Category Archives: Curmudgeonry

The End

The End

Although I am not at death’s door, there are those moments when I can see the door from here.  To prepare for the Day of Atonement, I have a few requests for my all my loved ones (family and friends).

First, don’t say “He passed.”  I died.  Saying “He passed” sounds like I had a bad urinary experience or an unhappy encounter with cannibals.

“Two cannibalistic ship captains passed each other in the night.”

Second, don’t say “He is in a better place.”  Repeated requests to all Abrahamic religions – Judaism, Christianity, and Islam – have produced diddly squat so there is no corroboration for this assertion.  You can say that I am in good company.

“You go to Heaven for the scenery and hell for the company.” –Mark Twain

I may have better luck with Buddhists because a Zen Buddhist pizza guy once said he would make me one with everything.

Third, please do not have responses say anything about resting in peace.  I have no such intention.  For eternity, I plan to pester, bother, aggravate and, in general, annoy anyone who ever incurred my wrath.

“Agitate, agitate, agitate.” –Frederick Douglass

If you wish to delay the inevitable arrival of death’s door at the end, you can listen to the interminable The End by The Doors:

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What is truth?

Pontius Pilate, 21st century version:

What is truth

“What is truth?” said jesting Donaldus Pilate.

“’Truth isn’t truth’1 because ‘over time, truth develops’2 and results in ‘alternative facts.’3

  1. Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump’s TV lawyer
  2. Jay Sekulow, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer
  3. Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVSRm80WzZk

The Helsinki Summit – Before and After

BEFORE

Donald Trump MAGA

 

AFTER

Donald Trump MRGA copy

Great Triumverates in History

A comparison:

GTIH1

GTIH2

GTIH3

GTIH4

 

versus

GTIH6

and

GTIH5

 

Aw, shit!

 

I had an “Aw, shit!” moment the other day.  We had received warnings of immanent, severe weather.  It was the usual blurb from local meteorologists:

“Nothing to worry about (if you’re Superman).”

“Secure children and small pets to sturdy fixtures driven at least six feet into the ground.”

“If you are driving on a major highway, abandon your car now!”

“Good news.  The storm has been downgraded by the National Weather Center from cataclysmic to merely life-threatening.”

I took the usual precautions by checking for loose objects, taking light weight items inside and resupplying my liquor cabinet.  I went out on the back porch to watch the storm, which did turn out to be rather severe.  As I sat there placidly and amusingly watching the rains beat sideways and the winds pick up, I noticed an object floating in the lake near my house.  Someone, I thought, has had the misfortune to have their shed blown into the lake and slowly sinking.

At the moment, I realized that it was MY shed blown into the lake and slowly sinking.

Aw, shit!

How many times in our lives have we had that unfortunate moment when we realize that no amount of prayer, wishful thinking, incantations to the gods or promises of remorse is going to reverse the irreversible.

All of this, by way of my swamp of consciousness, brings to mind a winner of the Bulwer-Lytton contest.   As you may recall, entrants to the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest are invited “to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels” – that is, deliberately bad.  This one came immediately to mind:

“The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know.”

In other words, “Aw, shit!”

Ah shit