Tag Archives: Dr. Phil

Advice for the Disagreeable

Advice2Mark Twain said that nothing needs improving so much as other peoples’ habits.  I’m tired of hearing about how to live my life and ways to improve it.  I am inundated with advice on radio and TV (Dr. Phil and his ilk) from experts who have nothing better to do but tell me how to enhance my life experience.  I swear that you can get better suggestions from a deck of Tarot cards or a Chinese fortune cookie.  If I want advice, I’ll ask myself for it.  So I did and created my own radio show:   Advice for the Disagreeable – Ask Dr. Cur.

“Welcome to the Dr. Cur show where we give advice for the disagreeable from the disagreeable.  If you are foolish enough to take our advice, then we are foolish enough to give it to you.  And now here’s our first caller.”

Caller #1:  None of the girls at school or work will go out with me.  What’s wrong?

  • Dr. Cur:  They’re not your type.  They’re not inflatable.

Caller #2:  All my friends say that I have the personality of wet cardboard and that I am a loser.  What do you think, Dr. Cur?

  • Dr. Cur:  I’ll go with the majority.  They’re right.

Caller #3:  I may not have the talent of others but I think, with enough hard work and persistence, I can grow up to be somebody.

  • Dr. Cur:  You can.  You just need to be more specific.

Caller #4:  Today, on the ground, I found a four-leaf clover, a rabbit’s foot and a penny.  What does this mean?  Is this my lucky day?

  • Dr. Cur:  It means that you have greatly increased your chances of getting a communicable disease.

Caller #5:  Why are the police arresting me?  I didn’t beat my wife; ghosts did it.1

  • Dr. Cur:  The police are also ghosts.

1From newsoxy, January 24, 2012:  A Wisconsin man was arrested for domestic violence but he told police that a ghost beat his wife over financial problems and that he had nothing to do with it.

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“And now here’s a word from our sponsor, Dr. Cur’s Chinese Misfortune Cookies©.  Stop accepting those ridiculous platitudes on all other fortune cookies.  Accept life for what it is.  Here are a few samples:

  • Today will turn out to be boring; so will tomorrow.
  • You or someone you know must cut back on sugar or salt.
  • At least two days this week will be a waste.
  • It is better to be rich, strong and handsome than to be poor, weak and ugly.
  • Give everyone at your office a break; sleep in tomorrow.
  • The food at this restaurant is overpriced and mediocre.
  • Al’s Mortgage.  Lowest rates in town.  Guaranteed.  Call 1-800-LOWRATES.
  • The person who made this cookie did not wash his hands.

Well, that’s it for today but tune in tomorrow when we will discuss how to dress for disagreement.  And remember, stay disagreeable.”

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Note to readers:  Feel free to add you own Chinese Misfortune Cookie© saying.

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Inner Peace and a Robot

From time to time, I receive jokes from a friend of a friend of a friend.  These two are worth repeating.  If anyone knows the origin, I will happily give an attribution.

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.  By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.  Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake (about half), some Doritos, the rest of a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of fine scotch.

You have no idea how good I feel right now.
You too can find inner peace.

The Lie Detector Robot

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.  He decides to test it at dinner.

“Son, where were you today?”

The son says “at school dad.”

Robot slaps the son!

“Ok, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!” the son says.

“What DVD?” asks the father.

“Toy Story.”

Robot slaps the son again!

“Ok, it was a porno” cries the son.

“What!?  When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was” says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mom laughs “HaHaHa! He’s certainly your son.”

Robot slaps the mom!

Awkward silence…….