Tag Archives: Mark Twain

The End

The End

Although I am not at death’s door, there are those moments when I can see the door from here.  To prepare for the Day of Atonement, I have a few requests for my all my loved ones (family and friends).

First, don’t say “He passed.”  I died.  Saying “He passed” sounds like I had a bad urinary experience or an unhappy encounter with cannibals.

“Two cannibalistic ship captains passed each other in the night.”

Second, don’t say “He is in a better place.”  Repeated requests to all Abrahamic religions – Judaism, Christianity, and Islam – have produced diddly squat so there is no corroboration for this assertion.  You can say that I am in good company.

“You go to Heaven for the scenery and hell for the company.” –Mark Twain

I may have better luck with Buddhists because a Zen Buddhist pizza guy once said he would make me one with everything.

Third, please do not have responses say anything about resting in peace.  I have no such intention.  For eternity, I plan to pester, bother, aggravate and, in general, annoy anyone who ever incurred my wrath.

“Agitate, agitate, agitate.” –Frederick Douglass

If you wish to delay the inevitable arrival of death’s door at the end, you can listen to the interminable The End by The Doors:

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Advice for the Disagreeable

Advice2Mark Twain said that nothing needs improving so much as other peoples’ habits.  I’m tired of hearing about how to live my life and ways to improve it.  I am inundated with advice on radio and TV (Dr. Phil and his ilk) from experts who have nothing better to do but tell me how to enhance my life experience.  I swear that you can get better suggestions from a deck of Tarot cards or a Chinese fortune cookie.  If I want advice, I’ll ask myself for it.  So I did and created my own radio show:   Advice for the Disagreeable – Ask Dr. Cur.

“Welcome to the Dr. Cur show where we give advice for the disagreeable from the disagreeable.  If you are foolish enough to take our advice, then we are foolish enough to give it to you.  And now here’s our first caller.”

Caller #1:  None of the girls at school or work will go out with me.  What’s wrong?

  • Dr. Cur:  They’re not your type.  They’re not inflatable.

Caller #2:  All my friends say that I have the personality of wet cardboard and that I am a loser.  What do you think, Dr. Cur?

  • Dr. Cur:  I’ll go with the majority.  They’re right.

Caller #3:  I may not have the talent of others but I think, with enough hard work and persistence, I can grow up to be somebody.

  • Dr. Cur:  You can.  You just need to be more specific.

Caller #4:  Today, on the ground, I found a four-leaf clover, a rabbit’s foot and a penny.  What does this mean?  Is this my lucky day?

  • Dr. Cur:  It means that you have greatly increased your chances of getting a communicable disease.

Caller #5:  Why are the police arresting me?  I didn’t beat my wife; ghosts did it.1

  • Dr. Cur:  The police are also ghosts.

1From newsoxy, January 24, 2012:  A Wisconsin man was arrested for domestic violence but he told police that a ghost beat his wife over financial problems and that he had nothing to do with it.

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“And now here’s a word from our sponsor, Dr. Cur’s Chinese Misfortune Cookies©.  Stop accepting those ridiculous platitudes on all other fortune cookies.  Accept life for what it is.  Here are a few samples:

  • Today will turn out to be boring; so will tomorrow.
  • You or someone you know must cut back on sugar or salt.
  • At least two days this week will be a waste.
  • It is better to be rich, strong and handsome than to be poor, weak and ugly.
  • Give everyone at your office a break; sleep in tomorrow.
  • The food at this restaurant is overpriced and mediocre.
  • Al’s Mortgage.  Lowest rates in town.  Guaranteed.  Call 1-800-LOWRATES.
  • The person who made this cookie did not wash his hands.

Well, that’s it for today but tune in tomorrow when we will discuss how to dress for disagreement.  And remember, stay disagreeable.”

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Note to readers:  Feel free to add you own Chinese Misfortune Cookie© saying.

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