Search Terms, Schmerch Terms

A while ago, I came up with the idea of a mad-lib contest based solely upon your blog’s search terms.  Little did I know where this would lead me.

I began to wonder what search terms other bloggers used to get to mine.  Thanks to WordPress’ statistics on search engine words and phrases, I was able to look at my all-time list of search terms.  The top five separated themselves quite cleanly from the rest.  In reverse order, they are:

5.  Unusual cars.  I posted an article with photographs of weird and unusual cars from the early 20th century.

4.  Victorian letter writing.  I created an imaginary letter from a Victorian gentleman, in the fashion of Jane Austen, apologizing for a written affront.

3.  Trebuchet.  A trebuchet is a siege engine that was employed in the middle ages.  Every curmudgeon needs one.

2.  Curmudgeon at Large.  Well, it’s who I am.  I did write, as my very first post, a credo of my objectives.

And the winner, the top of the list, the ne plus ultra, The Donald Trump of wonders, the idol finalist, the biggest loser…   Oh, you get the idea…

Drum roll please:

1.   Sex with animals.

Yes, I know.  People, this is sick.  Animals, this is sick.  Aliens, this is sick.

I wrote a post entitled According to Recent Studies which included a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that stated that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.  How could I have imagined that this post would generate the number one search term of my first year of blogging?

It overwhelmed anal probing, condoms for wild horses, lizard aliens, smash alarm clock and ‘we hate dumpster brokers’ among others.

What does this say about the depraved, immoral, ungodly, disgusting, perverted society in which we live that sex with animals is the number one topic on peoples’ minds?

Is this not wacko and insane?

Are we so degenerate and dissolute that intercourse with animals is our strongest interest?

Have we not already joined the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah?

So, what’s your very favorite sex with animals experience?


By the way, sick – I mean sixth – place was a tie among Tropical heat, Suntan on a beach and Origami turkey.

According to Recent Studies

Everything you never wanted to know.

January 2012:  Heavy boozers are imbibing more frequently according to new government data that looked, for the first time, at the detailed habits of binge drinkers.  One in six U.S. adults reported binge drinking at least once in 2010, a slight increase from the previous year, according to a Center for Disease Control report.  Seniors — those older than 65 — reported binge drinking the most often of any age group.

[Getting old has at least one advantage.]

November 2011:  In a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.

[Men, let this be a warning to you!  The next time you are visiting Scotland or New Zealand and that sheep gives you a knowing wink, turn away.]

August 2011:  The theory that hidden-from-view undergarments are the first thing men stop buying as the economy heads south has former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan among its subscribers.  Sales of men’s underwear rose 7.9% in August [2011] from a year earlier, according to research firm NPD Group.  By this measure, at least, we’re moving in the right direction.

[Presumably, if a lot of men are wearing only underwear, the economy is moving in the wrong direction.]

June 2009:  In the journal Trends in Ecology & Evolution, same-sex sexual behavior extends far beyond the well-known examples that dominate both the scientific and popular literature: for example, bonobos, dolphins, penguins, albatrosses and fruit flies.

[You know, I always suspected penguins.  But albatrosses?  Who knew?]

November 2007, Science Daily: There are promiscuous antelopes.  A new study by the Department of Biology, University of Jyva¨ skyla, Finland and the Institute of Zoology, Regent’s Park, London, UK, reveals that sexual conflict runs in reverse.  Among African topi antelopes, females are the ones who aggressively pursue their mates, while males play hard to get.

[Guys, if you are on safari, don’t get too close to the antelopes.  See the November 2011 warning.]

December 2006, ABC News:  Weeding through the value of the nation’s cash crops, a study (“Marijuana Production in the United States” by marijuana policy researcher Jon Gettman) released today states that marijuana is the U.S.’s most valuable crop.

[For some reason, I thought it was Brussel sprouts.] 

January 2006:  At a meeting of the American Astronomical Society, it was announced that a spinning black hole in the constellation Scorpius created a stable dent in the fabric of space-time.

[There is a dent in space-time?  What is space-time made of, aluminum siding?] 

The announcement explains that gravity waves are distortions in the fabric of space-time predicted by Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity.

[Wait a minute, space-time is a fabric?  Then how does it get dents?  Maybe it’s a combination of aluminum siding and under amour.  How do you repair it if it tears? ]

March 2012:  Astronomers using the Hubble Space Telescope are mystified by a merging galaxy cluster known as Abell 520 in which concentrations of visible matter and dark matter have apparently come unglued.

[There is a definite need for a space epoxy repair kit.]