Fifty Shades of Grumpy Reviews

 

I really got excited about turning my idea for Fifty Shades of Grumpy into a novel.  It could even become a major motion picture!

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I already had the basic formula sketched out.  I then turned that sketch into an outline.  Finally I set to work on a preliminary draft.  Before going any further I thought it best to send the draft to selected reviewers to get input.  I got back some of their comments and I see that I need to do a little more work.

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I have never read anything like it and hope I never do again.                            –New York Times

 

If you only read one book this year, don’t make it this one.                  –Washington Post

 

This is a book for which the words “out of print” will be a blessing.           –Chicago Tribune

 

Spectacular!  Sexy and erotic!  Brilliant!  A sensational read!                             These are the words I would use to describe some other book but not this one. –Los Angeles Times

 

The book should be made of toilet paper so that it would at least be useful for something.                                                                                                                    –Barron’s

 

Thinking of all the starving children in the world is preferable to reading this nonsense.                                                                                                                             –The Wall Street Journal

 

This book sucks!                                                                                                                    –Rolling Stone

 

Mixing the book with sewage would improve it.                                                         –The New York Review of Books

 

Yet another indication that America never mastered the English language. –Guardian (UK)

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The critics have spoken, the bastards!

Fifty Shades of Grumpy,                                                                                               NOT coming to a book store near you anytime soon;                                             NOT to be a major motion picture.

Sigh.

Fifty Review2

Fifty Shades of Grumpy

 

I am looking for volunteers to fulfill my deepest fantasy – a fully compliant recipient of my endless complaining.

I will be your master: you will be my slave.  I will complain, bitch and moan at will: you will not be allowed to resist.

You will have to sign a 26 page agreement beforehand written entirely in indecipherable legalese in the smallest available font size.  You will then have to listen to me sing it back to you in its entirety off-key.

I will speak to you through a voice modulator so that my complaints will be heard by you in various unpleasant voices:

  1. Screech from Saved by the Bell
  2. Howard’s mother from The Big Bang Theory
  3. Marge Simpson
  4. The 38th Vice President of the United States, Hubert H. Humphrey
  5. Gilbert Gottfried

If you fail to heed my commands or stop listening attentively to my bitching and moaning or show the slightest degree of resistance, you will be subjected to various forms of torture:

  1. Participating in endless sessions of Richard Simmons’ workout tapes;
  2. Watching prerecorded sessions of Meet the Press starting with the original series from the 1950’s with Lawrence E. Spivak;
  3. Listening to Donald Trump’s previous presidential campaign speeches;
  4. Reading all of Tori Spelling’s “books;”
  5. Sitting in a public restroom stall yelling “I am not committing an unnatural act” over and over.

In order to speak, you will first have to ask permission by crossing your knees and your eyes, doubling over in an expression of pain, raising your right hand and pointing at your crotch with your left hand.  This is also the method you will employ when requesting a bathroom break.

I may, from time to time, have you dress up in different attire of my choosing.  Some examples are:

  1. Captain Kangaroo
  2. Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady
  3. Lurch
  4. The Hunchback of Notre Dame
  5. Queen Victoria

Your reward for your participation will be to receive an autographed copy of my upcoming book Fifty Shades of Grumpy at a discounted price.

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You’re welcome.