Tag Archives: restrooms

Pet Peeves

I was asked the other day what my pet peeves were. After a few minutes, the person who asked realized the painful mistake of asking a curmudgeon for a list of pet peeves.   Now, we can name Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and CNN but these pet peeves are individual and personal. Death and taxes are inevitable. I believe that pet peeves should be generic and universal.

Pet Peeves

Here are a few of mine. Thousands more to follow.

  1. Robo-calls and telemarketers
  2. Butt cracks
  3. People who invade your personal space when talking to you
  4. Stealth farters, especially in elevators
  5. All reality TV shows
  6. The guy who leaves the restroom smelling so bad it would knock a buzzard off a garbage truck
  7. The lady ahead of you in the checkout line who waits until all her items have been totaled before looking for her wallet (Did she think that the items would be free?)
  8. All waiters who wait until your mouth is full to ask you how your meal is
  9. Bad grammar
  10. People who found Jesus (Was Jesus ever lost?)
  11. People who come up to you and say “Smile!” (I’m a curmudgeon; smiling isn’t permitted unless the person saying “Smile!” falls into an open manhole.)
  12.  Public nose pickers and crotch scratchers (Yes, I’m guilty but at least I try to do these ugly things in private.)
  13.  Parents who abandon their uncontrolled children in stores, malls, movie theaters until you discipline the kids and the parents suddenly appear and act indignant.
  14. Drivers who take up two parking spaces
  15. The guy next to you who coughs continually on a non-stop flight from NYC to Buenos Aries
  16. The lady at the dining table next to you whose piercing shriek of a laugh would break glass (and eardrums)
  17. All commercials or ads involving the digestive system
  18. Born again anything (Please stay dead.)
  19. The phrase “Can I give you some advice?”
  20. People who make lists of pet peeves.

I know that you are itching to tell me your pet peeves so go ahead, I dare you; I double dare you; I triple dare you. (Yes, that’s another pet peeve.)

 

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When Nature Shouldn’t Call

 

“To what do you attribute this unexpected visit?”

This was the question posed to me by a clear but disembodied voice disturbing my reverie as I sat privately in my stall in the men’s room.

Well, other than it’s none of your business, nature would be my first response.  And it’s not really unexpected: it happens regularly all the time.  But before I could answer,  I got another intriguing question.

“Is there a way that you can prolong your stay?”

Now things were getting a little strange.  I wanted to point our that prolonging my stay was not in my, or other people’s, best interest.  I also wanted to stress that I did not extend my bathroom breaks as excuses to finish the New York Times crossword puzzle, for example.  Once again, before I could respond, the disembodied voice queried me once more.

“Is there some way that I can assist you in fulfilling your mission?”

Now we’ve gone from strange to terribly unsettling.  I had never considered nature’s call as a mission much less that I need the assistance of a total stranger to complete it.  Then suddenly, it all came clear:

“Okay then, we’ll convene a conference call tomorrow at 9 am sharp and look at all alternatives to keep our business with the new client.”

The man in the stall next to me was a businessman who saw no reason to interrupt his business call with a bathroom break.  Ah, the modern inconvenience of the cell phone.  I’m uncertain what the individual at the other end of the call thought about the background sounds during this conversation but I, for one,  am not keen on mixing business calls with nature’s call.

If all of the participants followed the lead of this businessman, I can only imagine what the conference call the following morning sounded like:

[Organizer]:  “Are we all on the call?”

{Sounds of stall doors closing and locking on the other end}

inconf1

[Organizer]:  “Okay, let’s begin.  Do we have an opinion on how to handle our new client?”

{Pffffffffffffffft!!}

[Organizer]:  After a pregnant pause, “Would you please clarify you statement?”

{Disgusting sound} followed by “I’d prefer not to.”

[Organizer]: ” Okay then, does anyone else have an opinion on how we treat our new client?”

{Disgusting sounds numbers 2, 3 and 4}

[Organizer]:  “Uh, can we take that to a vote?  All in favor of number 2?”

{Sounds of toilets flushing}

[Organizer]:  “The ayes have it.  Let’s all follow up with number 2.  This concludes our meeting; thank you all for attending.”

{Various inaudible sounds and murmurs.}