Puns for Educated Minds

I’m not sure about the ‘educated’ part.  I just couldn’t resist listing a bunch of really bad puns.



The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationary.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

29 thoughts on “Puns for Educated Minds

  1. Pingback: The Best Puns Ever – Let’s Taco ’bout Them – Amusives – Fueled by Chocolate

  2. With thanks to Johnny Carson:

    A recent newspaper report told of a man who was fishing from his boat on a local lake when he inadvertently lost his billfold overboard. To his surprise, a school of fish rose to the surface and, just like the dolphins and orcas at Sea World, tossed it from fish-to-fish until they tired of the game and flipped it back into his boat. Apparently this wasn’t all that unusual. Just another case of carp-to-carp walleting.

  3. Told my son about your post here. He sent me these:

    1 . Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married . The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

    2 . A jumper cable walks into a bar . The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”.

    3 . Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4 . A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    5 . A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road”.

    6 . Two cannibals are eating a clown . One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

    7 . “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. ”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. ”
    “Is it common?”
    “Well, It’s Not Unusual. ”

    8 . Two cows are standing next to each other in a field . Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning . ” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly .
    “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

    9 . An invisible man marries an invisible woman . The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10 . Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before .

    11 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

    12 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident . He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”

    13 . I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.

    14 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse . “But why,” they asked, as they moved off . “Because,” he said . “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer”.

    16 . A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption . One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal . ‘ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan . ‘ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother . Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her husband responds: “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal”.

    17 . Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet . He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath . This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) . . . a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    18 . A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail . The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

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    • To quote Dan Qualye: “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

      Yes, I did state of few of these for you. In fact, you inspired me to produce the rest.

  7. I laughed out loud so much. Foooogetting the rule that no pun is meant just punishment.

    However, I was reminded of two additions

    1. A mental patient escaped fomr the hospital with the help of his girl friend in the hospital laundry. The newspaper headline read; Nut screws washers and bolts.

    2. did you hear about the fat jockey who put the ala carte before the horse?

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