Miss Cellaneous




Father O’Grady

Father O’Grady, as he always does after his Sunday morning service, was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners when Mary Clancy came up to him in tears.

“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Father O’Grady.

“Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Mary.

“What is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Well, yes he did Father,” replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

Mary replied, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun.’ ”


Available at WalMart


Available in three sizes – XXL, XXXL and Blimp.


Older Senior Citizen but Still Sharp as a Tack

A senior citizen in Florida buys a brand new Mercedes convertible. He takes off down the road, floors it to 80 MPH and enjoys the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

“This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even harder. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing, siren blaring.

“I can get away …from him with no problem,” thought the man, as he bear down on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 MPH… 110… 120 MPH.  Then he thought, “What am I doing… I’m too old for this kind of thing!”

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up.  The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.  “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”


Quotes about Scotch:      :thumbsup:

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. –Humphrey Bogart

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.  –W.C. Fields

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.  –George Burns

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life? Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.  –Daniel Silva

One good thing about rain in Scotland. Most of it ends up as scotch.  –Peter Alliss

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.  –Rodney Dangerfield

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch. –Anne Taintor



Curmudgeon-at-Large Cookbook (CALC)

Selections from my upcoming cookbook:

Heart-attack Free Dinner

I recently read an article called “Make yourself heart attack proof:  Eat to Your Heart’s Content.”  The article went on to say that the “single most important step you can take for heart health starts with what you put on your plate.”  It then listed nine food items that will help you in preventing a heart attack.  Here is the list:

  1. Oranges (reduce blood pressure, cholesterol and heart failure)
  2. Kale (reduces atherosclerosis)
  3. Garlic (reduces blood pressure and plaque)
  4.  Red wine (boosts HDL, reduces unwanted clotting)
  5. Dark chocolate (reduces blood pressure)
  6. Sardines (lower triglycerides, raise HDL)
  7. Lentils (reduce blood pressure)
  8. Almonds (reduce LDL)
  9. Pomegranates (reduce atherosclerosis)

I figured that, if these items individually can reduce the chance of heart attacks, then collectively they should eradicate the possibility altogether.  With your health in mind, and a great desire to emphasize red wine, I have compiled the “heart attack free dinner.”

Start with a salad of oranges, kale and garlic.  Follow with lentil, almond and pomegranate soup.  The main entrée consists of sardines and dark chocolate.  There should be red wine in abundance throughout.

Live to be a hundred!

Spice up your life!

You can spice up any boring meal with the simple addition of a good, molten hot sauce.  Your cereal, pancakes, peanut butter sandwiches, pasta or chicken noodle soup will never be the same.  Don’t ease in with jalapeno, tabasco or cayenne; Go directly to the nuclear option – habanero.  Here are a few choice selections, all from Pendery’s Spices:

  • Colon Cleaner
  • Hemorrhoid Helper
  • Kiss Your Ass Goodbye
  • Liquid Napalm
  • Rectum Ripper

And my two personal favoites:

  • Jump Into an Open Grave
  • Weapons of Ass Destruction.

Whatever other ills you have will be forgotten once you finish a meal with one of these hot sauces and your insides approach temperatures found on the surface of Mercury.

Show your stomach who’s boss!

And, finally, the pièce de résistance …

Scotch and Doughnuts

  • 1 bottle single malt scotch
  • 1 dozen doughnuts
  • At least 1 friend

I can think of no finer way to start a weekend than good scotch, good doughnuts and the company of good friends.  I was once an auxiliary member of an organization dubbed the Scotch and Doughnut Society.  Each weekend, they gathered together around 8 or 9 am with the above ingredients and spent a blissful and mindless Saturday reminiscing about God knows what.  [The doughnuts should be fresh.]

Next time, I will give you my recipe for Chicken Chernobyl, an updated version of Chicken Kiev.  First, heat the chicken to two million degrees …