Tag Archives: politics

Presidential Curmudgeon Portraits

 

A man can dream, can’t he?

If the United States can elect its oldest president, a man with no political background or experience, why can’t it elect a true elderly curmudgeon?  I can envision the day when, despite the (incorrect) prognoses of all the pundits, I sit in the Oval Office and determine whicih presidential portraits I get to hang on the walls.

I decided that I would pick a curmudgeonly president from each century.

The eighteenth century gives me only two choices – George Washington and John Adams.  Adams is the obvious choice.  He had no slaves; he considered his wife, Abigail, as his equal and he was, by all accounts, a true pain-in-the-ass.  The result is immediate elevation to curmudgeon status.

Presidential1

Although the nineteenth century has many choices, there really is only one:  Lincoln.  Abraham Lincoln was affected by depression, had a true black sense of humor and was, as I have often said, the greatest prose poet of the nineteenth century.  Alternate choices may include Jackson, Cleveland and McKinley but these pale in comparison.  Nope, Lincoln is my choice.

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The twentieth century also has many choices.  Perhaps TR or Coolidge or LBJ but, again, they really don’t qualify as curmudgeons (in my humble opinion).  My first and clear choice is Harry S Truman (no period after the S. The S stood for nothing; Truman felt the need to have a middle initial.)  Despite the critics who point to his dropping of the A-bomb on Hiroshima, Truman accomplished many achievements during his presidency (or presidentiary, as Will Ferrell pointed out playing the role of George W. Bush);

  • Creation of the UN and NATO
  • The Truman Doctrine (which stopped the communist threat to Greece and Turkey)
  • The Marshall Plan
  • The Berlin Airlift
  • Establishment of the NSC, CIA and NSA
  • Ended racial segregation in the US armed forces
  • Legislation to allow immigration of 200,000 refugees from World War II

He also had time to pen and mail (by hand) a letter to Paul Hume, who was critical of his daughter’s concert performance.

“Some day I hope to meet you.  When that happens you’ll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below!”

Immediate elevation to curmudgeon status.

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For the twentieth-first century, we have only three choices – George W. Bush, Barak Obama and Donald Trump.  The first two are disqualified as being too cheerful.  The third is disqualified, period.  The Donald is many things but being a curmudgeon is not among them.  We have only started the century so we will have to wait on the fourth portrait.  It could be mine.

Grumpy_Curmudgeon3

 

In the meantime, let me say to my fellow Americans…

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Election Postmortem

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“Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.”

-Thomas Jefferson

 

“And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?”

-W. B. Yeats

 

“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

-H. L. Mencken

For this election, I’ve got a little list.

With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan.  To the tune of I’ve Got a Little List from The Mikado.  Chorus is in Bold Italics.

for-this-election1

Martyn Green as Ko-Ko, 1930s

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found, I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list.

Of society offenders who might well be underground, and who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

The lady whose email servers have problems of their own

Thirty-three thousand disappear like a stone.

There’s the party outsider who praises in raucous tones

Every party but his and every country but his own.

And the election outcome denialists,

They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!

 

He’s got ’em on the list — he’s got ’em on the list;

And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed.

 

Apologists, deniers, spin room activists,

Irrational supporters who get me really pissed.

All TV journalists who speaks as though listeners care

And the other ones who claim to be balanced and fair.

The dead who vote Democrat but that theory is not sound,

For you see, Mayor Giuliani, they are already underground.

WikiLeaks, tax returns, foundation donations and grants

And all those fanatics who substitute enthusiasm for facts.

And that singular anomaly, the lady plagiarist — I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not he missed!

 

He’s got her on the list — he’s got her on the list;

And I don’t think she’ll be missed — I’m sure she’ll not be missed!

 

There’s the pestilential congressmen who give democracy a pass.

The judicial obstructionists who are running out of gas.

And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,

Who defend outrageous statements by saying – “Oh, never mind.”

Third party candidates without a world view

The little, lyin’, disgusting, crooked, low-energy crew

Bad hombres, nasty women and also you-know-who

The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.

