I was asked the other day what my pet peeves were. After a few minutes, the person who asked realized the painful mistake of asking a curmudgeon for a list of pet peeves. Now, we can name Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bill O’Reilly and CNN but these pet peeves are individual and personal. Death and taxes are inevitable. I believe that pet peeves should be generic and universal.
Here are a few of mine. Thousands more to follow.
Robo-calls and telemarketers
People who invade your personal space when talking to you
Stealth farters, especially in elevators
All reality TV shows
The guy who leaves the restroom smelling so bad it would knock a buzzard off a garbage truck
The lady ahead of you in the checkout line who waits until all her items have been totaled before looking for her wallet (Did she think that the items would be free?)
All waiters who wait until your mouth is full to ask you how your meal is
People who found Jesus (Was Jesus ever lost?)
People who come up to you and say “Smile!” (I’m a curmudgeon; smiling isn’t permitted unless the person saying “Smile!” falls into an open manhole.)
Public nose pickers and crotch scratchers (Yes, I’m guilty but at least I try to do these ugly things in private.)
Parents who abandon their uncontrolled children in stores, malls, movie theaters until you discipline the kids and the parents suddenly appear and act indignant.
Drivers who take up two parking spaces
The guy next to you who coughs continually on a non-stop flight from NYC to Buenos Aries
The lady at the dining table next to you whose piercing shriek of a laugh would break glass (and eardrums)
All commercials or ads involving the digestive system
Born again anything (Please stay dead.)
The phrase “Can I give you some advice?”
People who make lists of pet peeves.
I know that you are itching to tell me your pet peeves so go ahead, I dare you; I double dare you; I triple dare you. (Yes, that’s another pet peeve.)
There is no way to stop the onslaught of spam, telemarketers, junk mail, and robocallers from reaching us.
Telemarketers already have their own ring in hell but even the thought of eternal damnation does not daunt them. Their reach extends to any newly created electronic device – Smartphones, Kindles, iPads, iPods, whatever.
Yes, I used “whatever,” get over it. Yes, I used “get over it,” get over that, too.
Although the overwhelming task of stopping all this crap is futile, it is made slightly less annoying by the fact that these devious callers get in the way of each other.
As a result my junk mail gets confused and:
E-Harmony and the local auto repair shop want you to have dating calls during routine auto checkups.
Christian Mingle and Omega-K Heart Attack Fighter suggest that, before people give you CPR , ask if they are true believers.
First Premier Credit Card and Our Time Dating recommend a credit score appraisal before the second date.
Discount Gold Credit Cards and Pimslear Approach Language say “Koborowie karmiono obficie wystepuja jedynie podejrzana sprawa stala nie odnotowywano wiekszego komplementu z wytworzeniem.”
If you are over 65, no matter where you are, Gaylord Hotels and AARP want you safely in bed by 8:30 pm.
PayPal and Replacements Ltd will give you a ten percent discount on any organ purchased before July 31st.
Timeshare Facts, Check Your Credit and Tax Defense suggest that the best way to check your credit and lower your taxes is to do both while spending a week at one of their many, many once-in-a-lifetime timeshare vacations (50% off). If that doesn’t work, then spend more time at one of their many, many once-in-a-lifetime timeshare vacations (50% off).
Regal Ecigs and Reverse Mortgage Planner have devised a program that assures you that your reverse mortgage payments will last longer than you do.
Garcinia Cambogia Slim and AHS Warranty have teamed up to guarantee your weight loss. If your weight-loss comes back, simply send back the weight gain in a marked package to receive double your money back!
American Laser Skincare, Spray Your Way to Health and 1Ink have developed a new way to get that healthy tan using your laser jet printer. Send in now for your thirty-day sample of Ink-Skin® cartridges.
LifeLine Screening, Reclaim Your Glory, Male Vitality, Cable TV and Blood Pressure Solutions have gotten together in one enormous wad of promotion that extends your life and love life while lowering your blood pressure and cable TV bills.
Restore My Vision, Lasik Vision Institute and Evite recommend an eye exam before you accept that next invitation, otherwise you may get…
Brazilian Shemales and Latin Ladyboys.
Well, you are on your own with this one. Use your imagination.