…and they say romance is dead.

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

and they say

You may thank (or blame) Tom Merriman for this episode of:

Fallen Arches title copy

He asked in his February Monthly Theme for a post on the topic “…and they say romance is dead.”

————–

A husband and his long suffering wife decided to take a romantic driving vacation through the scenic US West. The husband, who was hard of hearing, was speeding down a remote highway and was spotted by a state trooper who pulled behind them, siren blaring.

“Pull over” says the wife.

“What?” says the husband.

“PULL OVER! STATE TROOPER!” screams the wife.

The husband pulls to the side of the rode and is approached by the female state trooper.

“May I see your license, please?” says the trooper.

“What?” says the husband.

“LICENSE! SHE NEEDS YOUR LICENSE!” screams the wife.

The husband hands the trooper his license. Upon looking at the license, the state trooper says:

“I see you’re from Delaware. I used to date a man from Delaware but he was a real asshole.”

“What?” says the husband.

“SHE SAYS SHE KNOWS YOU!” screams the wife.

…and they say romance is dead.

Blissful Couple

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

The internet supplies me with an endless source of warped amusement. Valentine’s Day provided an excuse to exercise it.

I saw the following picture – attached to some inane article – and instantly came up with…

Here’s a typical couple enjoying a quiet afternoon at their home.

———-

Or are they?

———-

This couple may be experiencing some difficulties when she thinks:

… and

While he thinks:

Or D)

———-

So what have we learned from these possible scenarios?

Looks are deceiving.
Hockey is back!
Buy low, sell high.
Who’s Roy?
Yet another example that, no matter what the man is thinking, he is still wrong!!

Blogging at the Three Year Mark

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

I was responding to a post by nursekelly on the trials and tribulations of blogging. It piqued my interest and resulted in a post of its own. As of this January, I have now been blogging for 3 years (on and off) and I make the following observations:

It was very hard to start. I was fearful of saying something stupid or wrong and of not getting any response. Over time, I found it easier to post, although finding new topics is still difficult and seems to come in spurts. Saying stupid things comes naturally to me so I got over that quickly.

I picked a theme to find “my voice.” Being a curmudgeon-at-large wasn’t that hard. Even though there were and are others with the same idea, my innate warped sense of humor gave me focus. Can you blog successfully without a focus? Well, Jerry Seinfeld made millions of dollars with a comedy show “based on nothing,” but most of us need a focus.

Building a set of loyal followers takes time but it only takes a few who have a rather large following and an interest in your blog to increase activity. Commenting on other peoples’ blogs also helps (but does not guarantee) to increase activity on your own and, quite frankly, I need to do more of it.

I have not encountered “super bloggers” (100,000+ followers) but I have noticed several who get a very large number of likes and comments even though the actual post seem inane or lacking content. I still don’t know why this happens. I find more revealing those bloggers who write well or have a creative view, have a sizable audience (100’s or 1000’s, not 100,000), get a sizable number of comments and still have time to reply to most. These bloggers are dedicated to interaction and exchange of ideas. Personally, I would prefer to be the latter rather than the former.

I have several fellow bloggers who are writers – no surprise that many bloggers are writers – who unabashedly use their blogs to advertise their books. Not one (so far) has asked for a contribution and I believe it fair to use a blog for marketing promotion. If you like the way the blogger writes, then you will be more likely to be interested in their books.

Bloggers come and go. Some get exhausted; many run out of ideas; some have reached their primary goal (sobriety, end of a bad relationship, fear of writing, etc.). While I still read and follow many that I started with, others have, regrettably, stopped blogging. The upside is to encourage looking for new ones.

Obscenity and vulgarity – I don’t mind it and I use it occasionally for emphasis but I’m not good at it. Besides, there are already too many “fuck you” ~~rants~~ posts as it is.

I try to read as many different types of blogs as possible, from the creative, inspirational and poetic to those that others might find offensive, weird or unusual. I want to stretch my aging brain, not restrict it. While I have written posts about subjects like elderporn, alien anal probing and sex with animals, I would hope that no one takes me seriously. (Sorry to disappoint you, Fido.)

