I have relatives in high places (they are smoking something in the Colorado Rockies) who provided me with a year-ending set of puns:
- The meaning of opaque is unclear.
- I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
- A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
- If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
- It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
- It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
- So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.
- Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
- The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
- Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
- I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
- The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
- What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
- Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
- My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
- What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns…
- A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
- There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal
- How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound…
- And finally…
Why we still need editors:
From an eBay seller;
My dear friend. Thank you very much for your purchase and choice. If you received the items are satisfied. Please give me a positive feedback, If you receive the items feels unsatisfied or the broken. Please don’t make the negative or neutral feedback for me. Please email to tell me. I can reply you in 24 hours. You will obtain refund money (full). Thanks a lot. Many blessing you and your family. I’m honest. Please believe me and continue to buy. If you have any questions. Please E-mail to me.
Enjoying with your bidding! It is worthy of your choice!!!
Why I love movie critics, especially when they are panning bad movies:
“This ghastly comedy emits the subliminal whine of a sucking chest wound.” — The Village Voice
“Another dim adaptation of a bright comic novel.” — The Wall Street Journal
“The film stinks from start to finish, like a wet burlap sack of gloom.” — LA Weekly
“Stupid. Illogical. Simplistic. Pandering. And those are its good points.” — Baltimore Sun
“The scariest thing in the movie is a cameo by Scott Baio.” — The Village Voice
“The most surprising thing about the movie is that somebody bothered to make it in the first place.” — The Washington Post
“A movie about self-absorbed douchebags that wallows in their douchebaggery.” — The A.V. Club
“As numbing and depressing to watch as suits hammering out a film-packaging deal one venal clause at a time.” — LA Weekly
“About as arousing as an icy shower.” — Entertainment Weekly
“It feels like both a joke and a turkey.” — The New York Times
Posted in Curmudgeonry
Tagged Chinglish, douchebag, douchebaggery, editors, humor, humour, if items are satisfied, movie critics, movies, reviews, writing
From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
With the approach of Halloween, I am resubmitting a much earlier post of my own warped view of a literary classic:
I was reading articles from a recent issue of The New Yorker and came across Eight Short Science-Fiction Stories (including the Penis from Venus) by Paul Simms and Omission, choosing what to leave out by John McPhee. In my tangled, warped mind, I combined them into a stream of conscientiousness (or, in my case, a swamp of conscientiousness) about writing and blogging. McPhee is a favorite author of mine: I have enjoyed Assembling California, Basin and Range and The Curve of Binding Energy, among others. McPhee has been a staff writer at The New Yorker since 1965, has published twenty-eight books and teaches a course in Creative Non-fiction.
McPhee emphasized that “creative non-fiction is not making something up but making the most of what you have.” On occasion, an article has to be shortened in order to fit the available space but most of the time any post, article, short story or novel can use judicial editing to improve the work. Editors, a sadly neglected and all but abandoned lot, would agree. McPhee stressed his point by using the analogy of Michelangelo as a sculptor “with six tons of Carrera marble, a mallet, a point chisel [and other tools]: ‘I’m just taking away what doesn’t belong there.’” So prose writing is as much about what is NOT written as what is.
It got me to thinking, what should I leave out of any of my posts when blogging?
- The penis from Venus – Yes, but then I would not have gotten your attention.
- The dream where I was dancing nude at my school reunion – Definitely.
- Any health issue that involves the description of one or more orifices – Most definitely.
- How to build a thermonuclear bomb from six common items found in most kitchens – Not a good idea.
- Using hot lead enemas as a means of corporal punishment – Um, yes.
- A discussion of the effect of 2,4,6 acetyl dichlorobenzene on the anechoic chamber of the rat – Yes.
- My Congressional Medal of Honor, my Nobel Peace Prize and my Pulitzer – Oh, wait, it’s creative NON-fiction.
- The moaning sounds and the God-awful smells that emanated from a dumpster near 43rd Street the last time I visited New York City – Maybe.
- Alien anal probing and sex with animals – See the penis from Venus, above.
- OOGA horns – No, there is always room for OOGA horns. http://www.ahooga.com/ahooga_wav.shtml
McPhee also quoted Hemingway saying “If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them.” With that thought in mind, here are the other items to omit “as though I had stated them:”
Did you cover all of them for me?
Oh, and what does any of this have to do with Eight Short Science-Fiction Stories? That’s where the swamp of conscientiousness comes in.
Posted in Rants about Writing
Tagged creative non-fiction, humor, humour, John McPhee, language, omission, Paul Simms, The New Yorker, the penis from venus, what to leave out, writing
I am on a short (several week) break. In my absence, I direct your attention to Fallen Arches.
Fallen Arches is my silly effort at poking fun at romance novels. Both Carrie Rubin and Diane Henders have been kind and big-hearted enough (and foolish enough) to allow me to take their novels and turn them into mincemeat with my perverted version of heart-throbbing and head-aching romance. See The Minot Misery and Corned Beef on Spy, respectively. Madame Weebles‘ post on Search Terms: WTF Edition and Alex Trebek inspired me to write a parody entitled Double Jeopardy.
[As an aside, I do note that no one has asked me to do this a second time.]
Other vain and misdirected efforts include an envious vampire, a lonely housewife, and a would-be gangster. I have sought out every genre from dinner parties to detectives to outer space to mystical transformations. I have written them based upon search terms and multiple choice: No theme is beyond my ability to reduce it to crappy pulp. They are all listed under “Romance Novel?” in the Types of Gripes.
But, as you know, I’m not original and I am always looking for material. If any of you wish to have your novels, journals or articles reduced to mushy, illogical, sentimental rubbish, then please send me your ideas and I will ruin them post-haste (or whenever I feel like it).
When I return, I will give your comments the attention they deserve. In the meantime, you can waste your time and waste away your brain perusing through the chapters of .
Posted in Romance Novel?
Tagged bad writing, broken romance, Carrie Rubin, Corned Beef on Spy, Diane Henders, envious vampire, fallen arches, humor, humour, lonely housewife, Madame Weebles, Minot Misery, romance novels, satire, would-be gangster, writing