With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan. To the tune of I’ve Got a Little List from The Mikado. Chorus is in Bold Italics.
Martyn Green as Ko-Ko, 1930s
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found, I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list.
Of society offenders who might well be underground, and who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
The lady whose email servers have problems of their own
Thirty-three thousand disappear like a stone.
There’s the party outsider who praises in raucous tones
Every party but his and every country but his own.
And the election outcome denialists,
They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!
He’s got ’em on the list — he’s got ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed.
Apologists, deniers, spin room activists,
Irrational supporters who get me really pissed.
All TV journalists who speaks as though listeners care
And the other ones who claim to be balanced and fair.
The dead who vote Democrat but that theory is not sound,
For you see, Mayor Giuliani, they are already underground.
WikiLeaks, tax returns, foundation donations and grants
And all those fanatics who substitute enthusiasm for facts.
And that singular anomaly, the lady plagiarist — I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not he missed!
He’s got her on the list — he’s got her on the list;
And I don’t think she’ll be missed — I’m sure she’ll not be missed!
There’s the pestilential congressmen who give democracy a pass.
The judicial obstructionists who are running out of gas.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Who defend outrageous statements by saying – “Oh, never mind.”
Third party candidates without a world view
The little, lyin’, disgusting, crooked, low-energy crew
Bad hombres, nasty women and also you-know-who
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!
You may put ’em on the list — you may put ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed!
According to Recent Studies
Everything you never wanted to know.
January 2012: Heavy boozers are imbibing more frequently according to new government data that looked, for the first time, at the detailed habits of binge drinkers. One in six U.S. adults reported binge drinking at least once in 2010, a slight increase from the previous year, according to a Center for Disease Control report. Seniors — those older than 65 — reported binge drinking the most often of any age group.
[Getting old has at least one advantage.]
November 2011: In a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own kind.
[Men, let this be a warning to you! The next time you are visiting Scotland or New Zealand and that sheep gives you a knowing wink, turn away.]
August 2011: The theory that hidden-from-view undergarments are the first thing men stop buying as the economy heads south has former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan among its subscribers. Sales of men’s underwear rose 7.9% in August [2011] from a year earlier, according to research firm NPD Group. By this measure, at least, we’re moving in the right direction.
[Presumably, if a lot of men are wearing only underwear, the economy is moving in the wrong direction.]
June 2009: In the journal Trends in Ecology & Evolution, same-sex sexual behavior extends far beyond the well-known examples that dominate both the scientific and popular literature: for example, bonobos, dolphins, penguins, albatrosses and fruit flies.
[You know, I always suspected penguins. But albatrosses? Who knew?]
November 2007, Science Daily: There are promiscuous antelopes. A new study by the Department of Biology, University of Jyva¨ skyla, Finland and the Institute of Zoology, Regent’s Park, London, UK, reveals that sexual conflict runs in reverse. Among African topi antelopes, females are the ones who aggressively pursue their mates, while males play hard to get.
[Guys, if you are on safari, don’t get too close to the antelopes. See the November 2011 warning.]
December 2006, ABC News: Weeding through the value of the nation’s cash crops, a study (“Marijuana Production in the United States” by marijuana policy researcher Jon Gettman) released today states that marijuana is the U.S.’s most valuable crop.
[For some reason, I thought it was Brussel sprouts.]
January 2006: At a meeting of the American Astronomical Society, it was announced that a spinning black hole in the constellation Scorpius created a stable dent in the fabric of space-time.
[There is a dent in space-time? What is space-time made of, aluminum siding?]
The announcement explains that gravity waves are distortions in the fabric of space-time predicted by Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity.
[Wait a minute, space-time is a fabric? Then how does it get dents? Maybe it’s a combination of aluminum siding and under amour. How do you repair it if it tears? ]
March 2012: Astronomers using the Hubble Space Telescope are mystified by a merging galaxy cluster known as Abell 520 in which concentrations of visible matter and dark matter have apparently come unglued.
[There is a definite need for a space epoxy repair kit.]
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