A number of people have asked me “How, exactly, do you become a curmudgeon?” Actually, no one asked me that but I’m sure a few have thought about it and a few more have even hinted at it. I’m here to set the record straight.
A curmudgeon is defined as a crusty, ill-tempered old man. While generally male, a curmudgeon graces both sexes (think Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Dorothy Parker and Paula Poundstone). I am one and, with counseling, you can be one too. (If not, then you’ll just need counseling.)
What, you may ask, is the value of being a curmudgeon?
- You never have to smile in public;
- No one will expect you to smile in public;
- You can redefine “pursuit of happiness;”
- You expect nothing and are never disappointed.
So how, exactly do you become a curmudgeon? While there is no set formula, there are clues.
For example, did you look like this a child?
Do you look like this as an adult?
When a clerk in a store or a greeter at a convention says to you “Have a nice day,” how do you respond?
- “Why, thank you very much.”
- “You’re so welcome and I hope you have one, too.”
- “I’m sorry, I have other plans.”
When an important looking person approaches you and says “Do you know who I am?” you respond by saying:
- “I am so sorry that I did not recognize you.”
- “Excuse my ignorance.”
- “You don’t know who you are? Have you lost your memory?”
You regard children and small animals as:
- A sign of God’s love;
- Precious items to be protected and cherished;
- Unnecessary.
Which activity should be added as an Olympic sport?
- Skateboarding;
- Golf;
- Poisoning pigeons.
What do you do if you pee when you jump up and down?
- Resolve to exercise harder and ignore the issue;
- Go immediately to the doctor to find the source of the problem;
- Stop jumping up and down.
What slogan would you choose to put on a tee shirt?
- Enjoy life;
- I ♥ my dog;
- member National Sarcasm Society; like we need your help.
If you look like the people in the pictures and answered every question with “C,” then you may be on the road to being a curmudgeon. If not, then you may be on the yellow brick road.
Oh, and have a nice day! As you already know, I have other plans.
Curmudgeon at Large 
I think I have a curmug… curmudgon… curmudgeonly attitude, but the spelling of the word is a problem for me. I think I will have to try being something else.
Not being a curmudgeon is not a bad thing.
you are precious! I am not a curmudgeon yet, but I will work on it!
Thanks for the comment. As a warning, being a curmudgeon has its drawbacks.
I will continue reading your blog and find out
Totally agree with you on the pigeons.
They appear so innocent until they bombard your car or your clothes.
A most worthy post, but please don’t be offended if I said anything positive about you.
Not to worry.
I aspire to being a fully-fledged curmudgeon … or is that curmudgeonette (being a mad old bat) but sadly I seem to be failing by your criteria. I am not worthy!
But I am tenacious and will keep trying keeping your guidelines in the forefront of my mind … Hoping to join the curmudgeonisti soon … going to practise my grumpiness now … gerroutamyway!
Grumpiness is an acquired taste, like single malt scotch and poppy seed rolls.
I did fine on your quiz except for the question about children. They’re not unnecessary at all – I love children! Medium-rare; with a side of fries.
I’m searching frantically for the rim shot.
I’m glad you cleared this up. I’ve always suspected that I have a crusty, ill tempered man inside of me, and now it’s confirmed.
There’s no known cure.
I answered C to all of them, except the one with the person asking, “Do you know who I am?” My response would be, “Why the F should I care?”
I have met some people who deserve exactly that response.
Does this guy qualify?
Hell, yes!
🙂
There were no ‘C’ answers in your survey. Of course, there were no ‘A’ or ‘B’ answers, either–or am I splitting hairs?
I did take the above survey, and, had a variety of answers, so, I think I qualify as a Curmud. Eventually, and with a little work, I’m sure I’ll eventually succeed in achieving the full on Curmudgeon status.
You are absolutely right; you caught me in ‘editing hell.’
Qualifying as a ‘Curmud’ is only the first step; it’s that last ‘geon’ that gets tricky.
Oh, but this post is great in its awesomeness. I plan to share it with a curmudgeon I already know; maybe he would have more tips for me in my journey toward curmudgeonness.
I’m sure that there are times that your children are ready to mark you as a curmudgeon (and you know my opinion of children).
If I say “piss off” to have a nice day am I curmudgeon or just an ass?
I’d say that it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on so I lean towards curmudgeon.
I kiss you on the top of your curmudgeonly head.
Luckily for you, I decided to shower and shampoo today.
I had lip condoms on 🙂
I don’t even want to know (or think about that).
Hee hee…and now you have to…
It might look like this
So whimsical … I love the humor, sarcasm, wit and your heart. Such a character. Smiles.
To which I say “Bah, Humbug!”