Father O’Grady
Father O’Grady, as he always does after his Sunday morning service, was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.
“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Father O’Grady.
“Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Mary.
“What is it, Mary?”
“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”
“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”
“Well, yes he did Father,” replied Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?”
Mary replied, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun.’ ”
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Older Senior Citizen but Still Sharp as a Tack
A senior citizen in Florida buys a brand new Mercedes convertible. He takes off down the road, floors it to 80 MPH and enjoys the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even harder. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing, siren blaring.
“I can get away …from him with no problem,” thought the man, as he bear down on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 MPH… 110… 120 MPH. Then he thought, “What am I doing… I’m too old for this kind of thing!”
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
Quotes about Scotch:
I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. –Humphrey Bogart
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle. –W.C. Fields
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. –George Burns
So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life? Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please. –Daniel Silva
One good thing about rain in Scotland. Most of it ends up as scotch. –Peter Alliss
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. –Rodney Dangerfield
Whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch. –Anne Taintor
the same. Don’t ease in with jalapeno, tabasco or cayenne; Go directly to the nuclear option – habanero. Here are a few choice selections, all from 
Curmudgeon at Large 