Politics 101

With the election season upon us and a number of you weighing in on your dearly cherished views, I know that, at some point in your life, you may have gotten the urge to enter politics.

Unless you are Donald Trump, Steve Forbes, H. Ross Perot or a bunch of forgettable (or soon to be forgettable) characters, you cannot afford to start your career in politics at the top by running for President of the United States.  Yet the very thought of kissing a million gooey babies, shaking a zillion hands and spending your weekday nights on the rubber chicken circuit sends you screaming away in revulsion.  Happily, after all these years, I have finally decoded the method for avoiding these unpleasant events and getting that coveted first step in election glamour – being elected Soil and Water Commissioner.

First, having a good name helps.  Suppose you must choose one of the following for Soil and Water Commissioner:

  •  John Adams
  •  Osama Bin Laden II
  • Wojceich Postrzyzyny Przbrz.

Now it does the unfortunately named Bin Laden II no good that he is a pacifist, a poet and a Samaritan and is not related in any way, shape or form to the other nasty guy.  Nor does it aid mister unpronounceable, vowel-deprived Przbrz in the fact that he was a former freedom fighter and an experienced hydrologist.   John Adams may be a stew bum and a derelict but he will get your vote every time.  Of course, if you are in a heavily Polish-American voting district, then Mr. Przbrz is your choice even if he is a stew bum.

Second, placement is key.  Get your name placed as close to the top of the list as possible.  Let me use another example.  Vote for two of the following for Soil and Water Commissioner:

  • Bill Blake
  • Nancy Jones
  • John Adams
  • Tim Madison
  • Tom Davis

Now Mr. Adams is in trouble.  We might spend some time on President, Senator, Congressman or County Executive, but Soil and Water Commissioner?  Aren’t we going to pick the first two reasonable sounding names and go on?  I have had some discussion with friends on this theory.  There are those who pick anybody but the first two names out of contrariness.  There are others who work from the bottom up and still others who pick every other name.  I still insist that being first on the list gives you an advantage.

Third, have a plethora of signs before the election.  While I have not yet found a study that makes a correlation between the number of “vote for me” signs and the effectiveness of the candidate, it certainly must mean something for someone to go through all that trouble to mar major and minor highways with signs asking you to vote for them.  Now you might make the case that a really good Commissioner would not deface the countryside with an endless stream of “vote for me” signs and only put up a few but, psychologically, don’t we correlate the number of signs with the strength of the candidate?

So that’s the plan – good name, key placement in the list and tons and tons of election signs.  When you use my foolproof technique and get elected as the next Soil and Water Commissioner, you can decode the mystery I haven’t solved over all these years – what does a Soil and Water Commissioner do?

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23 responses to “Politics 101

  1. I have been trying to get a grassroots “Any Pig Will Do” party. I believe in America and more importantly I believe in big checks from donors.

  2. Pingback: Politics 102 | Curmudgeon at Large

  3. Actually, a group of men asked me to run for Soil and Water Commissioner, but after I left the bar, they must have forgotten about it. I’m an old-fashion type of guy and what was good enough for our founding fathers is good enough for me, so, if you want my vote, you must buy it with a barrel of whisky (not whiskey), whisky. Not a firkin or a hogshead, but a full barrel! HF

  4. I think there’s a fourth vital component to the plan, the effective campaign slogan. In the case of the soil and water commissioner it might be something like, “We can build a better future together with dirt and water!”

  5. C-a-L,
    This is exactly why Le Clown has not yet ran for president of the world. Being magnificently handsome doesn’t give a chance to my contenders.
    Le Clown

  6. There should be a study on how closely spaced political signs need to be for maximum result. On some roads near me, the same sign is placed over and over again at two-feet intervals. Perhaps one-foot intervals would net more votes? I’m sure somewhere, someone has the time and money to devote to such a ‘useful’ study…

  7. What about putting your face on a sign at about 4 feet by 4 feet? Will this harm or help your campaign ambitions?

  8. You know what I think? You’re EXACTLY RIGHT! I would also contend that the better looking candidate usually wins. Steve Forbes and Ross Perot didn’t stand a chance. This presidential election will be very close, as I think both men are considered attractive.

    The soil and water commissioner…? I’m stumped.

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