So, what’s your blogging view and experience, whether newbie or veteran? Is it up, down, sideways, ever-changing or static? I await your reply with bated breath. (Does bated breath leave a taste in your mouth?)

When Nature Shouldn’t Call

Posted on May 21, 2014 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

“To what do you attribute this unexpected visit?”

This was the question posed to me by a clear but disembodied voice disturbing my reverie as I sat privately in my stall in the men’s room.

Well, other than it’s none of your business, nature would be my first response. And it’s not really unexpected: it happens regularly all the time. But before I could answer, I got another intriguing question.

“Is there a way that you can prolong your stay?”

Now things were getting a little strange. I wanted to point our that prolonging my stay was not in my, or other people’s, best interest. I also wanted to stress that I did not extend my bathroom breaks as excuses to finish the New York Times crossword puzzle, for example. Once again, before I could respond, the disembodied voice queried me once more.

“Is there some way that I can assist you in fulfilling your mission?”

Now we’ve gone from strange to terribly unsettling. I had never considered nature’s call as a mission much less that I need the assistance of a total stranger to complete it. Then suddenly, it all came clear:

“Okay then, we’ll convene a conference call tomorrow at 9 am sharp and look at all alternatives to keep our business with the new client.”

The man in the stall next to me was a businessman who saw no reason to interrupt his business call with a bathroom break. Ah, the modern inconvenience of the cell phone. I’m uncertain what the individual at the other end of the call thought about the background sounds during this conversation but I, for one, am not keen on mixing business calls with nature’s call.

If all of the participants followed the lead of this businessman, I can only imagine what the conference call the following morning sounded like:

[Organizer]: “Are we all on the call?”

{Sounds of stall doors closing and locking on the other end}

[Organizer]: “Okay, let’s begin. Do we have an opinion on how to handle our new client?”

{Pffffffffffffffft!!}

[Organizer]: After a pregnant pause, “Would you please clarify you statement?”

{Disgusting sound} followed by “I’d prefer not to.”

[Organizer]: ” Okay then, does anyone else have an opinion on how we treat our new client?”

{Disgusting sounds numbers 2, 3 and 4}

[Organizer]: “Uh, can we take that to a vote? All in favor of number 2?”

{Sounds of toilets flushing}

[Organizer]: “The ayes have it. Let’s all follow up with number 2. This concludes our meeting; thank you all for attending.”

{Various inaudible sounds and murmurs.}

The Official Rules

Posted on April 9, 2014 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

In an earlier post, I wrote about Finagle’s Creed which described every information technology project that was ever worked on or will be worked on. Several of you commented by adding laws and corollaries of your own and I realized that someone had already done the work of amassing all the rules by which we work and live.

No, it’s not The Bible but it is the bible of official rules. Paul Dickson wrote a book entitled The Official Rules. This book, sadly now out of print, is “the definitive, annotated collection of laws, principles and instructions for dealing with the real world.” Dickson organized the rules alphabetically from Abbott’s Admonitions (1. If you have to ask, you not entitled to know. 2. If you don’t like the answer, you shouldn’t have asked the question.) to Zymurgy’s Seventh Exception to Murphy’s Laws (When it rains, it pours).

Dickson followed his first book with The New Official Rules and, for a long while, entertained submissions for any subsequent “new” rule that he had overlooked.

Here are a few random examples from both books:

Boren’s Laws of Bureaucracy: (1) When in charge, ponder; (2) When in trouble, delegate; (3) When in doubt, mumble.
DeVault’s Razor: There are only two laws. (1) Someday you will die. (2) If you are reading this, you are not dead yet.
Erma Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Exxon’s Law of Energy Costs: We’ve upped ours, now up yours.
Leahy’s Law: If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. Corollary: Volume is a defense to error.
Mrs. Murphy’s Law (also known as the Buttered-Side-Down Law and now as Sod’s Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Russell’s Right: If it succeeds, it is right. If it fails, it is wrong.

I added two of my own:

Curmudgeon’s Law #1: To a fire department, there is no such thing as a “little fire.” (from personal experience)
Curmudgeon’s Law #2: Nothing is impossible so long as you don’t have to do it.