Tag Archives: writing

Bar Jokes for English Majors

 

I am once again thankful to FOAF (friend of a friend).  These are too good not to post.  They come from the bluebird of bitterness blog and the image from the story reading ape blog to which I give credit.*

Bar jokes english major

 

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

 

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

 

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

 

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

 

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

 

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

 

A question mark walks into a bar?

 

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

 

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a war. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

 

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

 

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

 

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

 

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

 

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

 

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

 

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

 

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

 

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

 

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

 

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

 

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

 

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

 

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

 

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

 

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

 

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 


*A footnote reference walks into a bar and has no cash.  The bartender gives him credit.

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Happily Ever After

 

It is February, the month of valentines, hearts, flowers, Cupid, love and time for another long overdue, heart throbbing story of:

Fallen Arches title copy

For those too new to this blog to remember or those who do remember but wish to forget, Fallen Arches is my grotesque effort to reinvent the romance novel (more on that subject at Fallen Arches Redux).  Here, for your reading pleasure, is the latest installment.

—————

The transport carrier was heard before it was seen.  The drab, dusty, black-hole like sky of Voltmore 4 prevented sight for more than an arm’s length.  The bulky carrier’s engines throbbed as it approached and docked at the colonizing station platform.

Anxious couples milled about in the darkened air, nervously awaiting their turn to be processed and then boarded onto the carrier for their transport to the far off lands of Northeros and Southos in the Gethen solar system, where their lives could begin anew.  The exhausting and endless Arrakis wars, stopped then renewed with even more hostility and bloodshed, had seen the near extinction of several tribes caught in the midst of the seemingly endless struggle.

Ultimately the Hainish Truce supplied a welcome but brief relief.  At first the warring factions did not observe the tenuous truce but then, after several false starts, it appeared that the truce would hold and repatriation or, at least relocation, of the decimated tribes could begin in earnest.  The Wockyjabbs, a docile, retiring, servile people, were among those tribes caught in the unrelenting, harsh wars between the belligerents and nearly obliterated.  Oscar was among the few Wockyjabbs left.

Voltmore 4, though incredibly barren and bleak at the edge of the galaxy, was a safe holding place for the remaining tribe members who survived until they were chosen by the supreme Ekumen Council to be paired together and then moved to Gethen where they could settle and breed and continue their lineage.  By Council law, each tribe was granted one pairing per transport which occurred only once a nebulon.*

[*Author’s note: A nebulon is a single revolution of the planet Hysteria around its sun or approximately fifty years.]

In the near complete darkness, Oscar, his newly chosen mate alongside, plodded ever so slowly through the dimly lit corridor leading up to the carrier.  Painfully shy like all Wockyjabbs, Oscar finally picked up the courage to reach out and touch the hand of his chosen partner.  Other than their exposed hands, both were covered head to toe in layers of clothing to protect themselves from the harsh Voltmore 4 climate.  When no resistance occurred, Oscar started to stammer out his thoughtful but slow speech.

“I.. I know that we will be together for a lifetime and we hope to.. to form a new life and.. you know.. re-create, I.. I mean reproduce, to keep our species alive and.. and all those things but, but I.. well, I don’t even know your name.  Please tell me.”

After a pause, his mate replied “My name is Walter.”

—————

With apologies to J.K. Rowling, Lewis Carroll, George R. R. Martin, Frank Herbert, and Ursula Le Guin.

Puns on High

I have relatives in high places (they are smoking something in the Colorado Rockies) who provided me with a year-ending set of puns:

  1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

 

  1. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

 

  1. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

 

  1. A man tried at assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

 

  1. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

 

  1. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

 

  1. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

 

  1. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

 

  1. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world.

 

  1. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

 

  1. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

 

  1. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

 

  1. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

 

  1. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

 

  1. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?

 

  1. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.

 

  1. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

 

  1. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

 

  1. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

 

  1. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

 

  1. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns…

 

  1. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

 

  1. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal

 

  1. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound…

 

  1. And finally…

Puns on High

 

Why We Need Editors and Movie Critics

why-statler-and-waldorf

Why we still need editors:

 From an eBay seller;

 My dear friend. Thank you very much for your purchase and choice. If you received the items are satisfied. Please give me a positive feedback, If you receive the items feels unsatisfied or the broken. Please don’t make the negative or neutral feedback for me. Please email to tell me. I can reply you in 24 hours. You will obtain refund money (full). Thanks a lot. Many blessing you and your family. I’m honest. Please believe me and continue to buy. If you have any questions. Please E-mail to me.

Enjoying with your bidding! It is worthy of your choice!!!

 

Why I love movie critics, especially when they are panning bad movies:

“This ghastly comedy emits the subliminal whine of a sucking chest wound.” — The Village Voice

“Another dim adaptation of a bright comic novel.” — The Wall Street Journal

“The film stinks from start to finish, like a wet burlap sack of gloom.” — LA Weekly

“Stupid. Illogical. Simplistic. Pandering. And those are its good points.” — Baltimore Sun

“The scariest thing in the movie is a cameo by Scott Baio.” — The Village Voice

“The most surprising thing about the movie is that somebody bothered to make it in the first place.” — The Washington Post

“A movie about self-absorbed douchebags that wallows in their douchebaggery.” — The A.V. Club

 “As numbing and depressing to watch as suits hammering out a film-packaging deal one venal clause at a time.” — LA Weekly

 “About as arousing as an icy shower.” — Entertainment Weekly

 “It feels like both a joke and a turkey.” — The New York Times

 

Ghosts and Other Things That Go Bump in the Night

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!

–Scottish Prayer

With the approach of Halloween, I am resubmitting a much earlier post of my own warped view of a literary classic:

https://curmudgeon-at-large.com/2012/10/29/a-dreary-night-of-november/