Selections from my upcoming cookbook:
Heart-attack Free Dinner
I recently read an article called “Make yourself heart attack proof: Eat to Your Heart’s Content.” The article went on to say that the “single most important step you can take for heart health starts with what you put on your plate.” It then listed nine food items that will help you in preventing a heart attack. Here is the list:
- Oranges (reduce blood pressure, cholesterol and heart failure)
- Kale (reduces atherosclerosis)
- Garlic (reduces blood pressure and plaque)
- Red wine (boosts HDL, reduces unwanted clotting)
- Dark chocolate (reduces blood pressure)
- Sardines (lower triglycerides, raise HDL)
- Lentils (reduce blood pressure)
- Almonds (reduce LDL)
- Pomegranates (reduce atherosclerosis)
I figured that, if these items individually can reduce the chance of heart attacks, then collectively they should eradicate the possibility altogether. With your health in mind, and a great desire to emphasize red wine, I have compiled the “heart attack free dinner.”
Start with a salad of oranges, kale and garlic. Follow with lentil, almond and pomegranate soup. The main entrée consists of sardines and dark chocolate. There should be red wine in abundance throughout.
Live to be a hundred!
Spice up your life!
You can spice up any boring meal with the simple addition of a good, molten hot sauce. Your cereal, pancakes, peanut butter sandwiches, pasta or chicken noodle soup will never be the same. Don’t ease in with jalapeno, tabasco or cayenne; Go directly to the nuclear option – habanero. Here are a few choice selections, all from Pendery’s Spices:
- Colon Cleaner
- Hemorrhoid Helper
- Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
- Liquid Napalm
- Rectum Ripper
And my two personal favoites:
- Jump Into an Open Grave
- Weapons of Ass Destruction.
Whatever other ills you have will be forgotten once you finish a meal with one of these hot sauces and your insides approach temperatures found on the surface of Mercury.
Show your stomach who’s boss!
And, finally, the pièce de résistance …
Scotch and Doughnuts
- 1 bottle single malt scotch
- 1 dozen doughnuts
- At least 1 friend
I can think of no finer way to start a weekend than good scotch, good doughnuts and the company of good friends. I was once an auxiliary member of an organization dubbed the Scotch and Doughnut Society. Each weekend, they gathered together around 8 or 9 am with the above ingredients and spent a blissful and mindless Saturday reminiscing about God knows what. [The doughnuts should be fresh.]
Next time, I will give you my recipe for Chicken Chernobyl, an updated version of Chicken Kiev. First, heat the chicken to two million degrees …