According to Recent Studies

Everything you never wanted to know.

January 2012:  Heavy boozers are imbibing more frequently according to new government data that looked, for the first time, at the detailed habits of binge drinkers.  One in six U.S. adults reported binge drinking at least once in 2010, a slight increase from the previous year, according to a Center for Disease Control report.  Seniors — those older than 65 — reported binge drinking the most often of any age group.

[Getting old has at least one advantage.]

November 2011:  In a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.

[Men, let this be a warning to you!  The next time you are visiting Scotland or New Zealand and that sheep gives you a knowing wink, turn away.]

August 2011:  The theory that hidden-from-view undergarments are the first thing men stop buying as the economy heads south has former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan among its subscribers.  Sales of men’s underwear rose 7.9% in August [2011] from a year earlier, according to research firm NPD Group.  By this measure, at least, we’re moving in the right direction.

[Presumably, if a lot of men are wearing only underwear, the economy is moving in the wrong direction.]

June 2009:  In the journal Trends in Ecology & Evolution, same-sex sexual behavior extends far beyond the well-known examples that dominate both the scientific and popular literature: for example, bonobos, dolphins, penguins, albatrosses and fruit flies.

[You know, I always suspected penguins.  But albatrosses?  Who knew?]

November 2007, Science Daily: There are promiscuous antelopes.  A new study by the Department of Biology, University of Jyva¨ skyla, Finland and the Institute of Zoology, Regent’s Park, London, UK, reveals that sexual conflict runs in reverse.  Among African topi antelopes, females are the ones who aggressively pursue their mates, while males play hard to get.

[Guys, if you are on safari, don’t get too close to the antelopes.  See the November 2011 warning.]

December 2006, ABC News:  Weeding through the value of the nation’s cash crops, a study (“Marijuana Production in the United States” by marijuana policy researcher Jon Gettman) released today states that marijuana is the U.S.’s most valuable crop.

[For some reason, I thought it was Brussel sprouts.] 

January 2006:  At a meeting of the American Astronomical Society, it was announced that a spinning black hole in the constellation Scorpius created a stable dent in the fabric of space-time.

[There is a dent in space-time?  What is space-time made of, aluminum siding?] 

The announcement explains that gravity waves are distortions in the fabric of space-time predicted by Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity.

[Wait a minute, space-time is a fabric?  Then how does it get dents?  Maybe it’s a combination of aluminum siding and under amour.  How do you repair it if it tears? ]

March 2012:  Astronomers using the Hubble Space Telescope are mystified by a merging galaxy cluster known as Abell 520 in which concentrations of visible matter and dark matter have apparently come unglued.

[There is a definite need for a space epoxy repair kit.]

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16 responses to “According to Recent Studies

  1. Reblogged this on SkinTickler and commented:
    I hate this sort of thing. Cleverly written and amusing. Causing me to smile and chuckle when I’m pretending to be busy…

  2. I seem to remember a series of books about a Dent in space. His name was Arthur.

  3. So space-time material comes from Sears?

  4. Just want to add one: Study Finds Millennial Generation Stays On Phone With Parents Throughout Entire Day

  5. The whole idea of space dents and tears concerns me. I thought the Universe was more sturdy than this. But if it can be damaged by holes, for crying out loud… Shouldn’t it be made of something like Melmac or some other indestructable material?

  6. I know the albatross can stay on wing for a year at a time–maybe they don’t stop to check out who is what when they have a fast ‘date’?

  7. Ah, to be a fly on the wall in the editor’s office of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Bet there are some interesting findings that go through there…

  8. …and the results of Study #4,357 conducted December 16/12: Middle-aged women who are getting used to reading glasses are statistically more likely than any other group to misread study data in a way that necessitates an application of brain bleach.

    When I read item 2, I saw “stick intheir own kind”, not “stick with their own kind”…

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