Animal Contraception

Listen up, all you fornicators out there!  You aren’t the only ones concerned about family planning and transmittable diseases.  No siree.

In my never-ending effort to keep you all abreast of the latest developments in animal contraception (a topic I know that has been foremost in your minds), I wish to inform you that the 7th International Conference on Fertility Control in Wildlife was held at the end of August 2012 at Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Among its sponsors was the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and the conference (two conferences actually) had discussions and presentations on the humane management of animal populations, whether it’s wild horses on public lands, elephants in provincial or national parks in South Africa, or deer and coyotes in communities across the United States.

The conference included presentations on the latest scientific and technical developments in contraceptive agents, the successful delivery systems for contraception and the economics of wild horse management among other topics.

I know what you’re thinking: “How do I get a condom on my favorite horse or elephant?”  Answer: very carefully.

In a move that makes most women nod in agreement and say “It’s about time” and “You betcha” and makes most men cringe and snap their knees together, animal castration is the preferred, though not necessarily most cost-effective method.  The wild horse management team gave presentations on horse castration techniques.  No one reported the reaction of any horses roaming on land nearby although attendees did see several horses gingerly prancing away with their hind legs together.

Coyotes were in for an even bigger surprise.  Rather than attempt non cost-effective manual castration, presenters posited an alternative approach of chemical castration using deslorelin, a hormone that renders coyotes sterile.  Once again, the coyotes were not asked for their opinions but I suspect that I know.

Finally, we get to the elephant in the room.  No, no elephant was invited either but a stimulating presentation ensued from the elephant contraception team.  They gave presentations about contraceptive agents, appropriate delivery methods, field testing, population effects, animal welfare implications, social, cultural, and political challenges, and how their work is already saving lives and proving that we can make cruel culling of elephants an obsolete management tool.

These presentations were followed by one from the Trojan© brand condom company on the styles and varieties available in their new pachyderm line of condoms.

   

Next year’s conference will be expanded to explain techniques for culling other overpopulated species, namely lawyers and telemarketers.

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25 responses to “Animal Contraception

  1. Pingback: Freshly Impressed | Curmudgeon at Large

  2. Several cities in western Canada have too many rabbits… a group called Earth Animal Rights Society (EARS) is trying to arrange for the relocation of captured feral rabbits to sanctuaries. I guess rabbits aren’t willing to ‘hop up to the plate’ when it comes to contraception.

  3. In honor of your excellent post I have re-posted a piece on a topic you may be interested in, bull castration. It’s called “Bye Bye Bull Balls” If you get a chance, check it out!

    • There are two ways that I can look at this:
      1) Thinking of bulls’ balls made you think of me (good) or
      2) Thinking of castration made you think of me (not so good).

      I did like your post, by the way.

  4. That conference was held at the end of what, in which hole?

  5. I’m sure there is a Jackson Hole joke in there somewhere. Well written, Mr. C. However, it’s well known that elephants don’t wear condons which is why they always keep their trunk packed and ready to leave at a moment’s notice. HF

  6. I suspect the animals are quite relieved, no? Just as the birth control pill brought about the sexual revolution in humans, maybe we’ll now be witness to free love among other species. Of course, the inevitable result of that is going to be terrible reality shows about elephants trying to find their life long mate.

  7. C-a-L,
    I have forwarded your post to my unicorns. They should have some feedback soon enough…
    Le Clown

  8. Wow, I’m obviously going to the wrong conferences…

  9. And just think, the equine condom line can be called Trojan Horse.

  10. Elephant condoms – a perfect use for recycled diving suits. You just seal off the arms and legs. Probably need some super-glue to hold it in place though.

  11. First-time visitor … and this may be the most informative post I’ve ever read.

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