Double Jeopardy

Posted on February 24, 2013 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

I am indebted to Madame Weebles and her post Search Terms: WTF Edition for this chapter of Fallen Arches.

Personally, I have nothing against Alex Trebek or his wife but the idea was too good to pass up. All the phrases in italics are taken from Weebles’ search terms.

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Alex Trebek sat tidily erect at the dining room table reviewing the latest topics for his game show Jeopardy. Despite the early morning hour, he was already dressed nattily in a double-breasted summer-weight wool suit, whose creases were squarely aligned without wrinkles, his azure-blue Countess Mara tie squarely formed in a Windsor knot and a carefully folded monogrammed handkerchief peering delicately and precisely from his suit jacket. His signature silver hair crowned his head and was as full now as it was decades ago when he first started as the host of his eponymous variety show.

Sipping elegantly from his cup of freshly seeped Oolong tea, he was momentarily distracted from his morning chore as he stared across the table to a plate of half-eaten spaghetti with weebles. Next to it sat a food-stained edition of Weeblerotica magazine opened to an article entitled Picturesque Vagina. Alex instinctively wrinkled his nose at the messy intrusion into his otherwise neatly arranged world. As he returned to his list, he suddenly noticed that someone, annoyingly and surreptitiously, had penciled through the list of topics and entered another, and more vulgar, set. In place of Towns Starting with ‘B,’ Presidents’ Day and Wild West were scratched in Barricading the Cheese, Precocious Tits and Dead Marshmallow.

Drawing in his breath, his brows furrowed, he knew who was responsible when the culprit, his wife, lurched into the room. Wearing a shocking pink nightgown, her hair in curlers and the butt of a cigarette dangling from her lips, she staggered to the liquor cabinet and helped herself to a morning bourbon. Looking at Trebek, she spat out the words: “Well if it isn’t Subway Penis.”

Alex, unfazed, put down the altered list and said smugly: “You need to phrase that as a question, dear.”

She snorted: “Here’s a question for you Alex, when are you going to stop wearing pantyhose, you butt-plug?”

Alex, unsmiling, replied: “I wore pantyhose for Halloween, now I can’t stop.”

Undaunted, his wife continued: “Here’s some more questions for you. Can I touch up my hair and raid it the same day? Why is Alex Trebek such an insufferable prick? Can cats carry demons? Why does Alex Trebek think he’s hot shit? “

Bolting upright from his chair as though shocked by a cattle prod, Trebek stomped firmly out of the breakfast room but not before his wife shouted one last question to his back. “Will Mr. Pantyhose Ascendant have a nice day?” She let out a guffaw followed by a series of chortles, gasps, snorts and wheezes, the result of many years of chain-smoking and binge drinking. Alex marched stiffly forward, slowly and determinedly, as though walking to the gallows.

Search Terms, Schmerch Terms

Posted on February 2, 2013 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

A while ago, I came up with the idea of a mad-lib contest based solely upon your blog’s search terms. Little did I know where this would lead me.

I began to wonder what search terms other bloggers used to get to mine. Thanks to WordPress’ statistics on search engine words and phrases, I was able to look at my all-time list of search terms. The top five separated themselves quite cleanly from the rest. In reverse order, they are:

5. Unusual cars. I posted an article with photographs of weird and unusual cars from the early 20^th century.

4. Victorian letter writing. I created an imaginary letter from a Victorian gentleman, in the fashion of Jane Austen, apologizing for a written affront.

3. Trebuchet. A trebuchet is a siege engine that was employed in the middle ages. Every curmudgeon needs one.

2. Curmudgeon at Large. Well, it’s who I am. I did write, as my very first post, a credo of my objectives.

And the winner, the top of the list, the ne plus ultra, The Donald Trump of wonders, the idol finalist, the biggest loser… Oh, you get the idea…

Drum roll please: http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=drumroll

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1. Sex with animals.

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Yes, I know. People, this is sick. Animals, this is sick. Aliens, this is sick.

I wrote a post entitled According to Recent Studies which included a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that stated that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind. How could I have imagined that this post would generate the number one search term of my first year of blogging?

It overwhelmed anal probing, condoms for wild horses, lizard aliens, smash alarm clock and ‘we hate dumpster brokers’ among others.

What does this say about the depraved, immoral, ungodly, disgusting, perverted society in which we live that sex with animals is the number one topic on peoples’ minds?

Is this not wacko and insane?

Are we so degenerate and dissolute that intercourse with animals is our strongest interest?

Have we not already joined the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah?

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So, what’s your very favorite sex with animals experience?

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By the way, sick – I mean sixth – place was a tie among Tropical heat, Suntan on a beach and Origami turkey.

Gone with the [Search Term]

Posted on January 21, 2013 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

Using only search terms from your own blog, fill in the blanks below for this episode entitled: Gone with the [Search Term].

I will supply the first set.

All quotes are taken from Gone With the Wind. Our scene is a plantation in Georgia at the time of The Civil War. Our speakers are Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler.

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Scarlett: Great balls of fire. Don’t bother me anymore, and don’t call me __A___.

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Scarlett: But you are a blockade runner.
Rhett Butler: For profit, and profit only.
Scarlett: Are you tryin’ to tell me you don’t believe in the cause?
Rhett Butler: I believe in __B__.

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Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.
Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are __C___.

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Rhett Butler: With enough courage, you can do without __D__.

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Scarlett: Rhett! Rhett, where are you going?
Rhett Butler: I’m going back to Charleston, back where I belong.
Scarlett: Please, please take me with you!
Rhett Butler: No, I’m through with everything here.

Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett… Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, __E___.

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A. origami turkey

B. suntan on a beach

C. anal

D. a tardy little marionette

E. I am appaulled about your service

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Now it is your turn.

Romancing the [Search Term]

Posted on December 9, 2012 by Curmudgeon-at-Large

This chapter of Fallen Arches is based upon an idea from Rutabaga, the Mercenary Researcher, who wrote a post about search terms. It is astonishing when reviewing your site stats to see the words and phrases used as search terms.

Using only search terms from your own blog, fill in the blanks in the story below. You must use only the unaltered search terms.

I will supply the first set of fill-ins.

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Our scene is set in London in the times of Victorian England. A licentious and bawdy earl returns to his home for an afternoon of entertainment with his lovely maid.

Lord Farthblank, Eighth Earl of Disturbia, strode boldly into his bed chambers where he found his young and alluring maid anxiously waiting his return. “Quickly, Maria, disrobe. I have been told of an entirely new sexual technique called__A__ and my loins ache to try it out forthwith.”

“My lord” said the maid breathlessly “what does it involve?”

“Well,” said the earl slyly “I won’t divulge all the particulars but I will tell you that it calls for riding whips, two bananas, several garters and a __B__.”

As the young maid obediently began to disrobe, she turned back towards the earl as he finished removing his trousers. The maid began to giggle uncontrollably.

“Whatever is the matter with you?” cried the earl.

“Oh” said the maid, “it is your member. It is shaped just like a __C__.”

The earl, blushing, said defiantly “It most certainly is not. If you must be so impertinent, young Maria, your breasts look like two __D__.”

“Oh, sire” exclaimed the maid. “I am most distressed and can only say to you __E__.”

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A. Frankenstein rising

B. human trebuchet

C. clownfish

D. organs that have folds

E. was man who was hit by ice cream truck while dancing in the street hurt

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Now it is your turn.