We have a pleasant Yorkie, a likable, lovable, spoiled little seven pound creature. An affectionate doggie who loves to cuddle and play and look cute.
She likes to spend the day nestled in your lap when, without warning, she
How badly does she fart, you might ask? Badly enough to knock a buzzard off an open garbage truck. Badly enough to call out an emergency hazmat team. Badly enough to make your eyes water, your nose run and your skin itch. THAT’s how badly she farts. Her farts are thermonuclear. Actually, they are more akin to a neutron bomb in that they are stealth farts. They do their damage without leaving any trace or registering on any seismic device. It is inconceivable that such a small creature can wreak such olfactory havoc.
Not only does she fart spectacularly but she has the audacity to act as though someone else had performed the dirty deed. She jumps off your lap and looks around in amazement like a little girl caught in the act of breaking mommy’s vase and pretending it was done by her bad brother. (Our doggie has no brother, bad or otherwise, so the culprit must be a squirrel or a sparrow or maybe the mailman.)
Now such vile activity in a somewhat larger animal – a Saint Bernard or an English Mastiff or a Great Dane – might be understandable, though not any more pleasant, but a seven pound Yorkie?! Pound for pound this has to be one of the most intense effusions of odor imaginable. If this odor was pleasant rather than, well, odoriferous, I could foresee bottling it as Chanel Yorkie, rather than as something best called Essence of Open Sewer Rotting Fish.
Now you might think our doggie is offended by being described as a broken septic field on four paws. Not at all. She is, this very moment, waiting to jump back in my lap, nestle down and…
I am holding my breath.
Posted in Uncurmudgeonized
Tagged doggie, English Mastiff, farting, Great Dane, hazmat, humor, humour, neutron bomb, oderiferous, olfactory havoc, rants, Saint Bernard, stealth farts, thermonuclear, Yorkie
I was asked the other day what my pet peeves were. After a few minutes, the person who asked realized the painful mistake of asking a curmudgeon for a list of pet peeves. Now, we can name Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and CNN but these pet peeves are individual and personal. Death and taxes are inevitable. I believe that pet peeves should be generic and universal.
Here are a few of mine. Thousands more to follow.
- Robo-calls and telemarketers
- Butt cracks
- People who invade your personal space when talking to you
- Stealth farters, especially in elevators
- All reality TV shows
- The guy who leaves the restroom smelling so bad it would knock a buzzard off a garbage truck
- The lady ahead of you in the checkout line who waits until all her items have been totaled before looking for her wallet (Did she think that the items would be free?)
- All waiters who wait until your mouth is full to ask you how your meal is
- Bad grammar
- People who found Jesus (Was Jesus ever lost?)
- People who come up to you and say “Smile!” (I’m a curmudgeon; smiling isn’t permitted unless the person saying “Smile!” falls into an open manhole.)
- Public nose pickers and crotch scratchers (Yes, I’m guilty but at least I try to do these ugly things in private.)
- Parents who abandon their uncontrolled children in stores, malls, movie theaters until you discipline the kids and the parents suddenly appear and act indignant.
- Drivers who take up two parking spaces
- The guy next to you who coughs continually on a non-stop flight from NYC to Buenos Aries
- The lady at the dining table next to you whose piercing shriek of a laugh would break glass (and eardrums)
- All commercials or ads involving the digestive system
- Born again anything (Please stay dead.)
- The phrase “Can I give you some advice?”
- People who make lists of pet peeves.
I know that you are itching to tell me your pet peeves so go ahead, I dare you; I double dare you; I triple dare you. (Yes, that’s another pet peeve.)
Posted in Curmudgeonry
Tagged advice, butt crack, coughing, dares, farting, humor, humour, lists, pet peeves, rants, restrooms, Smile!, stuff, telemarketers