But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,

For they’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!

 

You may put ’em on the list — you may put ’em on the list;

And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed!

So Donald Trump Walks into a Bar…

 

(With a nod to idiotprufs and List of X).

so-donald

So Donald Trump walks into a bar…

  1. and denies he ever walked into a bar.
  2. orders a drink from the bartender and tells her she would not look like a pig if she lost 20 pounds.
  3. says he knows how to drink and drinks only the best drinks.
  4. doesn’t want to be braggadocious but he likes his drinks bigly.
  5. demands that everyone except the white guys be stopped and frisked.
  6. blames Hillary Clinton for the spilled liquor and the crushed peanut shells on the floor.
  7. says that his entrance into the bar was the best entrance ever. Ever, ever, ever.
  8. requests that all Mexicans leave the bar and then re-enter it legally.
  9. runs up a tab and says that he will pay it once the audit of the tab is complete.
  10. not sure that he will pay the tab anyway because he didn’t get the service he expected.

 

Citizenship Test

Citizenship Test

citizenship1

 

With a national election upcoming in the United States, I have been wondering how much the average American knows about the rights of U.S. citizenship. Naturalized citizens are required to pass a citizenship test (see link ) but those of us born as American citizens have no such requirement.  I think it is time that ALL Americans, if they want to be called Americans, stand up and take a test to prove that they are indeed true-blue one hundred percent U.S. citizens.

Ergo (meaning more pompous than therefore), I offer the Curmudgeon-at-Large True-Blue United States Citizenship Test.


 

  1. What are the last words of the national anthem?
  • a) Of Thee I Sing
  • b) God Save the Queen
  • c) And the Home of the Brave
  • d) Play Ball

2.What is the first question asked by a defense attorney to his client?

  • a) Are you guilty?
  • b) Are you innocent?
  • c) How much money have you got?
  • d) Want some crack?

3. What is the proper drink for the Fourth of July?

  • a) Pabst Blue Ribbon
  • b) Bourbon
  • c) Cosmopolitan
  • d) All of the above

4. Where was President Barak Obama born?

  • a) Illinois
  • b) Hawaii
  • c) Kansas
  • d) Kenya

5. Where was Donald Trump born?

  • a) New York
  • b) Florida
  • c) In a galaxy far, far away
  • d) He wasn’t born; he was hatched.

6. Which person below is NOT true-blue one hundred percent American?

a)     Citizenship2.jpg                      b) citizenship3

c)       citizenship4             d)  citizenship5

7. What do you do when go into a voting booth?

  • a) Vote for the candidates of your choice
  • b) Vote for the candidates you were paid to vote for
  • c) Look for hidden cameras
  • d) Relieve yourself

8. In the event no candidate for President of the United States receives the required number of electoral votes, who chooses the next president?

  • a) Congress
  • b) World Wrestling Federation
  • c) Some unknown guy hidden in Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming
  • d) Highest bidder

9. What are the three branches of government?

  • a) Olive, birch and palm
  • b) Huey, Dewey and Louie
  • c) Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous
  • d) It doesn’t matter, they’re all crooks.

10. Match the statement to the president.

a) I am not a crook. George H.W. Bush
b) I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Richard Nixon
c) Read my lips. Lyndon Johnson
d) Gerald Ford can’t piss and chew gum at the same time. Bill Clinton

11. What are the first words a foreign-speaking naturalized citizen should understand when entering the United States?

  • a) Welcome to America.
  • b) Stay in your lane.
  • c) You have the right to remain silent.
  • d) Attention, Kmart shoppers!

12. How often does the United States Constitution get changed?

  • a) Every four years
  • b)Every two years and four months
  • c) Whenever an amendment is ratified by three-fourths of the states
  • d) When it gets dirty

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To get your results, please place your answers, a self-addressed stamped envelope and $500 in cash (preferably small bills) in a sealed envelope and mail it to:

  • True-Blue United States Citizenship Test
  • 123 Main St.
  • East Jesus, TX 88808

You will receive the answers that you deserve.

Your welcome, America!