Tag Archives: humor

Our Sweet Yorkie

We have a pleasant Yorkie, a likable, lovable, spoiled little seven pound creature.  An affectionate doggie who loves to cuddle and play and look cute.

473

She likes to spend the day nestled in your lap when, without warning, she

FARTS!

How badly does she fart, you might ask?  Badly enough to knock a buzzard off an open garbage truck.  Badly enough to call out an emergency hazmat team.  Badly enough to make your eyes water, your nose run and your skin itch.  THAT’s how badly she farts.  Her farts are thermonuclear.  Actually, they are more akin to a neutron bomb in that they are stealth farts.  They do their damage without leaving any trace or registering on any seismic device.  It is inconceivable that such a small creature can wreak such olfactory havoc.

Not only does she fart spectacularly but she has the audacity to act as though someone else had performed the dirty deed.  She jumps off your lap and looks around in amazement like a little girl caught in the act of breaking mommy’s vase and pretending it was done by her bad brother.  (Our doggie has no brother, bad or otherwise, so the culprit must be a squirrel or a sparrow or maybe the mailman.)

Now such vile activity in a somewhat larger animal – a Saint Bernard or an English Mastiff or a Great Dane  – might be understandable, though not any more pleasant, but a seven pound Yorkie?!  Pound for pound this has to be one of the most intense effusions of odor imaginable.  If this odor was pleasant rather than, well, odoriferous, I could foresee bottling it as Chanel Yorkie, rather than as something best called Essence of Open Sewer Rotting Fish.

Now you might think our doggie is offended by being described as a broken septic field on four paws.  Not at all.  She is, this very moment, waiting to jump back in my lap, nestle down and…

Our sweet yorkie

I am holding my breath.

Advertisements

Ordering Pizza

FOAF has found another winner.  It undoubtedly appears elsewhere but, like pizza, is too good to pass up.

Ordering pizza

CALLER:  Is this Gordon’s Pizza?  
 
GOOGLE:  No sir, it’s Google Pizza.  
 
CALLER:  I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry. 
 
GOOGLE:  No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
 
CALLER:  OK.  I would like to order a pizza.
 
GOOGLE:  Do you want your usual, sir?
 
CALLER:  My usual? You know me?
 
GOOGLE:  According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. 
 
CALLER:  OK! That’s what I want …
 
GOOGLE:  May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? 
 
CALLER:  What? I detest vegetables!
 
GOOGLE:  Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
CALLER:  How the hell do you know!
 
GOOGLE:  Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. 
 
CALLER:  Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
GOOGLE:  Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. 
 
CALLER:  I bought more from another drugstore.
 
GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
 
CALLER:  I paid in cash.
 
GOOGLE:  But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
 
CALLER:  I have other sources of cash.
 
GOOGLE:  That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
 
CALLER:  WHAT THE HELL!!!
 
GOOGLE:  I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
 
CALLER:  Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
 
GOOGLE:  I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

Duct Tape

 

The US’s problems seem insurmountable: disagreements over gun control, immigration, the deficit, taxes, right-to-life, loss of religious values, global warming, and sexual abuse.  Can anything solve these seemingly insurmountable problems?

Two words:

Duct tape

Duct Tape

There is nothing that cannot be fixed with the proper application of duct tape.  I use it to fix everything – leaks in my roof, leaks in my car, leaks in my pants, financial failure and noisy grandchildren.  Proper application of this ubiquitous material can resolve any and all crises.

Duct tape applied to every member of Congress, the President, all governors, state and local legislators as well as all news commentators would silence the unending war of words and require them all to resort to hand gestures and written statements.  Derogatory hand gestures can also be stopped by duct tape as well.

Overuse of social media can be remedied by applying duct tape to all electronic devices like TV screens, monitors and smart phones.

Duct tape can fix – broken pipes, broken windows, broken arrows, broken hearts, broken necks, compound fractures, hyphenated words, misplaced modifiers, discordant harmonics, nasal drip and whistling, loose dentures, loose teeth, loose lips, holes in your socks, holes in your shoes, holes in your ceiling, holes in your head, squeaky floorboards, squeaky doors, squeaky neighbors, bumpers, fenders, hood ornaments, trailer hitches, diesel locomotives, and Boeing 777’s.

Just imagine what $100B worth of duct tape can do to improve our deteriorating infrastructure.  Rusting bridges, potholes the size of a compact car, warped train tracks?  No problem!

Why spend $50B for an unnecessary wall between the US and Mexico when we can just duct tape the border shut.  Duct tape is waterproof so taping over the Rio Grande is no impediment.

Lawyers, ambulance chasers, debt collectors, used car salesmen?  Duct tape!

Inaction by Congress, unduly long NFL replay analysis, unfair trade tariffs?  Duct tape!

Unruly children, yapping dogs, unwanted relatives?  Duct tape!

Sexual abuse, serial murderers, run-on sentences? Duct tape!

Arthritis, bunions, hemorrhoids, hair loss?  You guessed it; Duct tape!

 

Bar Jokes for English Majors

 

I am once again thankful to FOAF (friend of a friend).  These are too good not to post.  They come from the bluebird of bitterness blog and the image from the story reading ape blog to which I give credit.*

Bar jokes english major

 

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

 

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

 

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

 

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

 

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

 

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

 

A question mark walks into a bar?

 

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

 

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

 

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

 

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

 

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

 

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

 

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

 

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

 

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

 

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

 

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

 

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

 

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

 

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

 

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

 

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

 

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

 

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

 

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 


*A footnote reference walks into a bar and has no cash.  The bartender gives him credit.

Toilets for the Half-Assed

 

I am once again indebted to A Frank Angle for the inspiration (if you want to call it that) for this post.  He noticed that a number of my headers featured toilets that were, for lack of a better phrase, architecturally challenged.  It turns out that there is no limit to the questionable ways that people will install a device of necessity in the home.  Whoever said “Don’t start vast plans with half-vast ideas” never encountered these half-assed plans.  To wit:

desktop-1406690709

Someone told the contractor that they wanted a Jack-and-Jill bathroom to be shared between two bedrooms.

 

cropped-toilet1.jpg

Why should the inconvenience of a small house restrict you from having a full-sized toilet?

 

Toilet window

Nothing says luxury like a toilet with a view through a sliding glass door.

 

Toilet paper in tub

The soap dish in your tub can serve as both a soap dispenser and a toilet paper dispenser.  It’s that waterproof toilet paper though that makes this plan so costly.

 

Stained glass toilet

When visitors arrive at your house, especially after a long ride, they often first ask to use the loo.  With this design, you need not worry about complicated directions to get to the facilities.  The full length (see through) stained glass window is an extra added touch.

 

Dining room toilet

No longer will you have to interrupt dinner conversations when one of your guests needs to use the bathroom.  It’s right there within earshot.

I admit that the last idea is not one that actually exists (yet) but originated with none other than Homer Simpson.  You’re sitting comfortably on the back patio, having a nice glass or two of wine in your wine seat when nature unexpectedly calls.  Why go through the effort of finding the facilities when, with a little modification, you can conveniently stay in place and, in the words of Homer, “Let ‘er rip.”

wine seat     wine toilet seat

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I gotta go.