The US’s problems seem insurmountable: disagreements over gun control, immigration, the deficit, taxes, right-to-life, loss of religious values, global warming, and sexual abuse. Can anything solve these seemingly insurmountable problems?
There is nothing that cannot be fixed with the proper application of duct tape. I use it to fix everything – leaks in my roof, leaks in my car, leaks in my pants, financial failure and noisy grandchildren. Proper application of this ubiquitous material can resolve any and all crises.
Duct tape applied to every member of Congress, the President, all governors, state and local legislators as well as all news commentators would silence the unending war of words and require them all to resort to hand gestures and written statements. Derogatory hand gestures can also be stopped by duct tape as well.
Overuse of social media can be remedied by applying duct tape to all electronic devices like TV screens, monitors and smart phones.
Duct tape can fix – broken pipes, broken windows, broken arrows, broken hearts, broken necks, compound fractures, hyphenated words, misplaced modifiers, discordant harmonics, nasal drip and whistling, loose dentures, loose teeth, loose lips, holes in your socks, holes in your shoes, holes in your ceiling, holes in your head, squeaky floorboards, squeaky doors, squeaky neighbors, bumpers, fenders, hood ornaments, trailer hitches, diesel locomotives, and Boeing 777’s.
Just imagine what $100B worth of duct tape can do to improve our deteriorating infrastructure. Rusting bridges, potholes the size of a compact car, warped train tracks? No problem!
Why spend $50B for an unnecessary wall between the US and Mexico when we can just duct tape the border shut. Duct tape is waterproof so taping over the Rio Grande is no impediment.
Lawyers, ambulance chasers, debt collectors, used car salesmen? Duct tape!
Inaction by Congress, unduly long NFL replay analysis, unfair trade tariffs? Duct tape!
Unruly children, yapping dogs, unwanted relatives? Duct tape!
Sexual abuse, serial murderers, run-on sentences? Duct tape!
Arthritis, bunions, hemorrhoids, hair loss? You guessed it; Duct tape!