Tag Archives: Donald Trump

So Donald Trump Walks into a Bar…

 

(With a nod to idiotprufs and List of X).

so-donald

So Donald Trump walks into a bar…

  1. and denies he ever walked into a bar.
  2. orders a drink from the bartender and tells her she would not look like a pig if she lost 20 pounds.
  3. says he knows how to drink and drinks only the best drinks.
  4. doesn’t want to be braggadocious but he likes his drinks bigly.
  5. demands that everyone except the white guys be stopped and frisked.
  6. blames Hillary Clinton for the spilled liquor and the crushed peanut shells on the floor.
  7. says that his entrance into the bar was the best entrance ever. Ever, ever, ever.
  8. requests that all Mexicans leave the bar and then re-enter it legally.
  9. runs up a tab and says that he will pay it once the audit of the tab is complete.
  10. not sure that he will pay the tab anyway because he didn’t get the service he expected.

 

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Citizenship Test

Citizenship Test

citizenship1

 

With a national election upcoming in the United States, I have been wondering how much the average American knows about the rights of U.S. citizenship. Naturalized citizens are required to pass a citizenship test (see link ) but those of us born as American citizens have no such requirement.  I think it is time that ALL Americans, if they want to be called Americans, stand up and take a test to prove that they are indeed true-blue one hundred percent U.S. citizens.

Ergo (meaning more pompous than therefore), I offer the Curmudgeon-at-Large True-Blue United States Citizenship Test.


 

  1. What are the last words of the national anthem?
  • a) Of Thee I Sing
  • b) God Save the Queen
  • c) And the Home of the Brave
  • d) Play Ball

2.What is the first question asked by a defense attorney to his client?

  • a) Are you guilty?
  • b) Are you innocent?
  • c) How much money have you got?
  • d) Want some crack?

3. What is the proper drink for the Fourth of July?

  • a) Pabst Blue Ribbon
  • b) Bourbon
  • c) Cosmopolitan
  • d) All of the above

4. Where was President Barak Obama born?

  • a) Illinois
  • b) Hawaii
  • c) Kansas
  • d) Kenya

5. Where was Donald Trump born?

  • a) New York
  • b) Florida
  • c) In a galaxy far, far away
  • d) He wasn’t born; he was hatched.

6. Which person below is NOT true-blue one hundred percent American?

a)     Citizenship2.jpg                      b) citizenship3

c)       citizenship4             d)  citizenship5

7. What do you do when go into a voting booth?

  • a) Vote for the candidates of your choice
  • b) Vote for the candidates you were paid to vote for
  • c) Look for hidden cameras
  • d) Relieve yourself

8. In the event no candidate for President of the United States receives the required number of electoral votes, who chooses the next president?

  • a) Congress
  • b) World Wrestling Federation
  • c) Some unknown guy hidden in Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming
  • d) Highest bidder

9. What are the three branches of government?

  • a) Olive, birch and palm
  • b) Huey, Dewey and Louie
  • c) Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous
  • d) It doesn’t matter, they’re all crooks.

10. Match the statement to the president.

a) I am not a crook. George H.W. Bush
b) I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Richard Nixon
c) Read my lips. Lyndon Johnson
d) Gerald Ford can’t piss and chew gum at the same time. Bill Clinton

11. What are the first words a foreign-speaking naturalized citizen should understand when entering the United States?

  • a) Welcome to America.
  • b) Stay in your lane.
  • c) You have the right to remain silent.
  • d) Attention, Kmart shoppers!

12. How often does the United States Constitution get changed?

  • a) Every four years
  • b)Every two years and four months
  • c) Whenever an amendment is ratified by three-fourths of the states
  • d) When it gets dirty

————————————————————–

To get your results, please place your answers, a self-addressed stamped envelope and $500 in cash (preferably small bills) in a sealed envelope and mail it to:

  • True-Blue United States Citizenship Test
  • 123 Main St.
  • East Jesus, TX 88808

You will receive the answers that you deserve.

Your welcome, America!

A Statue for The Donald

According to CNN, “Donald Trump may have just clinched the delegates necessary for the GOP nomination, but he already has his sights on a larger prize — immortality in the nation’s capital.  Trump — who made his wealth in part from the branding of his name — said he wouldn’t mind seeing his surname on a statue in Washington, D.C., one day.”

With this thought in mind, your obliging curmudgeon has prepared a statue befitting The Donald complete with a motto:

TS1

The Donald Trump: Yet Another Horse’s Ass in Washington.

Sirius-ly

What do George W. Bush, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Waco Texas biker gangs and most dogs have in common?  They all receive messages from Sirius, the Dog Star.

Sirius1

Have you ever noticed how dogs will stop and tilt their heads to one side with a quizzical look?  They are receiving instructions from Sirius.  My new little puppy assumes this stance before going into psycho-puppy mode.  Eventually, she is ordered, by extra-terrestrial powers, to relax and assume the adorable puppy mode.

George W. Bush assumed a similar position before he was instructed to invade Iraq.

Sirius2

Yes, you read it here first.  Bush 43 did not decide on his own to invade Iraq; he was ordered to do so by forces in the universe.

Sometimes the orders get mixed up.  Not a month ago, several would be presidential candidates were caught attempting to lick their privates while, on the same day, a bunch of dogs declared their candidacy for President of the United States.  Donald Trump got both orders simultaneously.

Sirius3

Anthony Weiner received a similar mixed up message which instructed him to do different things with his – uh – thing.

And then there is the leader of Russia, one Vladimir Putin.  Is it not more than coincidence that Putin and a Russian wolfhound look alike?  Both have “dog star receiver” written all over their faces.  Both have the mannerisms and actions to support this theory.

Sirius4

When Putin mysteriously disappeared for a period a time, the journals were abuzz with rumors about his absence – a coup, super-secret negotiations or a covert liaison?  No, he was getting a much-needed flea bath and toe trim ordered by interstellar forces.

Then there is the supreme leader of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un.

Sirius5

There is no comparable picture of a dog because 1) it’s disrespectful to all dogs and 2) Kim would have the dog convicted of disloyalty, executed and then eaten.

Last, and certainly least, are the biker gangs of Waco, Texas.  You probably concluded that the recent deadly incident involving a bunch of biker gangs revolved around drugs, alcohol and high testosterone levels.  Wrong!  They were actually fighting over the economic policies of the former late president of France, Valery Giscard D’Estaing.  At the same time, at an economic summit, economists fought over a dog bone.

These stated items are just a few of the many occurrences that have been influenced by forces from outer space.  In fact, this phenomenon is so common that I am amazed it has not been canonized into law.

It is not known what intent the Sirius forces have in mind.  Are they:

  • Planning a full-scale invasion?
  • Just fooling with our minds?
  • Testing their version of the emergency broadcast system?
  • Attempting to enroll in Obamacare?
  • Creating their own type of intergalactic PlayStation?
  • Playing interstellar fantasy space balls?

No one knows.  Unless you know.  Of course, you may be receiving orders as well.