to the various topics covered.  The series has been a worldwide success with editions in numerous languages.”

But Medicare for Dummies just strikes a non-resonant chord.  It raises the question* of what is next for a dummy like me.  Besides the obvious – Retirement for Dummies, Medicaid for Dummies – there is the illogical step to:

  • Walking and Chewing Gum for Dummies
  • Answering the Phone for Dummies
  • Monday for Dummies (part one of a seven part series)
  • Poverty and Homelessness for Dummies
  • Borderline Hysteria for Dummies
  • Terminal Cancer for Dummies
  • Death for Dummies
  • and
  • How to be a Dummy for Dummies.

I should have realized that there is already a Blogging for Dummies, Facebook for Dummies and Twitter for Dummies.  There is also Critical Thinking for Dummies which appears to be a contradiction in terms.

It’s only a matter of time before you can enroll in For Dummies University (FDU) where you can graduate Magna cum Stultus.

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*Dr. Language Guy applauds the use of “raises the question” versus “begs the question” and refers readers to several diatribes articles on this subject.

http://hubpages.com/education/Begging-the-Question-vs-Raising-the-Question-Understanding-a-commonly-misused-phrase

http://philosophy.avemaria.edu/post/29691374480/begging-the-question-vs-raising-the-question

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/begs-the-question?page=all

November

November usually brings with it my melancholia.  This year in my part of the world the weather is not cooperating and remains pleasant which, of course, makes me even grumpier.  I know that the weather will eventually turn and I will start counting the days until the winter solstice.  After that, the miniscule increases in daylight, throughout the winter, prepare me for the arrival of early spring.

For now, I offer:

————————————————————————————————-

November

by Thomas Hood (1789 – 1845)

No sun – no moon!

No morn – no noon –

No dawn – no dusk – no proper time of day.

No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,

No comfortable feel in any member –

No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,

No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! –

November!

———————————————————————————————–

November

Curmudgeon’s Pub

 

I don’t get out much.  Why should I since all is do is complain about what I encounter?  I got to thinking that, lazy soul that I am, why don’t I get the complaints to come to me?

So I decided to start a pub.  What could be more patriotic in the US of A than a good, old-fashioned European pub?

CurPub2CP

But a pub needs a pub sign and I need your help.  Boy, do I need your help.

I wrote a previous post about clever London Pub Signs.  Plagiarism never stopped me in the past but I think that – with your help – I can produce a set as good or better than those.  Here’s one seen on a pub sign in Edinburgh, Scotland.

CurPub1

Here are my pitiful efforts:

CurPubSign1

CurPubSign2

 

CurPubSign3

 

CurPubSign4

 

Yeah, they suck.  Can you do better?  I certainly think so.  Please help an old curmudgeon.

What would you put on the Curmudge’s Pub sign?

Twisted Phrases

Twisted phrase

As people age, they worry about eye-hand coordination.  I’m beyond that.  I worry about eye-brain coordination.  My eyes and brain continue to play tricks on me.  Hence, the following set of normal phrases become twisted by my warped mind:

International House of Pancakes becomes International Hole of Pancakes.

Smoothies and Freshly Made Meals becomes Smoothies and Freshly Made Eels. (Nothing is worse than stale eels.)

Stunning Underwater Life = Stunning Underwear Life.

Best prom dresses for under $100 = Best porn dresses for under $100.

Vanity plate with JMP SHT = a basketball player saying jump shot.  To me, however, it’s jump shit?!

Someone else had a vanity plate saying SHTR BG.  This was a photographer saying shutterbug, but to me it was shitter big.  Why would you have shitter big as a vanity plate?  I guess it’s because BG SHTR was taken.

Cameron Diaz’s hot tips became Cameron Diaz’s hot lips.  Not much of jump here.

On an airplane flight, I noticed in my seat a sign that read “keep seat belts fastened when seated.”  Except I read it as “keep seat butts fastened when seated.”  (If your seat butt is unfastened, God only knows where it goes.)

“Want to spy on your wife?” became “Want to spray on your wife?”              (How do you do that exactly?)

VISA and MasterCard unveil slick new features = VISA and MasterCard unveil sick new features.  (Excessive use of credit cards can not only make you indebted but also ill.)

Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past hits = Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past tits.             (As opposed to the current set?)

Man killed by falling tombstone while decorating family plot = Man killed by falling trombone while decorating family plot.  (I always felt that trombones in the wrong hands were dangerous.)

Here’s a fact check of his speech = Here’s a fart check of his speech.                 (The speech was offensive.)

Actress rude at book signing = Actress nude at book signing.                           (Good attendance.)

Radio show sex charges = radio show sex change.

Virginia is for lovers = Viagra is for lovers.

On an on it goes.  A warped mind is its own reward.  Have you any brain slip-ups recently?

Beware of Dog!

 

My wife and I decided to get a dog.  (Translation: my wife decided to get a dog.)

The dog is a female Yorkshire terrier.  Taking the description of one dog breed website, terriers are good for people who 1) don’t want a large bulky dog; 2) want a dog that’s playful and social with people; 3) likes their dog to be busy and active without demanding constant attention; and 4) want a companion that will always be alert and watchful if the local squirrels dare to come into the garden and steal your nuts.

(My day is ruined if I find that squirrels are trying to steal my nuts.)

According to the Wikipedia, the Yorkshire terrier is a small dog breed of terrier type, developed in the 19th century in the county of Yorkshire, England to catch rats in clothing mills, also used for rat-baiting.

(My week is ruined if I find that rats are trying to eat my nuts.)

In the short time that we have had this adorable creature, we have trained the puppy to pee and poo on its pee-pad.  In that same time, the puppy has trained two humans to wait on her hand and foot.  I had thought, up to now, that only cats had staff but I am learning from a three-pound puppy that dogs can have staff as well.

Our puppy has two modes – adorable, sleeping puppy mode and psycho puppy mode.  I prefer adorable, sleeping puppy mode but that mode does not last long.  During psycho puppy mode, the puppy attacks everything in sight, usually the hands and feet of the male human because male human hands and feet and rats have a lot in common, at least according to the puppy and female humans.  (No female human has ever attacked my hands or feet but they have called me a rat on more than one occasion.)

During college, my housemates and I ended up dog sitting a six month old St. Bernard puppy until he found a good home.  If a three-pound Yorkshire terrier does something bad, you hold it in one hand and say “bad dog!” even though it doesn’t listen to your scolding.  If a 150 pound St. Bernard puppy does something bad, you first have to decide how strong you are and how much pain you are willing to endure to tell it “bad dog!” even though it doesn’t listen to your scolding.  We all believe that St. Bernard’s are the well-behaved dogs that rescue people trapped in heavy snow drifts.  We forget that a dog that can travel through heavy snow drifts is very strong and quite independently minded.  The St. Bernard puppy story has a happy ending: the puppy ended up with a couple who owned a farm where the dog had plenty of room to roam.

So I am being slowly trained by this three-pound terror to obey her rules but at least I know that my nuts are safe.

Warning!

 

Yorkysign2

Beware of the Yorkshire terrier!