Tag Archives: sayings

Twisted Phrases

Twisted phrase

As people age, they worry about eye-hand coordination.  I’m beyond that.  I worry about eye-brain coordination.  My eyes and brain continue to play tricks on me.  Hence, the following set of normal phrases become twisted by my warped mind:

International House of Pancakes becomes International Hole of Pancakes.

Smoothies and Freshly Made Meals becomes Smoothies and Freshly Made Eels. (Nothing is worse than stale eels.)

Stunning Underwater Life = Stunning Underwear Life.

Best prom dresses for under $100 = Best porn dresses for under $100.

Vanity plate with JMP SHT = a basketball player saying jump shot.  To me, however, it’s jump shit?!

Someone else had a vanity plate saying SHTR BG.  This was a photographer saying shutterbug, but to me it was shitter big.  Why would you have shitter big as a vanity plate?  I guess it’s because BG SHTR was taken.

Cameron Diaz’s hot tips became Cameron Diaz’s hot lips.  Not much of jump here.

On an airplane flight, I noticed in my seat a sign that read “keep seat belts fastened when seated.”  Except I read it as “keep seat butts fastened when seated.”  (If your seat butt is unfastened, God only knows where it goes.)

“Want to spy on your wife?” became “Want to spray on your wife?”              (How do you do that exactly?)

VISA and MasterCard unveil slick new features = VISA and MasterCard unveil sick new features.  (Excessive use of credit cards can not only make you indebted but also ill.)

Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past hits = Another thing Madonna is bored with? People fixating on her past tits.             (As opposed to the current set?)

Man killed by falling tombstone while decorating family plot = Man killed by falling trombone while decorating family plot.  (I always felt that trombones in the wrong hands were dangerous.)

Here’s a fact check of his speech = Here’s a fart check of his speech.                 (The speech was offensive.)

Actress rude at book signing = Actress nude at book signing.                           (Good attendance.)

Radio show sex charges = radio show sex change.

Virginia is for lovers = Viagra is for lovers.

On an on it goes.  A warped mind is its own reward.  Have you any brain slip-ups recently?

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London Pub Signs

The British still have a way with words:

pub1 pub2 pub3 pub4 pub5 pub6 pub7 pub8 pub9 pub10 pub11 pub12 pub13 pub14 pub15

Are You Playing with a Full Deck?

Are you1

                       

I am often asked this question and clearly, I am not.

I can only think of the lyrics from The Statler Brothers’ song Flowers on the Wall:  “Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a stack of fifty one…”

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Statler+Brothers/_/Flowers+on+the+Wall

——————–

Suppose one of your friends has made a really bad choice – see Bad Decisions – or a series of unforced errors.

When your friend commits one of these questionable actions, whether from lack of intellectual prowess, a deficit of synaptic receptors, a shortage of morning caffeine or just general dumbness, what (politically incorrect) saying do you use when referring to said friend?

——————–

  • Not playing with a full deck of cards.
  • Not firing on all cylinders.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
  • Not the sharpest crayon in the box.
  • No grain in the silo.
  • The lights are on but nobody’s home.
  • The wheel is spinning but the hamster’s dead.
  • The train is running but the engineer is asleep at the wheel.
  • The elevator works but not to the top floor.
  • The engine is running but the gear is stuck in park.
  • A few bricks shy of a load.
  • One taco short of a combo platter.
  • A few clowns short of a circus.
  • A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  • A sandwich short of a picnic.
  • A couple pennies short of a nickel.
  • Got a screw loose.
  • Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
  • Has a leak in the ceiling.
  • Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
  • Gets mail at an unknown zip code.
  • Gets orders from a different planet.
  • Didn’t pay the brain bill.
  • Has room temperature IQ.
  • Their antenna does not pick up all the channels.
  • Their receiver is off the hook.
  • Their sewing machine’s out of thread.
  • Their belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
  • Their cord doesn’t quite reach the outlet.
  • Their ladder is missing a few rungs.

…and my favorite:

  • Their tray table and seat back are not in a fully upright and locked position immediately before landing and takeoff.

Any favorites of yours that I’ve missed?

There’s a Saying for That

The 1775 Restoration comedy, The Rivals, by Richard Sheridan introduced the humorous character, Mrs. Malaprop.  Her name comes from the French mal à propos, which means inappropriate.   A malapropism is defined as an absurd or humorous misuse of a word, especially by confusion with one of similar sound.

Mrs. Malaprop had nothing on my old buddy Ron.  Many years ago Ron and I worked for the same company.  Ron was an enthusiastic if slightly grammar-challenged salesman.  Just like the kids in the Art Linkletter show, he would say the darndest things.  Here are some samples.

At a sales review meeting, Ron was describing the recent flare up at one account and stated “that’s when the shit hit the fur.”  Ron tried to explain that this saying was an old hunting term.  I guess the hunters substituted fur for fans.

We were given a class on investments.  A company representative came around to explain stock options and how the options vested.  To which Ron asked “What’s the vestation period?”  Best answer?  Somewhere between ovulation and the maturity date.

One time he told a customer that “the only thing you’ve changed is two things.”

Another time he told a customer that he had “beaten a dead horse to death.”

Living between ages – after The Stone Age but before The Digital Age – I wrote these sayings down in longhand and tacked the page of sayings on the wall of my office.  Ron came into my office one day, looked at the list and claimed that he did not say these things.  I told him that it was not possible to make them up.

Regrettably, I lost the list long ago and rely upon my (most faulty) memory for the few that remain.  However, I’m sure you have a friend or relative like my old buddy Ron who is filled with strange sayings.   I would be curious to hear what they have said.